To not enjoy my children together?

[Frostyfields]

I feel really guilty but I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old and the 3 year old goes to nursery for part of the week. The two days I have then both at home are horrendous and I feel so bad about it. I feel such a mixture of guilt and relief when I drop the 3 year old off at nursery. Yet other mums have their children all the time, no break at al, and seem fine: it makes me wonder if I’m particularly bad at this?

Mine are easier together (9 and 12). More difficult when one is going through a phase of not wanting to play with the other but generally they occupy each other well.

The eldest did start school age 3 (not uk) when the youngest was 7 months though so during school term they rarely spent all day in the week together.

I have 2 boys, aged 6 and 2. The younger one is going through a hitting and biting phase which is delightful and his no.1 target is his brother. The eldest winds the two year old up dreadfully. I can’t leave them in the same room for 2 minutes without one of them screaming at the other. It’s exhausting and I dread the school holidays. DS2 goes to nursery 2 days a week and we keep him in during the school holidays for some peaceful time with DS1 and I don’t feel guilty about it. You’re not alone, you sound like a great parent actually :)

I always felt guilty about dreading school holidays! Other mums would always enthuse about how much they loved having their children at home! I think they lied🤣🤣

I had 2 under 2, and was aSAHM for 5 years until the youngest went to school. This was for practical reasons, so not due to any desire to be a SAHM.

I found it incredibly hard. My one regret in life is that I didn’t have both in childcare for at least 1 day a week (or indeed any form of childcare.) I couldn’t enjoy any of it and I think it coloured my view of parenting. We could have afforded some childcare, but a variety of reasons , including pride, meant that I never sought for , and got, the relief from parenting that I desperately needed.

Its fine to acknowledge its a tough job, and that you need help (I had none).

Mine are 11 and 12 and I still can't go to the toilet without ww3 breaking out 🙄 honestly thought this would have stopped by now.

GOD YANBU.

Mine are 7 and 11. 7yo has additional needs so is more difficult in general. They just bicker. Constantly. The 11yo doesn't/won't understand that the 7yo has no concept of danger or needs to be spoken to a certain way. The 7yo winds up the 11yo until she explodes which makes the 7yo explode.

I've had to apologise to my lovely neighbour several times this week already for the shouting.

Hand holding in the trenches right now. It'll all be OK in the end.

Forgot to add- on they're own they are delightful!

I have a 2.5 year old and a 7 month old with no childcare. I've found aspects of the past 7 months hard but recently feel so burnt out and like I couldn't wait to go back to work. I was starting to think I was struggling because I just wasn't cut out for parenting so thanks for all the honest replies on this thread!! Looking forward to next month when my toddler starts nursery 😅

Mine are 10 and 8 and I feel the same even now. it's bloody hard. Apart there both lovely kids, together they turn into demons

Yes I definitely find it harder to have both of mine together. People often justify small age gaps because they say the dc will play together and let the parents relax. I never see this happen in real life, especially when they are under 5. I had a larger age gap of nearly 4 years, and this was great as dc1 was in nursery when dc2 was born, and then she was in school 5 days. I only have them together on my own for a short time after school and before DH gets home at 5.30pm, at weekends both of us are with the dc. It's fun to see them play together but so much easier with 2 adults who can take one each if needed. School holidays were hard work but we've used activity camps although I'm a sahm, so I don't have to entertain both at the same time.

7 and 5 year olds here and the summer holidays nearly broke me as they argue and fight over everything some days!!!
Not that it would be easy if just had the older one as she won’t play on her own anyway, but at least they wouldn’t be swiping toys off each other!
I think other mums just don’t say how hard it can be, or have very chilled out children!

Mine have a 3 year gap. It’s always been tricky. They’ve never really got along. My eldest did everything she could to disrupt things for me when youngest was a baby. I had to feed behind a baby gate some days as she would be grabbing. She’d had 3 years of her 2 parents to herself and not sharing anything.

They have a half sibling who they tolerate much better but she is 4 years younger than my youngest and 7 younger than my eldest. My eldest mothers her where she wouldn’t be nice at all to full sister. My youngest isn’t always keen on her half sister but they don’t see her very often so they seem to get on better.

my two seem to fight over everything from where they sit in the house to what cup they use. Both secondary age now and has never got much better.

Oh god, I hate having my two together. Breathed a huge sigh of relief when she started school and I no longer had to endure her day off nursery with me and the baby.

DP is taking off half term and Christmas so we’re all together, then the baby starts nursery in the new year 4 days a week, so until he starts school I’ll only have to do the occasional day in half terms/holidays with them both – and some of those school holidays DP will do AL so then my day at home with our youngest will actually be all four of us. I might do a chart of how many days I actually have to get through... I don’t think I’m terrible, it’s just relentless hard work to manage the needs of a four year old and a baby at the same time, and no one ends up enjoying it, and I’m a worse parent for it. I love having them both one on one, or having them both when DP is on hand too. But days with them both absolutely cement my choice to not have a third…

I have two a similar age and have really been feeling this recently and have felt so guilty about it, I thought it was just me! The replies on this thread are honestly a relief 😂 parenting is hard!

