Being controlled by 17 year old DD

[Bestefforts]

My ex and I separated when DD was 14, now divorced. DD has always been free to see her dad whenever she wishes although we have set days/weekends for practical purposes. My ex was extremely controlling throughout the marriage, I capitulated a lot to try and hide things from DD and avoid her witnessing arguments where he would shout me down until I backed off for her sake. She adjusted well to the divorce, even handling her dad moving on with another woman almost immediately that we separated, he was probably having an affair. I was single until 16 months ago, when I was introduced to my DP. He is a wonderful man, we took things slowly where DD was concerned so she would not have our relationship forced upon her. She gets along well with him and his children. The current issues started after she was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum at the beginning of September. She has always been extremely high functioning and gifted academically, her issues are more social interaction and becoming easily stressed and anxious. Since the diagnosis she seems to want to have control of everything around her to avoid anything she perceives may be stressful. I have explained that the priority now is learning coping strategies as the sad reality is she cannot bend the world around her to her needs. Her college have been wonderful, I have been in for a meeting with them and DD, they have reiterated that it is about routines and strategies and learning to cope with her triggers. Unfortunately her dad is very much on the let’s not upset her at all, do everything she wants to keep her happy so she is not anxious about anything. As a result, DD has been treating me like dirt when I try and put anything in to place to teach her life skills that will assist her moving forwards as just sympathising and giving in to her is not feasible in the real world. She wants to go to university but I can’t see how she will cope if she fights against me on everything and runs to her dad who then makes me out to be the bad parent. This is now interfering in my relationship as DD thinks I should be available to her at all times without interruption including texts or phone calls from my partner. Some
of the things she says are clearly her dads words. My parter has taken a step back in an effort to allow me to work on my relationship with DD. However after trying to explain she cannot control my life and that I am entitled to pursue a relationship as well as us have time together, she does not want my DP or his children at the house when she is there. I put my foot down and said my house, my rules and she needs to start respecting me as she cannot keep demanding everything is done as she wants as she cannot expect this when at university or in her working life. She seemed to have a complete attitude adjustment for a week when everything was great, until yesterday when she freaked out because DP happened to be at the house with me when she got home from college, even though she was leaving an hour later to spend her scheduled 2 days at her dads. AIBU to say I will not be controlled by DD and if she cannot accept this, she will have to live with her dad? I do not think this is best for her as his approach to her diagnosis will not help her in the long run and it could ruin my relationship with her but I cannot spend any more of my life being controlled.

Does she 'let' her dads partner visit/stay at his house?
YANBU she cannot control you, does she plan for halls/flatmates at uni?

Her dad moved in with his partner about 6 months after we separated and she has always been ok with this, bar a couple of issues with his partner’s DD who is 3 years younger than my DD. I’ve tried to talk to her about why it’s ok for her dad to move on but not me, she just says that my house is her home as we live in the former marital home, although that might have to change in a year due to our financial court order.
She seems to think that as universities have accommodation which is quieter she will be able to cope, she is not really facing the reality of what halls means!

She's going to find uni impossible if she can't cope with random guests being "at home" and not having the power to say no to people that she doesn't want there. I know that it may be her autism that magnifies the shock at a surprise visitor to the house but even if it was a random person like a plumber, she can't dictate who is there.

If her dad is willing to bend to her demands then it will be easier on you but he's delaying the problem of how she copes at University. I wonder how long he puts up with not being able to have his gf around.

That’s my concern, university is going to hit her like a ton of bricks and I cannot see how she will cope at the moment. Her dad moved in with his partner so DD has no choice but to be around his partner.

You could show her a YouTube video of typical halls. Point out the shared kitchen and communal living area. People wander in and out to cook, get stuff out of the fridge, sit and chat etc

Ime let her df deal with her and her deal with life full time with him. It won't last. Just let it play out...

Tell her you will try to make reasonable adjustments due to her autism but that you cannot completely let the condition dictate your life.

