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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Maternity Leave Companion

33 replies

Greydiamond · 16/10/2023 13:00

More of a WWYD.

During my last maternity leave, I spent some time with another Mum (let's say Delilah) at a baby group.

Delilah was a nice person, but we didn't have much in common. Since returning to work, haven't had any contact with Delilah.

Roll on two years, our children are now at nursery together. We are both, coincidentally, on mat leave again.

Delilah has asked to meet up on days when kids are at nursery.

I'm so torn. Delilah is nice, but that's it. We spent time together because our babies were close in age and we went to the same group. Conversation was always quite stilted and I am not excited to spend time with them.

I know this makes me a horrible person! I'm well aware of it and my partner has said that I'm being unkind.

I feel I'm at a stage in my life where within reason, I shouldn't do things if I don't want to do them. Equally, I know motherhood can be hard, and I don't want anyone to feel lonely or isolated.

I would prefer not to start a relationship again with Delilah. She has invited me for lunch next week. I have said yes. I don't want to be unkind. But equally, I'm not overly looking forward to it.

What would you do? I have about 10 months left on maternity leave and I want to spend them doing things I want to do.

I know I'll likely get some mean comments but equally, is it so bad to put myself first when I'm also sleep deprived and tired?

What would you do?

YANBU - You shouldn't feel like you have to socialise.
YABU - You're being mean, be friends with them.

OP posts:

Worddance · 16/10/2023 13:03

I'd be willing to do coffee every six weeks or so. Life is hard for a lot of people.

Cowlover89 · 16/10/2023 13:05

You're not being unkind. If you don't feel a connection with her you can't force it. X

SisterMichaelsHabit · 16/10/2023 13:06

True character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you.

ThreeRingCircus · 16/10/2023 13:14

Worddance · 16/10/2023 13:03

I'd be willing to do coffee every six weeks or so. Life is hard for a lot of people.

These are my thoughts as well.

I had a very similar situation with a mum I'll call Rachel. She was perfectly nice but we had nothing in common and I found her quite intense when we were chatting. She was struggling though and said she felt lonely.... I think a lot of mums can feel like that so I thought fair play to her for saying it out loud.

We ended up having a coffee together about once a month, always at a café so I could make my excuses after an hour or so. Pretty soon it was time to return to work and I haven't seen Rachel socially since. Looking back it wasn't really a hardship for me and may have made a difference to her so I'm glad I did it.

I wouldn't be best friends with her, but if she's a decent person I'd be friendly. We've become quite selfish as a society (no judgement, I'm the same) but I think sometimes it's good to do something nice for another person.

ASCCM · 16/10/2023 13:16

Just say no thanks. Honestly, you’re a grown up, you can make your own choices over who you see and what you do!

NerrSnerr · 16/10/2023 13:19

I think I would meet up maybe for coffee once a week or go to a toddler group the same time as her. It can be an awfully lonely time for some on maternity leave and unless I actively disliked someone I think I'd try and find some time.

Sugargliderwombat · 16/10/2023 13:27

I agree try and meet on the odd occasion for things that are mutually beneficial, a group where you can meet more people or if you sign up for a class you could invite her along.

Maybe just don't do lunch as that's very much a sit down and chat scenario.

BreatheAndFocus · 16/10/2023 13:28

It sounds like you don’t really get on with her. Think of it this way: if you do go out with her through your Mat Leave, you’re robbing her of the chance to form friendships with people she actually gels with.

So, meet her for lunch but don’t be drawn into frequent meet-ups. Have excuses ready, and maybe only meet up with her very occasionally.

PosteriorPosterity · 16/10/2023 13:32

SisterMichaelsHabit · 16/10/2023 13:06

True character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you.

Well yes, but OP is suggesting that she wants to be polite and kind but with boundaries and stresses how much she cares about not upsetting Delilah. There are many people in the world who “can do nothing for you”, and I think you’re just supposed to treat them kindly and respectfully, not go out of your way to spend time with them to your own detriment.

