Do you ever feel like you are 'faking' trauma or making a fuss over not that much?

[howdoyouknowforsure]

I can't get my head round this.

I was separated from my student mother at a few months old when she went back to university and grew up seeing her every weekend. She married and had more kids and moved further away and this weekend pattern continued.

My grandparents raised me and my Grandma and I were very close. My grandfather was mostly irritated by my presence, sometimes very hateful.

My Grandma had very serious health issues and my first experience of being terrified she would die immediately was when I was 7 and found her collapsed in the middle of the night. She then got cancer when I was a teen, and died when I was 25, the last couple of years of her life were horrendous.

I developed the first of several autoimmune illnesses as a teen, which were really scary with lots of complications. My doctor told me my kidneys were failing when I was 22 and fortunately they are coping okay, but all of the damage to my body has devastated me.

I am seeing a therapist now and get uncomfortable when they talk about trauma, because nobody did anything intentionally to hurt me? And neither did I experience something awful like a car crash or similar?

It's just been a slow constant drip of things I have found very difficult to cope with and still do, I have anxiety for instance and currently very low mood.

However, is that just due to my own flawed personality? Not really trauma?

I'm not saying I'm a terrible person, more just it's unfortunate what happened, and a different person would have coped better mentally?

Therapist is great but they're all trained to basically see you in a positive light aren't they?

Your personality is not flawed, and this is not why your parents could or would not take care of you. What personality can a small baby have that could put off a parent in this way? Whatever meant that your mum could not or would not care for you was nothing to do with you - you were an innocent victim of whatever trauma or other issues she was having. She went on to have another family because there was soemthing wrong with how she started her adult life - who knows what that could have been - perhaps your existence was a painful reminder of something - or maybe she was lost and alone and unable to cope. Not your fault. Your grandmother clearly loved you - and by a young age you had expereinced not only a sense of abandonment from your own mum, but the fear that your one caregiver may leave you via poor health. That is terrifying to a child, and you may have resulted in being over self reliant, unwilling to trust others and convinced you could only depend on yourself. Then your own body goes and betrays you too by becoming ill. Can you see that all of this is not your fault, not your doing? There is nothing bad or flawed in you that made all of this happen. Often, victims of trauma (and yes, you have suffered several types of trauma) engage in a range of behaviour. Sometimes, they say 'well it could have been worse, at least i wasnt actually abused, beaten... whatever' which is a false comparison as it does not recognise the trauma that did happen. On the other hand, people often say things like 'why me - there must be something wrong with me' which is equally not true. Sadly, those who see your situation from outside simply cannot perceive it as you do - especially from a standpoint of secure attachments in childhood, loving family, good heath and just a lack of thet every present fear. Please accept any help that is offered. I promise you, your are just as valuable as anyone else on this planet and you are worth it.

My therapist told me that shame is a trauma symptom, and it sounds like shame that you are describing.

*My personality must be flawed on some level though, as otherwise my parents would have wanted to take care of me and protect me.

Cognitively I don't agree with that statement but it 100% feels that way in my bones.

So no, I don't really deserve comfort and help, not really, not deep down, as I'm not worth as much as normal people.*

Yes my love that is a trauma response. Therapy will help you to find the little girl who wasn't taken care of and protected and show her that it wasn't her fault.

Yes, so much feel this. So, so much. Constantly trying to calibrate some imaginary trauma measurement system and where I fit on it and either minimising my experiences or throwing a lavish pity party with me as guest of honour. It’s so exhausting

Yes! I thought I was making progress in these feelings (having a lot of therapy) but they coming back really strong for me this week.

@Offcom and @LameyJoliver expressed it so well.

I know I'm not the OP, but I want to thank everyone for responding as I am finding the advice to continue with therapy et c very helpful. After all my symptoms generally have been improving lately, this is just a blip.that's what I tell myself to keep from sliding into the rabbit hole again.

@howdoyouknowforsure right now if I were to tell you that what you are feeling is a pretty normal part of unscrambling your trauma, and that you are absolutely worth helping, your brain won't be able to receive it, you're not there yet. It's a horrible way to feel but it's ok in the sense that this is part of trauma. I absolutely believe in you and you're not alone.