Being controlled by 17 year old DD

[Bestefforts]

My ex and I separated when DD was 14, now divorced. DD has always been free to see her dad whenever she wishes although we have set days/weekends for practical purposes. My ex was extremely controlling throughout the marriage, I capitulated a lot to try and hide things from DD and avoid her witnessing arguments where he would shout me down until I backed off for her sake. She adjusted well to the divorce, even handling her dad moving on with another woman almost immediately that we separated, he was probably having an affair. I was single until 16 months ago, when I was introduced to my DP. He is a wonderful man, we took things slowly where DD was concerned so she would not have our relationship forced upon her. She gets along well with him and his children. The current issues started after she was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum at the beginning of September. She has always been extremely high functioning and gifted academically, her issues are more social interaction and becoming easily stressed and anxious. Since the diagnosis she seems to want to have control of everything around her to avoid anything she perceives may be stressful. I have explained that the priority now is learning coping strategies as the sad reality is she cannot bend the world around her to her needs. Her college have been wonderful, I have been in for a meeting with them and DD, they have reiterated that it is about routines and strategies and learning to cope with her triggers. Unfortunately her dad is very much on the let’s not upset her at all, do everything she wants to keep her happy so she is not anxious about anything. As a result, DD has been treating me like dirt when I try and put anything in to place to teach her life skills that will assist her moving forwards as just sympathising and giving in to her is not feasible in the real world. She wants to go to university but I can’t see how she will cope if she fights against me on everything and runs to her dad who then makes me out to be the bad parent. This is now interfering in my relationship as DD thinks I should be available to her at all times without interruption including texts or phone calls from my partner. Some
of the things she says are clearly her dads words. My parter has taken a step back in an effort to allow me to work on my relationship with DD. However after trying to explain she cannot control my life and that I am entitled to pursue a relationship as well as us have time together, she does not want my DP or his children at the house when she is there. I put my foot down and said my house, my rules and she needs to start respecting me as she cannot keep demanding everything is done as she wants as she cannot expect this when at university or in her working life. She seemed to have a complete attitude adjustment for a week when everything was great, until yesterday when she freaked out because DP happened to be at the house with me when she got home from college, even though she was leaving an hour later to spend her scheduled 2 days at her dads. AIBU to say I will not be controlled by DD and if she cannot accept this, she will have to live with her dad? I do not think this is best for her as his approach to her diagnosis will not help her in the long run and it could ruin my relationship with her but I cannot spend any more of my life being controlled.

I have a 17 year old DD, who was diagnosed earlier in the summer. She too is “high functioning” .. but she’s L2 in her diagnosis, as there are some areas she needs a lot of support in.

First off, what does it say in her diagnosis letter? What advice has been given by Ed Psych, CAMHS etc ? The school counsellor can only provided limited support, and school only sees her in one situation.

If your DD is anything like mine, they like to have control of their lives. I practice very low demand parenting. There are some thins that really trigger her (she hates anyone being in the kitchen at the same time, so we make sure we steer clear when she’s in). She also goes through phases, about what is and isn’t acceptable — tbh, we just let these things rise, as they become an “issue” if we push back… so we just say “ok” and within days it’s forgotten about.

DD is also on Sertraline to help with the anxiety, which is great.

I do have expectations.. so right now it’s “you go into college every day, and get your work done, outside if that your time is your own” - she spends a lot of time gaming .. but so what.

Parenting an ND young person, is very different than parenting an NT young person - you can’t just “take thier electronics away” and expect that to solve anything

We’ve spoken to the disability teams at all the open days we’ve been to and all have some sort of provision to cater for those with additional needs x

She's 17, with a diagnosis to come to terms with and a toxic divorce in her recent past. Her father isn't her safe person, you are. Imo, I don't think you should inflict another man and his children on her until she's more settled. You say you're taking your time, but it's only 3 years since you got divorced. Put her first, keep your boyfriend out of the way and help her to achieve getting to university. Don't force her into the position of having to put up with your boyfriend, you'll lose her if you do.

