Feeling so shit

[strawberryandkiwi]

Hi

just feeling a bit down and shit about things

I love my job. I only just graduated in July and it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and I was so excited to begin at my firm

but from the moment I started it’s gone badly

I understand I won’t know everything because I just started and it’s a learning curve, but I feel like everyday I go to work I get every single thing wrong. Nothing I do is right. Every question I ask is obvious and I should know the answer to already but I don’t.

at first I tried to have a ‘it’s a new day, start again’ attitude but it’s getting harder and harder to do that and it sounds ridiculous but I dread going to work now. I feel ill the entire way because I’m so nervous, then when I get to the office I just go from 1 disaster to the next and go home feeling even worse. And repeat that the next day, and the next, and the next.

Im not disputing for 1 moment that is making mistakes and getting things wrong and that’s entirely my problem and responsibility to fix, but I’m finding it so difficult and I’m trying my best but I still manage to get it wrong every single time- when I ask for help it’s a stupid question and I need to use my initiative more rather than expecting everyone to spoon feed me but when I try to use my initiative I get it wrong every single time

when I think back to how excited I was when I graduated in july I feel so heartbroken. This is the job I worked so hard to get, studied so hard at uni to pass my exams for and cried and cried because I didn’t think I could do it and pass. But I did and here I am doing the job I wanted to so badly and I’m supposed to be enjoying it but yet I’ve never been so miserable in all my life

I think it’s just been 1 thing after another and I feel so shit about things now. I worked as hard as I could fit into every hour of the day and ended up distancing myself from my friends because I didn’t want to have a knock on effect on them with my negativity and the fact I’m failing because they are happy and doing well at their firms so I didn’t want to bring them down because that’s not fair on them at all

I DONT feel suicidal at all, I just feel like I really hate life and I keep thinking I wish I was dead because I’m so miserable with this all. Obviously I don’t want to be dead though and I just want to stress again I am NOT suicidal in anyway👍🏻 It’s just a feeling that I hate life and everyone at work would have a much easier life if I wasn’t there

is this normal when starting a new job, especially just after university? Does it get better? All of this is my own fault because it’s my responsibility to work harder and get things right and stop annoying everyone so I don’t know why I’m complaining when it’s my own fault but I just feel so shit. Does it get better?

It sounds like you’ve got into a bit of a negative mindset where you don’t believe in yourself, and are telling yourself you can’t do it which creates a self fulfilling prophecy. It’s fine to ask questions, but ask them with confidence rather than apologetically, no one was born knowing everything so you’re doing nothing wrong in finding out the right way of doing things, in fact it’s better than winging it and hoping for the best.

It might sound daft but on your way into work every morning tell yourself “I can do this, I am good at this, I deserve this” on repeat and see if that changes the outcome. It really does sound like a lot of this is down to your confidence.

It's good that you have a mentor, but are you using her/him proactively? Are they being helpful or often 'too busy'? Are you seeking their advice when they have headspace and before things become critical?

Who is telling you that "it’s a stupid question and I should know the answer and shouldn’t be expecting to be spoon fed"? This is bullying!

Is there a pattern to the mistakes you make, are their common factors, anything that might be seen as predictable?

Are your projects unique or very individualized, or could you learn by looking at similar projects in the company archives?

These are just a few top of the mind thoughts that occurred to me.

Three things:

• Even if you "should" know the answer to a question you asked. Good people don't make you feel bad for asking, mostly anyway, everyone's allowed an off day but it shouldn't be the norm. It sounds like that might be happening. Speaking as someone writes docs/guides and still gets asked things. Also sometimes that role is reversed, and its me asking. Someone at my works prone to grumpily pointing me at a document or webpage. In my head I'm sticking two fingers at him for his attitude

• Reflect on training or lack of it, bad missing documentation or badly organised sources of documentation. I've never worked anywhere that gets it right, always some mixture of those problems inhibit me, especially when I'm new to a job. It's not always your fault, very often in my experience. Identifying things might help you feel better about how you're doing. Maybe they're things to bring up to improve things? Maybe you can write docs for the next new person? It's why I write docs for things I struggled to learn in my roles

• Keeping your own notes about important things to know can be helpful, as you gradually get more familiar with a role

As much as possible, outside of work, work on letting go of how the day's gone. It's not something anyone perfects, its a constant thing to work on, I think. If you're working from home, try to be ruthless not working a minute longer than you need. Also, take all the breaks you're allowed and aim to forget work as much as possible during during them. Every minute of peace helps when you're stressed at work

It might not be the job for you, or just a toxic environment, only you can judge that tho. Wherever you work tho, I think the 3 things above are useful for assessing what's up and coping

honestly if you were my child I would strongly recommend job hunting, nowhere that makes you feel this bad is the right place to be.

The answers to your questions are obvious to them because they know the answer. Don't worry.

When you ask, do you tell them what you think and ask if you're right? That can help as they aren't spoon feeding you but still acting as a sense check. Obviously if you've not been trained and have no idea you'll have to keep asking.

Could you get a mentor? Make sure your manager is meeting with you regularly and giving specific actionable feedback.