Boy hitting in dd's class

[ShepherdMoons]

Youngest dd is 8 and in a mixed year 3/4 class. A new boy started in September and things went well as dd mentioned playing with him in the playground. His mum is also lovely and we get on well. She mentioned that he has autism and struggles with being frustrated and lashing out. This is something he has done in school on a few occasions with other children.

Last week he got very upset and kicked the dinner lady when she wouldn't let him sit in the place he wanted to at lunchtime. He has also been grabbing dd when she doesn't want to play with him and dragging her, he grabs her arm very tightly and she says it hurts. I've spoken to the school who say they are trying to keep an eye on it. I also spoke to his mum who says it's because he's not having his needs met at school as to why he's becoming frustrated and aggressive. Mum said at home he kicks, punches and scratches her then later is loving and will kiss and cuddle her to show he's sorry.

Dd said he is still grabbing her and pushing her at lunch. He is also getting angry with others at school but the school aren't dealing with it. I've spoken to his class teacher but I am thinking I need to talk to the head about it before dd gets more upset by it. AIBU?

I would take it further, unmet needs or not he can't physically attack other people! It's bad that he's hurting other children and the dinner lady!

I would raise absolute holy hell. Just because this boy has autism doesn't excuse your little girl getting assaulted every day at school. This could cause untold issues for your daughter's mental health and confidence. Totally unacceptable.

His issues are not your problem to feel sorry for. Your dd is being hurt and that should be your priority. I would be meeting the Head and whoever else to ensure this boy is being managed better. And I would tell your dd to not play with him and immediately tell teacher if he is hurting her.

To clarify, by "raising holy hell", I would obviously do this constructively and cordially, but I would not let this go, not for a minute, until the situation is rectified.

For goodness sake not another one of these threads.

It's not the kids fault. If he is struggling the teachers and school should be meeting his needs or he should be in a specialist school.

Obviously there are not enough places in special schools or parents aren't keen to place their kids in a school if the provision isn't right for their child where there is a place. It's just a mess.

It is wrong that staff and children have to experience this, but please don't blame the parents or the child. It is hard enough navigating the shitty, dysfunctional SEND system without threads like these. Autism is a developmental brain disorder and so many people expect them to just act and behave like other kids without any real adjustments.

Talk to the school and ask them what they are doing to safe guard your daughter
If shes getting hurt than they are failing in their duty of care

Being neurodivergent doesn't give him a free pass to injure others.

Teach her to defend herself. Words first then actions.

It may not be the child's fault but what does that matter to the child being hit or to the parent being upset that it's happened? You really expect them to say ok we can be punchbags ? No off course not. I would raise hell over this. He should be there if he is attacking people regardless of any issues!

His needs aren’t being met and everyone is suffering.

Keep complaining, you need to advocate for your daughter and there’s a chance that your complaints will also get more support for the boy.

If you are going to do this OP please get your facts right first and bear in mind this might lead to an exclusion of the child and a wait for another placement. This impacts the child and family greatly, emotionally and financially. The school needs to meet the child's needs and manage his behaviour, if they are doing their best, it is probably the LA not providing the right level of support or funding to meet the child's needs.

You definitely need to raise this, but you need to direct your concerns to the right place.

YANBU deal with this immediately and don’t give up until it’s sorted. This could have long lasting effects on your daughter.

They need to be doing their job and not leaving things to escalate to that point. They’re really failing they poor child and those he ends up hurting.

YANBU. It is completely unacceptable, SEN or not it is not acceptable to hurt other people, especially in a school. I would be meeting with the headteacher and would want to know the action plan and make it quite clear that I would take this further if my DD got hurt again.

If you are going to do this OP please get your facts right first and bear in mind this might lead to an exclusion of the child and a wait for another placement. This impacts the child and family greatly, emotionally and financially.

Nice to try and make the op feel guilty for doing her duty to protect her child when no one else is. If the boy gets excluded, so be it. It would be very unfortunate, but needs must. He cannot be allowed to terrorise other children.