I have a high functioning DD, similar age, diagnosed age 11.

There is a lot of good sense in what @Lavender14 has written. With regard to the masking I was very much aware of when my DD was masking over the years, but she reserves that for the outside world. At home she is more controlling, because she's in an environment where she's comfortable to do so, but it does lead to conflict.

Mine has increasing anxiety which makes her more controlling in order to keep things the way she wants in order to maintain her mental health. We are a family of 6, so she cannot have everything her own way.

Have you taken her to look at universities yet? We have done so over the last 2 years and spent more time than usual looking at accommodation, noise, how many share a space, is there a communal lounge or just a communal kitchen, the lighting etc. You will get priority on certain elements - for example, end of a corridor (quieter), moving in earlier than others (so not frantic and get to choose the cupboard/fridge shelf. Some uni's have flat's for people that want a quieter life. Plus ask about their disabled student support and allowances.

Whilst a new diagnosis, your DD has suspected for a while. I would not permit her to exclude your DP and would gently remind her that you have a right to a life and visitors, but I would be setting expectations - "xyz will be here, arriving from 6pm, just letting you know". I would also avoid bad mouthing her dad to her - you're just giving her fuel.

Remaining calm is always best I find in these situations with my daughter and sometimes telling her that at this moment I need to walk away (if she is trying to escalate things to get her own way).

She was diagnosed only in September. Your dd needs time to come to terms with it. She was probably masking all her life and is now realising that there’s a reason why she finds things harder than others. It’s good that she can be herself with you rather than mask which will lead to autistic burnout. Her coming home to find your partner there was a change/unexpected and she expected to decompress and be herself without having someone else there. I know it’s hard having to adjust your life for her but it’s only till she goes to uni. My daughter showed a lot of autistic traits more when we realised she’s autistic which was when she went in to burnout. If she is regulated she will be less anxious. Also, her ability to cope varies from day to day. Another thing to consider is for some autistic people trauma reaction can be delayed. I’ve seen it in my daughter. She seemed to cope fine when the traumatic event happened but it hit her years later. Therapists needs to be knowledgeable about neurodivergency or even be autistic themselves. Forcing her to face anxious situations also is not going to mean she will be able to get used to it as with non autistics. Just try to be patient and understanding and read up lots about autistic girls. She is close to you and that is why she feels free to be herself with you.

Thank you for your reply. We have looked at lots of universities, visited accommodation and seen to the disability support teams at each one so advance planning is definitely underway.
we suspected for quite some time that she may be on the spectrum and got a private diagnosis in order to have it in plenty of time before she goes to university to make sure she could access as much support as possible. She was never controlling or demanding in the way she is now prior
to her diagnosis, it is very difficult not to feel that she thinks the diagnosis gives her the right to be. She was always receptive to guidance and boundaries previously, now she challenges everything 😢

Autistic people do struggle when they do not feel in control. It's likely that prior to her diagnosis she masked a lot so it's great she can be her self.
Autistic people are more reactive because they are expected to comply with a nt world, because they often have sensory issues and due to social communication issues. As a parent of an asd child a large part of your job is to manage her environment so that she can cope better. So really consistent routines and boundaries. It's not fair to spring things on her and expect her to cope because it's not a big deal to you.

There's a really great Facebook page called asked the autistic adults that can be useful for advice.

And I am Autistic by Chanelle Moriah is a great book that explains the autistic experience really well.

You are getting frustrated and and attempting to control the situation because you feel overwhelmed. Now imagine feeling how you feel but your an autistic 14 year old.

Sorry 17 year old

To my mind low demand parenting is just "mum does everything for you for an easy life". It's never Dad. Always mum.
No, the world will not bend to her (but you can have some reasonable accommodations). There will be some help at Uni (as others have said). But it won't be like being at home and it is your job as her mum to ease her towards that.

I recommend this book (I should get commission).

