To wonder why some posts are dived on

[chessica]

Fairly straightforward post and I have been dived on. Same happened to me a couple of weeks ago (different usernames to this … I change often). I’ve seen it happen countless times to other people usually those who are clearly anxious over something and then they get mocked about it or other derisive comments.

Why do people do it? Do you think it’s just a boredom thing? Or people think they can, since they’re anon? It seems worse on here and on chat and a lot more constructive and supportive on some of the other boards. I’m not going to trot out the ‘be kind’ as obviously it doesn’t apply to all situations, but why go out your way to be mean?

They remind me of a gaggle of women whispering behind their hands to each other about someone, and each other.
They're pathetic.

Genuinely upsetting ones were of clearly sensitive nature with many possible explanations but mumsnet clearly wanted the worst and most malicious and dived at OP like pack of wolves smelling blood...without even letting explore another possibility AT ALL.

I posted some months ago asking for help with a situation in which I freely admitted I was not blameless, but wanted to make better.
The majority of replies were awful and were just telling me what a bad person I was, instead of giving me suggestions on how I could be a better person.
I just wanted some help - instead I ended up feeling even worse. If I comment on a post I always try to be helpful if I can, I think there has only been one occasion when I have just come out and said that a poster is unreasonable, and only because they were quite obviously completely unreasonable!

I have experienced this a couple of times. It is as bemusing as it is painful. I guess you have to remember that the Mumsnet readership is colossal which extends well beyond the UK, and that a fair percentage of them are very damaged people who use the cloak of anonymity to gain any sort of leverage that they can.

Thank you for starting this thread. We are not alone!

Wow, wasn’t expecting so many on the same page! How many users do you think use the site. I don’t know anyone personally but then again nor do I disclose my use of it to my friends and family

I've been a member of Mumsnet for around 20 years, it has definitely changed. I live abroad and don't really have a lot of people around me I can turn to for advice, I used to rely on Mumsnet to discuss things with, give me a different point of view etc. The last time I posted with a problem I needed to discuss with others, I was turned on, it was terrible. I was posting from a dark place already and then the subsequent pile on was horrific. Some people are just down right nasty. I keep my posts to the TV addicts page now.

Mumsnet is not so much of a supportive space for parents these days.

I think that (along with all the reasonable people) there is a contingent who use MN who basically sit in their back-bedroom/basement waiting for a chance to spit venom and spoil someone's day. They may feel frustrated and bullied in their own real lives and get a kick out of hurting someone else.

Some defenders of these people will claim that's what AIBU is all about: plain, unvarnished speaking. That's completely disingenuous - there's a difference between frank, well-meaning advice and insults/enjoyment of someone's misery. Simple test: would you say it to the OP's face? If not, don't type it.

I've noticed that a lot threads that get a pile-one tend to be attention seeking in some way. The situation described is usually something very trivial such as a shouting child, overanalysing a text message, complaining about some else's behaviour that is impossible to analyse based on a fleeting encounter etc. It's basically a bit "pick me" as if the OP wants confirmation from the masses that they are not like other people and they were wronged, on a topic that is negligible in first place. Sometimes the crowd picks up on this "pick me ness" and then turns on OP as a result.

Threads about very serious matters like illness, death, injury etc are almost never piled on. Even ones that are clearly trolls or fantasists are given the benefit of the doubt until MN get enough reports to look into it.

I think MN, and especially AIBU, once had the reputation of being the site where you would find clever, witty and skilfully delivered comebacks and arguments.

The people who make nasty and personal comments may be trying to emulate some sort of witty remark, and when they fail, they just write something that will either shock, or that lets them spit out the venom that they cannot spit in real life.

Yes, there is a lot of diving in and I’m shocked at the childish name calling.

What really shocks and worries me is when a celebrity is accused, judged and found guilty all without a trial!

If anyone dares point this out they are immediately called insulted in the most hurtful way.

Words like ‘Rape apologist’ or ‘ misogynistic’ are thrown around in a manner that not only inflicts maximum hurt to the poster but also degrades the meaning of the word.

Sadly these discussions also seem to host the most intense pile ons.

I would not start a thread on Mumsnet unless I knew I had the resilience to mentally cope if the arseholes come out in force.

