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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boy hitting in dd's class

31 replies

ShepherdMoons · 16/10/2023 16:06

Youngest dd is 8 and in a mixed year 3/4 class. A new boy started in September and things went well as dd mentioned playing with him in the playground. His mum is also lovely and we get on well. She mentioned that he has autism and struggles with being frustrated and lashing out. This is something he has done in school on a few occasions with other children.

Last week he got very upset and kicked the dinner lady when she wouldn't let him sit in the place he wanted to at lunchtime. He has also been grabbing dd when she doesn't want to play with him and dragging her, he grabs her arm very tightly and she says it hurts. I've spoken to the school who say they are trying to keep an eye on it. I also spoke to his mum who says it's because he's not having his needs met at school as to why he's becoming frustrated and aggressive. Mum said at home he kicks, punches and scratches her then later is loving and will kiss and cuddle her to show he's sorry.

Dd said he is still grabbing her and pushing her at lunch. He is also getting angry with others at school but the school aren't dealing with it. I've spoken to his class teacher but I am thinking I need to talk to the head about it before dd gets more upset by it. AIBU?

OP posts:

PeggyPiglet · 16/10/2023 17:28

ShepherdMoons · 16/10/2023 17:20

Dd's class teacher said the school don't have enough welfare staff at lunch time, they are trying to rectify this but I think the school is quite under resourced all round at the moment.

As are all schools currently.
It's a shit show.

I'm a teacher and there are many children in our school who need more support, but we don't have the money to give them it.

I'd still be kicking off though.

Pollyputhekettleon · 16/10/2023 17:32

ShepherdMoons · 16/10/2023 17:20

Dd's class teacher said the school don't have enough welfare staff at lunch time, they are trying to rectify this but I think the school is quite under resourced all round at the moment.

Don't let the head fob you off with that. It's not your DD's problem. She has a right to be safe from violence at school, end of story.

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 16/10/2023 17:38

The class teacher said they were under resourced but I'll see what the head says tomorrow. It's getting dangerous as kicking the dinner lady, hurting dd and other children is bad and it is escalating.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 16/10/2023 17:45

Everythinghasgonetoshit · 16/10/2023 16:35

Read my post please, all of it. I said she needs to raise this with the right people. The LA grant the funding and decide what setting the child should be in much of the time. SEND support us massively underfunded and there aren't enough specialist places. The council will put pot holes and cosmetic issues in the town over funding the education for these children properly, but because they are a minority they don't care, they just leave these kids in schools they shouldn't be in which affects other children and pass the buck. Lots of kids have had to leave education entirely.

If you want to be helpful with issues like this complain to your councils and MPs about not prioritising the welfare of SEND children and those they are with in MS school. Is that not more likely to get a better result?

I wasn't trying to guilt trip the OP. I was trying to get her to respond rationally and compassionately to the situation as 'raising merry hell' leads to shit outcomes for the child and allows those responsible to get away with not doing what they should legally be doing.

Edited

Show quote history

Complaining to some pen pusher in the LA or to the MP is not the right avenue of complaint.

The correct way is to lodge a formal, written complaint with the school and request it be signed off by the HT, with both parties keeping a copy. The OP should request in writing an outline of the steps the school intends to take to deal with this and the time frame envisaged. A paper trail is necessary.

Presumably the assault on the lunchroom employee was logged?

If the school won't make a plan of action, then the complaint should be forwarded to the board of governors.

Original poster

ShepherdMoons · 16/10/2023 18:01

The school has a very good reputation locally so I would be disappointed if the head isn't supportive tomorrow. The unit on site is for children who can't find a place in a specialist school.The children are in lessons though and are supposed to have support staff with them but there aren't enough support staff in place.

OP posts:

Everythinghasgonetoshit · 16/10/2023 18:03

ShepherdMoons · 16/10/2023 17:03

I've asked to have a meeting with the Headteacher tomorrow. It's very sad for the boy but he is often out of control and doesn't take 'no' for an answer. Dd is scared of going to school because she is worried he will grab her. She's shouted when he grabs her but the teachers on duty just speak to him for a few minutes then when his back is turned he's doing it again.

It sounds like he needs 1 to 1 provision or a behavioural support plan. Good luck with the head teacher, hopefully they will listen to your concerns and put support in place. Hope your DD is OK and can feel safe at school.

I wonder if the mother has applied for an Education, Health and Care plan? That might be the next step if the boy doesn't have one. Sometimes schools are reluctant to tell parents about them for some reason. If he does have one in place it might need revisiting and his needs reassessed if that's possible.

I did use to be one of those mothers that didn't understand when my first NT son was in a class with a ND boy who was struggling. I knew his behaviour was affecting my son's Education and I wasn't happy, although i didn't complain. One day I came to pick my son up and saw this kid running around the playground looking really distressed trying to be comforted by teachers and his mum. I felt so sad for the boy then. I realised I was being an utter cow bag about it! I felt sorry for the mum too, she was dealing with all this with a baby. My NT son has had other issues with ND kids too being aggressive but the school are very good at sorting the issues out.

Now I'm in a similar (although not identical) position as my son is disruptive but isn't having meltdowns or aggressive. He just tries to escape and vocally stims loudly. The school have been good so far, but he is hopefully going to specialist eventually. I don't like feeling like my son is disrupting other children, but MS school is the only option we have right now.

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