Ask her for the most important things that she would like adjusted and take it from there

So this is new behaviour since she was diagnosed in September? If so it might be part of her coming to terms with the diagnosis. Do you think it could have actually triggered increased anxiety in her to know that she now has a life-long "condition" that she will always have to manage? Is she struggling to accept that she is autistic and is railing against things? Sounds like this needs unpacking a bit more. She might just need more time to come to terms with it, it's early days yet, was she expecting to be diagnosed or has she been blindsided?

Don't rule out university, if it's the case that she CAN cope (with or without coping mechanisms) but just doesn't feel she can, then doing something she feels she will manage could be beneficial to her.

That’s pretty much where I am to be honest, but then it is a question of undoing any further damage her dad does, he has made
life extraordinarily difficult over the last few weeks to the extent I had to get the police involved because he was harassing me, he has convinced DD that I overreacted 😱

Well, tell DD she is welcome to go live with her dad if it's so good and you're so 'horrible'

That's the thing about teenagers. They know everything and we're just a bunch of arseholes.

They think the whole world revolves around them and that if it doesn't, it should.

She'll learn soon enough when she has to go out there and stand on her own two feet.

The diagnosis was not a surprise, it was what we all expected, particularly her and in some ways she felt relieved as it explained some of the things she found difficult. Her reaction now seems to be that everything she does is down to her diagnosis and everyone should just accept that. I understand it is very difficult to accept that the world around you cannot change to make things easier for you no matter how much she would like it too, I’ve done all I can to try and be sensitive to her needs, the trouble is if she anticipates there may be an issue, such as more noise in the house if my partner and his kids are here, noise sensitivity is a big issue, she tells herself it will be a problem before it gets anywhere near being an issue. The kids are quiet as mice when required to be if she is studying, she managed lots of times before the diagnosis, now she just wants to avoid any potential for an issue to arise.

I think this is a bit more complex to be honest. Your dd has had a diagnosis a few weeks ago, relatively late on which is bound to cause some identity related issues. She's witnessed her dad being abusive to her mum, that relationship breaking down and is trying to navigate both those relationships and now the early beginnings of a blended family as well, plus the massive change that leaving school, final exams and the huge decision of what next. She has two parents with very different, in fact opposing, approaches to parenting.

Is it any wonder she's trying to feel like she's any wee bit of control in her life after so much around her has or is about to change. That would be a lot for any young person never mind a young person with a diagnosis of autism.

As you say your dd will need to learn coping skills etc to manage but you can't expect her to behave like she has those skills when she's yet to learn them. What support does she have around her specific to her diagnosis? Does she have a disability social worker or support worker? Has she had any counselling or received any support for the domestic violence she witnessed?

I think you need to put in place clear boundaries but I would also be trying to put in place much more support as well. And a lot of this is going to require stability and patience from you which to be honest I think is the exact reason you're the one having these issues with her because she knows you are the parent who can actually provide her with that.

I have worked with a number of young people who've had a late diagnosis and a lot of them as part of that journey learnt much more about autism and how it can present and then they had a lengthy period of working out what parts of that applied to them. You have to remember if your dd has got this diagnosis now, then she's always had autism but up to now has probably been masking to try and confirm to social expectations of her. This is the first chance she has had to firstly put a name to it, to understand it and to not need to hide it. You're going to need to go at her pace here because there is a lot to unpick.

Yy to 17 year olds being know it alls. I have a 17yo who is normally an easy child but thinks that everyone else is a fool and he knows best.

I think that you need to accept that her dad will either send her back to you because he ironically can't cope with controlling people either or she goes to uni and realises that you are correct and people aren't going to be tiptoeing around her.

Do you practice low demand parenting?

https://naomi-fisher.mykajabi.com/store#:~:text=In%20this%20course%2C%20Dr%20Naomi,have%20a%20diagnosis%20or%20not.

It may be that she is just trying to put barriers in place and learning how to deal with her diagnosis. It's tough when they are rude though. Perhaps she could do with some counselling with an autism specialist.

F

Thank you so much for your reply, it makes so much sense. She is having counselling at school, she meets regularly with the well being officer and the SENCO lead. She has a lot to learn in the way of coping skills, it is very early days and I am gently trying to get her to realise that the first step is realising avoidance of issues is not the way forward and she has been implementing this with regards to her college work with great success already. It is very hard to separate my own difficulties with feeling controlled which I guess is something I need to work on in order to help her.