You really do have to just grey rock them and only respond to those who are being genuinely helpful.

Maybe because some people post extremely stupid things?!

Like "how can I feed a vegetarian"... or "poor me my public school fees might go up!"

🤷🏻‍♀️

'Why do people do it?'....because they can particularly as anonymous, part of a pack mentality.

When I read theads where OP is feeling vulnerable, obviously in distress enough to post yet ends up being picked on; the post dissected, hijacked with replies focusing on nothing to do with the initial issue but trivial minutae, I'm ashamed of women behaving so appallingly with such lack of empathy.

I also note that blokes posting are given a hard time, yet if same posted by a woman it garners a totally different reaction.

I am a great believer if you can't say anything nice, better say nothing at all.

There are some nasty people about. I posted once in tears and the first reply was so smug and superior I said that didn't answer my question and how was her reply helpful when I was asking for advice. Well there were no more replies of any use, just people piling on calling me rude and the first poster going full on victim mode at how awful I was (I honestly wasn't ot i would have owned that).

Sorry to hear that @chessica - I have noticed this too. I think that it is to do with the anonymity - I guess people feel free to show their true colours and they don't think too much about the real person on the other side...there is no way most people talk to people's faces they way they do on here. I guess it's seen as - well if you put your stuff out there, you're fair game. Which is not the right way to view it IMO. However, I have been guilty of sometimes being too blunt and have gone back to apologise recently cause I was worried I'd said something in a very harsh way. You also don't get the nuances of tone of voice etc. when you're typing a message.

I think some people are just nasty twats though to be honest! Naively, I wouldn't have thought a women's forum would be like this. I guess I'm just lucky - I work for a charity and everyone I come into contact with day to day is generally considerate/nice and definitely not the mean girls school girl type. Reading through threads on here, you quickly realised that some sad acts never grow out of being spiteful. Ah well, leave the miseries to it!!

I'm on the fence with this. Some people do pile on and can give the op a right kicking, especially if their original post gets misread or misconstrued. It can get pretty nasty and horrible to witness.

On the other hand some posters clearly post the most ridiculous, goady bollocks, often designed to make themselves look/feel superior that I'm not surprised they get a pile on

If it affects you so much why keep posting in AIBU, which is known for being robust?

Why not Chat or the other sections, which are much gentler?

And do you defend posters when they get piled on? Or do you just stay quiet?

People who have no life outside the internet try to bring others down to their level by being vile to others.

People who go back through a posters previous posts in order to try to further stab the knife in are particularly sad and have my pity.

One of my favourite threads recently was a poster trying to pick a fight with the OP, and the OP kept gracefully batting them off or not engaging with them. It was a joy to behold, as the poster was getting more and more rude and cross. The OP never responded to them, despite being quoted numerous times by the vile poster.

I sent that OP a PM applauding them for rising above.

But agreed, there are some truly horrible people who use this website. They seem to be in a large minority.

It's usually the first handful of replies to a post, so that tells you the kind of person that does it.

Probably sat on their phone all day because they've got nothing going on in their life refreshing "new" over and over again and diving straight in to leave a nasty reply as soon as they see something new pop up.

Miserable, lonely, joyless people essentially, who literally have nothing better to do than be a cunt to strangers on the internet. Pity them and move on.

Miserable, lonely, joyless people essentially, who literally have nothing better to do than be a cunt to strangers on the internet. Pity them and move on.

Phrased far better than I could @VeridicalVagabond 👏👏👏

The first couple of responses often set the tone. If the first one or two are cunts others feel justified in follow suit. It's a shame because it's almost always unnecessary and nasty. Sick of reading shitty posts picking holes in the OP and trying to catch them out. Fuck off.

They are wired wrong simple as.

It happens to me too. Admittedly I do post a lot of nonsense musings, but I don't know why you can't ignore if you're not interested. The most "dangerous" seem to be ones about the prospect of a new relationship/asking anything about men.

I get told I'm over thinking or it's not worth a thread quite often, which I think is easy to say if you've got a DH to chat over minutiae with, but exactly what MN is for for the rest of us 😆

If I spot it I defend them

Why not Chat or the other sections, which are much gentler?

Not always