NC'd, as I don't want to be identified.
My husband (OH) and I (along with two young children) currently live in the UK where OH is from, and my whole family lives in my home country. OH and I are moving to my home country to be closer to my family (I am very close with my family) as we have no support network in the UK. It is a joint decision to move.
OH and my father (DF) are both incredibly obstinate. It is a trait that I really dislike in both of them, but something that I can generally live with. Nobody is perfect, blah blah blah.
That said...it is now affecting my family in a big way.
This past summer, we spent a month at month at my parents' house, which is when all of the pigheadedness came to a head.
DF feels that OH is lazy and a fairly uninvolved parent. I understand why he thinks that, as OH was significantly depressed when DS1 was born, and when my parents came to visit, OH effectively did nothing to help out. DF has since been treating OH quite passive aggressively. In front of people, DF would make snide comments about how OH should do more with the kids and do more to help me out, but when it was just the two of them, he would be perfectly nice and joke around. I have called out DF and made it clear that his treatment of OH is unacceptable. DF has not apologized, but slightly eased up on the passive aggression.
OH is rightly angry at how my DF has treated him. However, his response was been to leave whenever DF entered the room, which then meant that he wasn't spending time with the children. Now that we are home, OH makes frequent comments about how he hates my DF. He has said in no uncertain terms that my DF will not be welcome in our home unless he apologizes sufficiently. I have asked OH to be the bigger person and start the conversation with DF, to which he has refused and said that it needs to come from DF.
I am now stuck in the middle (along with my mom, who has also spoken to DF about apologizing). My parents want to visit us next month and OH doesn't want DF in our house, which effectively keeps my children away from their grandparents. My parents are phenomenal grandparents and talk to my children every day on video calls. They adore each other. I want them to be together. I miss my parents and want to be with them. But I obviously can't bring someone in the house who is essentially bullying my OH.
Beyond my parents not being able to visit because of this, I am extremely worried about what it will be like when we move. If OH and DF don't sort this out, I don't see how we will be able to have the support system that we are moving specifically for. My DM and DF are together and can't be expected to separate every time they see us. I desperately need my family on my life and am not willing to cut them out.
AIBU that my DF and OH need to grow up and talk to each other like civilized people? Or am I allowing my DF to abuse my OH? Or am I putting up with my OH being a petulant child?
Sorry this was so long. I don't want to drip feed.