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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dealing with guilt.

49 replies

Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 16:48

Many years ago when I was super skint and a single parent to five children ( husband buggered off with another woman!), I did an awful thing.
I can’t live with the shame of what I did, I know you will be disgusted at my confession but I stole money from my own late mother.
She trusted me to do her banking and I repaid her by taking out extra money for feeding my kids.
I cannot tell you how much I hate myself. I have tried to make up for it over the years by giving to charity and helping out a family member but I still feel sick at myself.
I think that generally I am a nice person and can never understand why I sank so low. There are no excuses for what I did.
Do I deserve to forgive myself? I don’t think I do.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 16/10/2023 16:52

How much did you take?

Original poster
Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 16:53

I don’t remember exactly, probably around £50 but I shouldn’t have taken anything!

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 16:54

£50

was their any reason why you didn’t just ask her?

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 16:54

I repaid her by taking out extra money for feeding my kids.

well that was a bit daft

Original poster
Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 16:55

I really don’t know to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 16:55

Yes I know!

OP posts:
FairyMaclary · 16/10/2023 16:55

Why did you feel you couldn’t ask her to give you money to help feed the kids?

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 16/10/2023 16:55

Hardly crime of the century taking 50 quid to feed your 5 kids. Should you have asked? Sure. Did she go without because of it? If not then you say she has since died; give yourself a break.

mrsbyers · 16/10/2023 16:56

If you hadn’t taken it you would have inherited it anyway , forgive yourself your mum wouldn’t want you to be feeling like this all this time later

Gifgirl · 16/10/2023 16:57

You need to give yourself permission to move on from this. Forgive yourself.

You did something wrong but for the right reasons and there is no harm done.

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 16:57

Did she leave you anything?
do you have siblings?

she trusted you to do her banking but for some reason you couldn’t ask for £50 to feed her grandchildren. Odd

Azandme · 16/10/2023 16:58

What do you think your mum would say if you had told her after the fact?

My mum would've been pissed that I stole, but even more upset that I'd been so skint that I couldn't feed my kids, and really upset that I hadn't felt I could ask for help.

And she would absolutely have forgiven me. And you should forgive yourself.

freedomseeking · 16/10/2023 16:58

I am sure your late mother would want you to forgive yourself for the sake of you and your children. There is nothing to be gained from continuously punishing yourself.

I found ACT very helpful for dealing with thoughts like this - rather than trying to push them away, you acknowledge them, answer them (“I have decided not to punish myself any further for this”) and then choose not to take the thought any further. I can recommend “The Happiness Trap” as a good book on the subject.

Original poster
Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 16:59

She left the house to be sold and split between myself and sibling who has ASD and never moved out of the family home. She couldn’t afford to pay me 50% of the value so I let her pay me a lot less so that she could stay there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 17:00

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
etmoietmoietmoi · 16/10/2023 17:01

I think you need to be kinder to yourself OP. I bet your mum would say the same thing if she knew how you were torturing yourself over this and how you've also tried to atone for it.

madmumofteens · 16/10/2023 17:02

Oh OP forgive yourself you were desperate and desperate people do desperate things I'm sure your mum would understand it sounds like you've really tried very hard to redeem yourself let it go 💐

FadedRed · 16/10/2023 17:03

Please forgive yourself. Guilt is such a wasted emotion: either you can do something to change the issue or you can’t, so let it go. In the same circumstances there are few of us, especially parents, who wouldn’t do whatever we had to for our children, if push came to shove.
You’ve ‘paid it back’ over and over, now let it go. 💐

Original poster
Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 17:11

I just feel I need to confess, it’s no use telling the police as I doubt they would do anything but not telling anyone feels like I’m hiding it if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 17:20

Well you told us OP

so I would is put it to bed now

Original poster
Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 17:29

Thank you x

OP posts:
FadedRed · 16/10/2023 17:30

Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 17:11

I just feel I need to confess, it’s no use telling the police as I doubt they would do anything but not telling anyone feels like I’m hiding it if you see what I mean.

If you have any religious belief then talk to a minister, if not then a therapist (or even Samaritans).

FadedRed · 16/10/2023 17:31

Or as @Barrowgirl said, you’ve told us, so let it go.

Original poster
Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 17:32

Thank you. I am a ( non practicing) Christian but not sure how to approach a minister.

OP posts:
Worddance · 16/10/2023 17:32

What you do to feed your children comes into a different category. Forgive yourself.