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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dealing with guilt.

49 replies

Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 16:48

Many years ago when I was super skint and a single parent to five children ( husband buggered off with another woman!), I did an awful thing.
I can’t live with the shame of what I did, I know you will be disgusted at my confession but I stole money from my own late mother.
She trusted me to do her banking and I repaid her by taking out extra money for feeding my kids.
I cannot tell you how much I hate myself. I have tried to make up for it over the years by giving to charity and helping out a family member but I still feel sick at myself.
I think that generally I am a nice person and can never understand why I sank so low. There are no excuses for what I did.
Do I deserve to forgive myself? I don’t think I do.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 17:34

Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 17:32

Thank you. I am a ( non practicing) Christian but not sure how to approach a minister.

Don’t bother

you told us

now forget

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 16/10/2023 17:35

Weren't you able to ask her for help? I'd have been mortified to think that my kids were unable to ask me for help, but even more so if they later admitted that they stole from me. Don't own up now. Why not give her £50 now, "as a treat for being a lovely mum"?

Fionaville · 16/10/2023 17:37

Forgive yourself. I'm sure your mum would want you to. It was a bad thing to do, but it's not like you stole thousands from her to pay for a holiday.

Zanatdy · 16/10/2023 17:38

If your mother was looking down now and saw this don’t you think she would say, it’s ok. I understand why. Stop with the guilt

Original poster
Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 17:53

Sadly she died in 1999.

OP posts:
EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 16/10/2023 17:54

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 16/10/2023 17:35

Weren't you able to ask her for help? I'd have been mortified to think that my kids were unable to ask me for help, but even more so if they later admitted that they stole from me. Don't own up now. Why not give her £50 now, "as a treat for being a lovely mum"?

She said her late mother...

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 17:55

Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 17:53

Sadly she died in 1999.

Op something else is going on on your life now if you are twisting yourself up about this 25 years post event

Barrowgirl · 16/10/2023 17:56

Op I’ll take a punt you had a dreadful relationship with your mother?

Original poster
Nooneknows99 · 16/10/2023 18:06

Not terrible but she was emotionally cold and I never really felt loved. That’s no excuse though.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 08:28

bloomin heck

sounds like the definition of “terrible” to me

Original poster
Nooneknows99 · 17/10/2023 08:58

I don’t hold it against her. I think she had her own issues to be honest.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 09:05

she had her own issues which manifested itself as being emotionally cold towards and not making her child feel loved?

Good grief, totally alien to me. We all have our own issues but a good parent doesn’t make their child feel as you do about your mother.

op - therapy. A) for how you describe your mother and B) for fact that obviously something has triggered this focus on a somewhat innocuous events 25 years ago

Original poster
Nooneknows99 · 17/10/2023 09:39

Don’t misunderstand me, I loved her very much, especially when I was little, I adored her and never wanted to leave her side.
Yrs I am going through a very tough time with health issues which probably explains why I’m feeling so bad about things st the moment.

OP posts:
DovecoteComeback · 17/10/2023 09:51

If it makes you feel less guilty, I used to take money from my mother's purse or the phone money box (yes I'm old) on a semi regular basis. Just small amounts, but until I was old enough to get a weekend job I had no other way to afford sanitary products, anti perspirant etc. I don't feel guilty, my mother should have cared about these things but she didn't. Your mother must have known your predicament but she didn't think to offer help. Forgive yourself OP, it says more about your mother than it says about you.

Phleghm · 17/10/2023 09:56

Oh OP. I'm so sorry you've been feeling so guilty about this. FWIW, I think that if my children were in danger of going hungry, I'd do anything I could to feed them. Forgive yourself. X

poetryandwine · 17/10/2023 10:12

OP,

Everything PPs have said is true! Also, by letting your ASD sibling have your share of the house for what they could afford you did your sibling an enormous favour. I am sure it cost you much more than £50.

Your mum would not have wanted her grandchildren to go hungry, and she would be proud of how you helped your sibling. I, too, hope you can forgive yourself as I am sure your mum and your God have forgiven you.

Coldinscotland · 17/10/2023 10:27

You stole 50 quid to feed your dc.. People would do a lot worse to provide for their dc I feel op.

Why not save up £50 and spend it on food for the food bank? Then please forgive yourself..

Wakemeup17 · 17/10/2023 10:32

I agree with previous poster - something else is going on NOW to make you focus on stuff that happened 25 years ago. I think you need therapy.

Papoy · 17/10/2023 10:42

You only took £50 and i know it is not ethical and thats why you are feeling guilty. Just feeling this guilty shows how sad you are about it and shows you are a good person.

I am sure your mum knows how bad you feel about it and probably you are letting this guilt to ruin her memory of all the good times.

Go to her grave or just close your eyes and have a chat with her.... tell you are sorry and ask for forgiveness, she will send you a sign and you will know she forgave you ❤️

Dont let this eat you up.... we all do bad things in life that we are not proud off...

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 10:50

Nooneknows99 · 17/10/2023 09:39

Don’t misunderstand me, I loved her very much, especially when I was little, I adored her and never wanted to leave her side.
Yrs I am going through a very tough time with health issues which probably explains why I’m feeling so bad about things st the moment.

Yes you did

but she didn’t to you OP

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 10:50

Yrs I am going through a very tough time with health issues which probably explains why I’m feeling so bad about things st the moment.

no “probably” about it OP

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2023 11:11

Op, you were in a desperate situation and you did a bad thing in order to do a good thing.

You're a lovely person, op. It's time to stop hating yourself for this. Your mum would never want you to carry this guilt for the rest of your life.

followingthebreath · 17/10/2023 11:47

Oh my love, sounds like you need permission to let go of this. You have told us now and we've told you it's a good and healing thing to gently move on.

Maybe a ritual will help today, light a candle and blow it out or throw a stone into a lake and watch the ripples subside. Tell yourself it's time to move on, feel the feelings you need to feel and step away and close the door to the past. As you say you have some Christian background then perhaps you can also remind yourself that the heart of that message is Grace or forgiveness. The chance is there to move on from things we regret.

If none of this helps then perhaps exploring with the therapist why you have struggling to let go may be helpful x

Original poster
Nooneknows99 · 17/10/2023 11:55

Thank you all so much everyone, bless you all. X

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