Honestly all that is not the OPs problem. Her problem is that her dd is getting hurt which isn’t acceptable, no matter who has done it. There needs to be plans and consequences in place to make sure it never happens again. If exclusion is the only option to keep others safe then that is what has to happen, but hopefully there are other solutions to try first.

Read my post please, all of it. I said she needs to raise this with the right people. The LA grant the funding and decide what setting the child should be in much of the time. SEND support us massively underfunded and there aren't enough specialist places. The council will put pot holes and cosmetic issues in the town over funding the education for these children properly, but because they are a minority they don't care, they just leave these kids in schools they shouldn't be in which affects other children and pass the buck. Lots of kids have had to leave education entirely.

If you want to be helpful with issues like this complain to your councils and MPs about not prioritising the welfare of SEND children and those they are with in MS school. Is that not more likely to get a better result?

I wasn't trying to guilt trip the OP. I was trying to get her to respond rationally and compassionately to the situation as 'raising merry hell' leads to shit outcomes for the child and allows those responsible to get away with not doing what they should legally be doing.

If you want to be helpful with issues like this complain to your councils and MPs about not prioritising the welfare of SEND children and those they are with in MS school. Is that not more likely to get a better result?

Maybe in the long term, but that won’t help with OPs immediate problem. Headteacher is the right path to go down as a first port of call for this situation, mps can be contacted at a later time once her dd is safe.

The op needs immediate action, she does not have the luxury of forging a political movement in the hopes that maybe, years down the road, the council will provide proper funding. This abuse has to be stopped right now.

Yes but my point is so many schools don't do as they are supposed to and neither do the LAs. Its a dysfunctional system. My son, who isn't aggressive by the way, is very inappropriately placed in a mainstream. We applied for an EHCP which is at nearly week 40 (the entire process should last 20 weeks max) and we are not even fully through the process of getting funding in place. We are not likely to get him in a special school this year and may even be longer, but he desperately needs a place. He is severely behind in his development, probable ID too, but COVID and general underfunding and dysfunction has meant it has taken very long to get diagnosed and even get to this point. I just want people to understand this. If my son got excluded we would be homeless as we both need to work. It's also illegal to do this if the school haven't made the correct adjustments.

So no, don't raise 'merry hell' - on the other side of this is a child that is equally distressed. The school need to safeguard other children and the LA need to provide the support to make this happen or place the child in an appropriate school. As you can see from my experience it isn't that straight forward.

I do understand that l, however again it’s not the OPs problem in this situation. If it were my dd getting hurt I would be raising everything I could to make sure it stopped and she didn’t get hurt again. Ideally that wouldn’t include exclusion however my priority would be my dd, not the child hurting my dd.

I've asked to have a meeting with the Headteacher tomorrow. It's very sad for the boy but he is often out of control and doesn't take 'no' for an answer. Dd is scared of going to school because she is worried he will grab her. She's shouted when he grabs her but the teachers on duty just speak to him for a few minutes then when his back is turned he's doing it again.

The school have now got a unit on their site for children with behaviour problems so it is likely more children will come to the school soon with behaviour problems. This isn't something parents have any control over unfortunately.

I haven't said don't speak to the school. I have said don't go in raising 'merry hell' as one poster puts it as it could lead to a bad outcome.

I've explained my reasons why it is a bad idea and tried to put a bit of light on the situation with the struggles parents and schools have with trying to access the correct support. I think too few people understand this. So many people are quick to blame schools and parents, when it is the local authorities not getting support in place in a timely manner, not having enough specialist schools or just generally kicking the can down the road as much as possible. They get away with it because many people similar to the posters on here would just rather the blame the wrong people than ask why local authorities are not doing their job, or even our government.

Well done OP - it’s a very difficult situation and this child deserves help and support. Your priority is rightly your own daughters safety and well-being, she doesn’t deserve be assaulted by a boy daily at school. Addressing with the head teacher is the right next step.

Dd's class teacher said the school don't have enough welfare staff at lunch time, they are trying to rectify this but I think the school is quite under resourced all round at the moment.