Do you ever feel like you are 'faking' trauma or making a fuss over not that much?

[howdoyouknowforsure]

I can't get my head round this.

I was separated from my student mother at a few months old when she went back to university and grew up seeing her every weekend. She married and had more kids and moved further away and this weekend pattern continued.

My grandparents raised me and my Grandma and I were very close. My grandfather was mostly irritated by my presence, sometimes very hateful.

My Grandma had very serious health issues and my first experience of being terrified she would die immediately was when I was 7 and found her collapsed in the middle of the night. She then got cancer when I was a teen, and died when I was 25, the last couple of years of her life were horrendous.

I developed the first of several autoimmune illnesses as a teen, which were really scary with lots of complications. My doctor told me my kidneys were failing when I was 22 and fortunately they are coping okay, but all of the damage to my body has devastated me.

I am seeing a therapist now and get uncomfortable when they talk about trauma, because nobody did anything intentionally to hurt me? And neither did I experience something awful like a car crash or similar?

It's just been a slow constant drip of things I have found very difficult to cope with and still do, I have anxiety for instance and currently very low mood.

However, is that just due to my own flawed personality? Not really trauma?

I'm not saying I'm a terrible person, more just it's unfortunate what happened, and a different person would have coped better mentally?

Therapist is great but they're all trained to basically see you in a positive light aren't they?

I'm sorry for the losses and difficulties you have had to face. It does sound like such a lot.

Don't compare yourself to "imaginary" other people who may or may not have coped better than you. None of us know how we'd have got through in your situation or whether the people around us are really coping as well as they seem.

You have had some traumatic experiences that would affect anyone to some degree or another.

A good therapist won't just tell you what you want to hear, so have no fear of that. You should definitely explore what happened to you and how it affects you today.

I don't think your personality is flawed at all! You seem quite down on yourself for some reason. Was your grandfather the stiff upper lip type who never allowed you to be upset about anything? Are you so used to putting on a brave front that you feel like you are failing if you can't cope?

Why won't you allow yourself to be comforted and helped?

When a person lives through something, they cope the way they cope.

It can be painful to look at something as being 'trauma' if you got through it by telling yourself it was 'manageable'.

It can be distressing to allow the feelings that were suppressed at the time to come to the surface.

You experienced three things that many people would consider to be very difficult - and therefore potentially traumatic - your mother leaving you with your grandparents, the loss of your grandmother, and serious health issues.

No one but you can define it as trauma, it is your life. But if you defined it as trauma, I would not be arguing - this is not a Princess and the Pea situation!

Life by its very nature is about comparing in a way though isn't it?

Everyone is competing for jobs for example. In an interview you are being compared to all the other candidates and nobody cares if you have been affected by negative circumstances.

Certainly I get the impression from basically all my friends that they feel they would have coped so much better than me.

So I don't really ever discuss it and have actually distanced myself from some of those mates.

I don’t think anyone would come out of those circumstances unscathed tbh. That must have been very emotionally tough. Basically you had to cope with seeing your mother move on to a new family and also the fear that your grandmother might die and what would happen to you if she did. That’s a lot to cope with.

My personality must be flawed on some level though, as otherwise my parents would have wanted to take care of me and protect me.

Cognitively I don't agree with that statement but it 100% feels that way in my bones.

So no, I don't really deserve comfort and help, not really, not deep down, as I'm not worth as much as normal people.

I don't live that way though - I am pretty assertive and don't accept being treated like crap generally.

When I talk about things that happened in my past, including some of the emotional stuff in terms of how my mother responded to behaviour I now know was my screamingly undiagnosed (oh the 1980s...) autism - people start going on about trauma and how it must have been horrendous for me and I'm often there baffled - like, yep, it happened and some of it was crap at the time it happened, but I can't change it and it helped get me to where I am now in life.

I've been told by therapists that I'm "emotionally brittle" I think was the phrase - I prefer "emotionally too bloody busy with other stuff".

Really? Did they say this? If they did, that's awful! It's easy to sit on the side lines and claim what you would do.

Anyway, it's how you are coping that matters with your life circumstances that is important here.

Are you in touch with your mother? What kind of relationship do you have? Can you ask her more about why she made the decisions she made? I am sure she thought she was doing her best for you at the time. It does not mean you are lacking in any way.

I know that children in your circumstances can feel "flawed" though and this is what needs to be explored with your therapist. Why don't you start with that? I think that if you feel this way about yourself it will colour whatever you try to do next. You have to know that you are as deserving as the next person. Then, you can move on with your therapy and explore any other issues you have. But this is fundamental, I feel.

Really? Did they say this? If they did, that's awful! It's easy to sit on the side lines and claim what you would do.

Yes, one told me I just wasn't good at solving problems. Whereas she would just do x and y and z if in whatever situation and succeed.

I mean, I've seen how completely stressed she got with a couple of admin things for her visa, so very important - and I get that, I'm not being critical of her at all because those kinds of crucial admin are very stressful.

But from her comfortable bubble of really good health and two nice parents who financially supported her, she just didn't have a clue of my reality.

We are still friends but it is different.

The point about my mate's visa was that when confronted with the stress of a visa application, she wasn't as perfectly calm and fearless as she made out she would be in any challenging circumstance - that was my point. And she had her parents and me supporting her and helping her do stuff.

Well, she sounds clueless and insensitive to me. What a thing to say!