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Breaking-Free-Child-Anxiety-Scientifically/dp/0190883529/ref=asc_df_0190883529/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=428049181871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3600674545712444025&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006854&hvtargid=pla-920544556788&psc=1&th=1&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=103526072630&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=428049181871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3600674545712444025&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006854&hvtargid=pla-920544556788

In some ways it sounds like it's probably better my DS (who is very controlling) had his ADHD diagnosis quite young as he just paints everything as "I'm the best and you are all rubbish" rather than "I have a condition, woe is me, you need to do everything for me" and everyone just goes "oh, OK, have fun with that" instead of "oh my goodness you poor little thing".

I was talking to a friend whose DD is not attending school currently and she said that she felt her DD's anxiety was completely well founded due to traumatic things that happened at school before (I am of the mind that it should be possible to find some school setting that would work but they definitely haven't found it yet).
My DS however is currently struggling with social anxiety and doesn't want to enter any setting with groups of people - but there is no history of harm from groups of people - he has just become sensitised to them. So we are working on gradual exposure (not, like some people seem to suggest for my friend's DD, flooding/massive exposure/in at the deep end).

So I would say that the less your DD sees your DP the more likely she is to think it's too much for her to cope with him there.

Thank you, I’ve ordered the book! I will continue to work on the graduated exposure as I’m trying to help her see that avoidance will not solve things in the long run x

YANBU to not want to feel controlled by her and to continue pushing back against this in a calm and fair manner. However, I would really try to avoid saying "well go and live with your dad then." That does not sound like the best solution for her. Instead I would just keep reiterating the things you're saying in your OP (the two of you both need to compromise, you want to spend time with your partner and you refuse to allow her to set the rules about when you can do so etc etc) even when it leads to an argument. I know this is hard and will need a lot of patience - it's a learning process for both of you.

It's absolutely right for you to have reasonable boundaries. I just wouldn't tell her to go and live with her dad.

I expect some of the change in behaviour post diagnosis is relief that she doesn't have to mask because there's a reason she feels how she does.

Some really good advice in this thread OP. It isn’t an easy situation. Even though the diagnosis was expected it does have to be processed by both of you. It’s a lot for a teenager to get their head around.

I do think that you should be able to have your partner in your home from time to time because I think if he is never there it could become a bigger deal when he is there. You do need to make sure you are not left in a situation where even when she is finished uni you can’t move in with a partner because the change will be too much for her.

Having said all that for an autistic person their home needs to be as stress free as possible. It’s not possible for there to never be stress or change but home is where my DC regulates himself when he becomes stressed or overwhelmed.

My DC was diagnosed quite young but in back of my mind is that I won’t always be around to shield him from stress that the world around him causes. My ex has always been dismissive of the diagnosis and makes zero adjustments to DC so complete opposite of your ex. Neither are good strategies. It’s hard trying to navigate the right path for your child when you don’t have other parents support.

She got a fright when DP was there because she wasn't expecting it.

Because her bandwidth for coping with the world is very very narrow now.

Because she is having to face leaving home and going to college.

That's daunting for any teen, even more so for a teen with autism.

She may be two years behind in her emotional and social development, even if she's well able academically.

She might not be able for college next year. She might need another year to be ready.
That is a very very real possibility everyone needs to consider.

She will get to the stage she can cope - but it'll be in her own time.

She may need more time in the oven before she's baked into an adult.

You need to give her lots of options rather than try to channel her into one pathway.

Otherwise you might get more 'masking' - where she's going along with stuff that's expected of her but when it comes to making the jump, it won't happen.

You could look into one year courses close to home that might suit for year - is that an option?

She wants to pursue a degree in religion and theology so there aren’t any one year courses that would be suitable.

Thanks, there has been lots of food for thought in all of the posts, I’m grateful for everyone‘s input. This is a really tough balancing act, especially without the support of her dad. I always thought we would be on the same page but this seems to be another means of him exerting control over me by telling DD what she wants to hear which paints me in a bad light.

Your ex husband is using this situation to keep control of you.

You are so right, it frustrates the hell out of me, but this is just one other aspect of my life I have to remove his control from, there have been so many others!