Personality dependent to. My DSis and I fought (not physically!) every day until I went to uni. We’re very different and can push each other’s buttons to this day. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t defend her to an outsider to my dying breath.

My DSs are similar (11 and 7). DM had DS2 for a few days this summer and there were no rows, it was all so very chilled at home.

Bless you! Having a baby and a toddler at the same time is a lot! Even just having one of those is hardwork.

Mums are allowed to feel like it is hardworking & not enjoy every moment of motherhood without it meaning that we are bad parents. Not 1 person can be happy and enjoy all aspects of parenting 100% of the time. But the fact that you worry & feel that mum guilt over it just shows how much you do care. You have to learn to drop that guilt & be kind to yourself.

Having babies & toddlers can mean living with sleep deprivation too, which is very hard to live with. Then I imagine you still have your body & hormones recovering from the pregnancies & labour's. Its so important for our children that we take care of ourselves, that means taking time out, resting, doing things we enjoy etc..

Also the biggest thing here is, never ever compare yourself to other mums. Some people are masters of deception when it comes to keeping up appearances! On the outside it looks like they're super happy & everything is a dodle. Whereas really, behind closed doors, they're struggling equally if not more than other. Especially those who are constantly uploads those perfect family photos/posts to social media!

So, take things in your own stride, be kind to yourself, do things the way thats best for you & your family, don't let others opinions, appearances & unrealistic expectations pressure you or get you down, and don't beat yourself up for finding things tough or boring sometimes.

The mum guilt is so real, I learnt to try and speak to myself how I would to others in similar situations.
So instead of telling myself I'm rubbish & not good enough because I need some me time (or whatever I'm struggling with). I'd never say that to anybody else because it's not true & it's mean! So I definitely shouldniot be saying that to myself!
Give yourself the praise you deserve, you're doing a great job! You care so much! You are a human with needs outside of motherhood & that is normal & wonderful!

However if you do find that you are really struggling anytime, its absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, reach out for help at your Drs, Children's centres baby groups, or look into therapy etc.. the best of us have struggled with the huge changes that motherhood brings, it's completely normal & we all need some support sometimes in life.

Take it easy x

I hear you... I have a 5 year old and 5 month old. When my older daughter was off for summer hols, and my baby was 3m old, it was hell. Utter hell! I hated it all. It was so so difficult. You're not alone, it's hard. I guess it gets better and easier... time will tell for us!

This is hilarious

I don’t think it’s that you don’t enjoy them together it’s just it’s hard when they are. I have a 9 8 and almost 5 year old with only 17 months between the eldest two and I can say it’s still not easy. Maybe easier ! The eldest two bicker constantly about anything and everything and the middle one torments the wee one. I can honestly say though I wouldn’t have it any other way. What an incredible bond they have together - which comes from spending time together. But importantly too - apart!!

‘Seem’ fine

I have 2 adult boys in their 20s with their own lifes one is married. I want to say it gets better but I really don't know.
But my god when we're all together them 2 none stop like there 4-5 again it's not who as who's toys anymore its mum you did say I'm the favourite (no I didn't)mum you did say he's adopted right (no I didn't).
I got mum this for Xmas what did you get her oh that's crap (no it's lovely). They do love each other but it's just the way they are.

Last year eldest son got me a favourite child cushion with his face on it followed by youngest son favourite child cup with his face on it 😂 done on purpose.
There scarry items to look at lol but I love them.

This confused me so much as I am in EXACTLY the same situation, to the point where I thought I’d written this post in a sleep deprived haze then forgotten about it.

I have a three year old and a five month old too and the days I have both at home are so tough. I dread the weekends a bit to be honest because I have them both on a Monday so three consecutive days of them feels hard work, even with DH around on Saturday and Sunday. I feel so guilty for not being able to enjoy basically being a parent of two. I love time with my eldest and I love the days alone with the baby, but the two days a week I have them both at home make me question everything. I’m even thinking of upping my eldest’s hours at pre school.

So I have no advice but know you’re not alone!

I think it’s everything to do with bond, when they actively look out for each other and spend time together they become more manageable so if one of always on nursery then they will miss out on the bonding.

Mine are 20 months apart and usually each other's bestie! It was hard when they were little, but pretty great now they're 11 and almost 13. Different genders and different schools now and they still love spending time together. Go with mindset that you're all a team and it does get better, I promise!

YANBU. Time to cut yourself some slack. Kids together at that age are a massive pain in the rectum because they can't manage their competing needs and wants. Tears tantrums, fights and the rest are standard. People miss the cuddles but not the tantrums and it's why parents with older kids miss but don't often want to return to the early days.