This is very tough as there are so many ingredients.

I think overall you are not being unreasonable, and she cannot dictate your life, but some compromise is possible. I think the example you chose is not a good one. Why couldn’t you have waited a couple of hours to see your partner? Your daughter probably wanted a quiet hour with you to sort herself out and decompress before going to her dad’s.

I am not an autism expert but I have spent time with autistic people in a professional capacity and also listened to an autistic girl explain her challenges (of about your daughter’s age). She is probably trying her hardest to socially fit in with two different new families whilst not having any instinct as to how to do it. This must be incredibly stressful and tiring. So, the odd outburst is to be expected.

The fact she wants to go to uni and live there doesn’t mean she can, especially without adjustments, so it isn’t really an argument.

Ultimately, although you shouldn’t fundamentally change your life or allow her to tell you what to do, I do think compromise and reasonable adjustment is called for.

YANBU

She sounds very difficult.

But teens can be difficult and she has had quite a lot of changes to deal with and it could be affecting her now.

I wouldn’t pussyfoot around her but I would also pick my battles.

Her diagnosis does not give her free range to demand things and be rude.

Your DP being there should have absolutely no impact on her, if she’s got her own room but sometimes it nice to come home and not have another person there.

If she was going to her dads an hour later then I would have told DP to come over then.
As it’s important that she has time without him there.
If she’s not going to her dads for a week then she’s going to have to get over DP being there a handful of times.

I don’t think you should be discouraging uni.
You are absolutely right that she needs to find ways to cope in the real world and I think uni would be a great way to do this, whilst still having support.

Thank you for your input, it is really helpful. My partner had been present at the house all day to help me as I was having a huge flair up of my back issues and struggling to
move, I had to cancel work, I am self employed. We have compromised by only seeing each other when she is at her dads, so I sometimes feel there is not
much more compromising I can do short of ending my relationship and remaining single.

I know some students at uni currently with autism.

They have rooms that are specifically for disabled students. The room has a small
Kitchen and bathroom as part of the room ( so is basically a bed-sit).

You are quite right that many students with autism struggle with normal halls where they need to share bathrooms/kitchens, which is why these rooms are available.

Your DD will be given reasonable adjustments at uni - you don't have to force her into coping with stuff she can't cope with just because you think she should.

Thank you for your input, it is really helpful. My partner had been present at the house all day to help me as I was having a huge flair up of my back issues and struggling to
move, I had to cancel work, I am self employed. We have compromised by only seeing each other when she is at her dads, so he has not been around her in weeks, so I sometimes feel there is not much more compromising I can do short of ending my relationship and remaining single.
I have always encouraged her to go to university, we were at an open day at Manchester at the weekend. As she is rebelling against everything I’m doing to try and help her and prepare her for what university will entail, I’m just really worried I will not be able to get her to the stage where she will cope.

YANBU op

My daughter is an autistic teen. She doesn't cope well with people coming and going in our house. Like her older siblings visiting etc. we make sure she knows in advance so it's not suddenly thrust upon her. Yes there are times when it can't be helped and we have an unexpected visitor, and I understand her distress at this, we have our coping techniques in place for if it happens (no one's to go to her room, she uses her earphones/music to pace and calm down etc).

In other situations like college or residential that she's been on, she's coped really well. At grandparents when they have people over she coped ok. It's having what she considers her personal quiet place at home disrupted that upsets her.

So yes I can see where your dd is coming from. It might help to stick to certain days that your partner comes round so she's more prepared.

Show her the film about Helen Keller. She was blind and deaf and her family decided she could anything she wanted if it made her happy. She ended up being pretty feral and ate by grabbing what she wanted from other people's plates. She had a teacher who fought hard for her to act normally and to teach her to communicate. It was a hard road but she changed her live and she ended up being highly successful and arguably much happier being guided than being left to 'be happy'. Your daughter should try not to be defined by her diagnosis or railroaded into being 'happy' but try and be successful in her own right - but part of this is to accept that the world doesn't and won't revolve around her.