It's probably not worth expending energy on her when you should be exploring therapy, but I'd be tempted to ask her how she would have handled being sent to live with her grandparents and her mum moving on to have a new family, how she'd have handled your grandfather, your grandmother's death and so on.

You may need better friends or perhaps not mention anything to this particular friend as she sounds unable to put herself in someone else's shoes and cannot possibly understand your feelings.

No, your personality is not flawed. Not at all. You have had to cope with some awful experiences, and you are coping in your own way.
Please don't compare yourself with others. You can't know how they are coping, they may feel as traumatized as you do but not showing it.
You are every bit as worthy as others, so don't put yourself down.

Sounds like trauma to me.

No secure primary attachment which is absolutely key to forming security in ourselves as we go through life.

Insecure secondary attachment - in as far as your grandmother was secure but you were in constant conflict with her partner.

Then death and health issues.

Yes, that's emotional trauma.

I think this feeling is part of your trauma. Perhaps subconsciously or consciously feeling unworthy of the right to be upset?

I've had similar myself even though I know objectively that I have experienced traumatic events

Please take care of yourself as much as you can. Be kind to yourself. You DO deserve it.

I had no real concept of how traumatic my childhood had been. I just knew that, when I stopped it, at age 18, my life became an absolute mess, alcohol, drugs, unsuitable men, dreadful behaviour - but I never related it to what had happened to me as a little girl and beyond, mainly because my mother (who caused the trauma) poo pooed it all and just told me I was a dreadful disappointment.
It wasn't until I finally got a really excellent therapist (and after my mother died and I'd got sober) that I began to understand that what I was put through was actually pretty horrific and unusual.
I still, though, don't like to talk about it as a traumatic thing, so to speak; but I am beginning to.
People, when I do mention it - trying to be lighthearted - are aghast, and I can start to unscramble the mess more.
It's hard though.

Hi, sounds like you've had a really tough time, don't discount your experience. Trauma doesn't just relate to a specific awful incident, it can be complex and long term. Not having a solid, safe, reliable attachment at a young age also causes significant trauma and it sounds like your grandfather caused fear for the young you growing up. Have you read "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk? It's brilliant for drawing a line between early trauma, hyper vigilance and physical issues.

It’s quite common (IME) when you have unresolved issues to try to play them out in other relationships. So you could be focusing on “friends” that subconsciously remind you of your mother and you want their acceptance.

Bin off idiot friends. Of course your childhood will have a lasting effect on you. Your parents failed to parent you because of their shortcomings, not yours. You are a victim of your circumstances, none of this is a reflection on you in any way. I hope over time the therapy helps to bring you some peace of mind 💐

You've been through so much, not least finding your gran collapsed as a young child and being told your kidneys were failing in your early 20's, those things are no doubt traumatic. Why would you think otherwise? Some people are more affected by things that others, some people come back from war with PTSD and some don't, that doesn't mean war isn't traumatic and the ones with PTSD should just get over it and pull themselves together.

You feel traumatised by what you've been through and that's all that matters. Someone else being able to cope better than you is neither here nor there especially when they haven't actually walked in your shoes.

"My personality must be flawed on some level though, as otherwise my parents would have wanted to take care of me and protect me."

This bone-deep belief, that you are lacking or flawed, arises from your trauma. As does the idea that other people would somehow have coped better or that your therapist is trained to see you in a positive way. I wonder if you could reframe your statement above so it doesn't reinforce your negative self beliefs.

"My parents were incapable of taking care or protecting me."
"It was easier for my mother to ignore me or see me for limited periods to cope with her own guilt at abandoning me."
"My mother was too emotionally immature to step up as a parent and allowed that responsibility to be taken by my grandmother."

This is not your fault.

I totally get what you're saying. I have been through a lot of 'traumatic' things in my (not very long so far!) life. But I made it through them and I always think other people have faced much worse things so who am I to feel any real 'trauma?. I might be a bit emotionally damaged but I'm alive so it could be much worse. I came from a stiff upper lip, put up and shut up type family where you were really allowed to 'feel' much so maybe that has something to do with it.

My heart goes out to you howdoyouknowforsure.

It's undeniably traumatic being separated from your birth mother, your situation does sound like trauma. It's normal to minimize it in your own head.

PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) sufferers often repeat the same mantras, things like:

It wasn't a big deal,
I didn't mind, I'm ok
It was a long time ago it doesn't matter anymore
The person who did it didn't mean to do it
Nevermind, worse things could happen
I'm not bothered

Those sorts of things. But when you actually look objectively at you life, ask yourself "am I actually ok?" If you're suffering from anxiety and depression, I would never attribute that to a random "personality flaw" I'd attribute it to trauma and pain. I think it's ok to admit life has been unfair to you and you're not as ok as you pretend to be. It's also ok to still be angry or upset about things that happened seemingly forever ago.
The journey towards healing starts by understanding what you're healing from.

You have had some tough times, so don't add to it by being so hard on yourself - although I know that is much more easily said than done. Trauma can take many forms and doesn't have to be caused by a catastrophic event. It is more related to the effect that event is having on your mental health. It is quite common for people not to speak up, or not fully engage in therapies, because they feel they are being silly, or making a fuss etc... So the doubts you are having are not unique, so don't feel bad about it. The best thing you can do is immerse yourself in any help that is offered, and most importantly, be kind to yourself. GL

That deep down, in your bones feeling is the effects of trauma.

I would recommend reading The Body Keeps the Score.