Original poster

Greydiamond · 16/10/2023 13:32

SisterMichaelsHabit · 16/10/2023 13:06

True character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you.

Thank you for your input.
I can see what you're saying, I hope my torn-thinking goes some what to explaining my character.

However, self-care is also important.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greydiamond · 16/10/2023 13:34

NerrSnerr · 16/10/2023 13:19

Thank you for your input. I feel once a week is perhaps too much. I struggle to maintain meet ups with close friends weekly and would (in the nicest way possible) maintain those friendships first.

However, doing it at a group is a good idea. If I ever have to flake out, I know Delilah would still have company.

OP posts:

GreyDuck · 16/10/2023 13:34

I can completely see that one to one lunches/coffees etc might be a bit much if you aren't close. I'd try to be friendly though as it seems she's not a bad person, and I've been lonely myself. Is there a group or activity that you enjoy that you can invite Delilah to as well? She might meet someone else there.

Original poster

Greydiamond · 16/10/2023 13:36

@ThreeRingCircus

Thank you for your understanding. I suppose to some degree, we have become selfish. I almost think in motherhood, we have to be selfish to survive. We give literally everything to our children and we have to draw the line somewhere to save a little bit for ourselves too.

Your response though is along the lines I was thinking.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greydiamond · 16/10/2023 13:36

GreyDuck · 16/10/2023 13:34

Yes, I think catching up at a group seems to be the best recurring idea. Thank you.

OP posts:

Zooeyzo · 16/10/2023 13:36

Just go. Maternity leave is boring and you should try to get out of the house as much as you can. Your baby is portable enjoy while you can.

TheGoogleMum · 16/10/2023 13:38

Yes start going to a group together that way you aren't the only person she could talk to and she'll meet more mums.
I'm on my 2nd mat leave and feeling a bit antisocial because I'm not bothered about meeting mum friends this time. It was nice last time but it did fizzle out for the most part when we all went back to work and I'm not finding it as hard to be home with my baby this time

Original poster

Greydiamond · 16/10/2023 13:38

ASCCM · 16/10/2023 13:16

Just say no thanks. Honestly, you’re a grown up, you can make your own choices over who you see and what you do!

This is true, but also feels so brutal which is definitely not a me-kind-of thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greydiamond · 16/10/2023 13:39

@TheGoogleMum

Yes, this! Something a bit different second time around isn't there? I think also, because you have another child, it's nice to have the peace and quiet and rest when you can have it. I personally do anyway.

OP posts:

TheGoogleMum · 16/10/2023 13:41

@Greydiamond yes my oldest has started school so the house is quiet and peaceful sometimes for a change! I think I struggled with the adjustment to parenthood a bit and wanted companions in the same boat. Now I don't feel like I need mum friends so much as it isn't all new and scary in the same way

Original poster

Greydiamond · 16/10/2023 13:43

Thanks @Zooeyzo. You're right about getting out, my little boy is definitely portable..but I guess I have other people I'd much rather 'get out' with who are friends because of similar interests and not just acquaintances because of similar aged children.

It's hard though when you see a parent at pick up and drop off most days to avoid them. It's navigating that which is my challenge.

OP posts:

SparkyBlue · 16/10/2023 13:53

OP I'd agree to go to the lunch and then I'd avoid getting into a weekly thing and go for coffee every two or three weeks or whatever. Also I'd try suggesting meeting at toddler groups or buggy boot camp or whatever class that you might go to. I wouldn't blow off the relationship because her child could end up in school with yours and you don't want to cause ill feelings and also as others said she might be lonely also it's still autumn and it could be a long miserable winter so you might be glad of a friend also on maternity leave. However in saying all of that I totally understand and while I found myself very lonely on my first maternity leave I loved loved loved my second maternity leave and I think it helped that I was already busy with DC1 so I enjoyed the quiet alone time with the new baby and I didn't need to get out and about as much. By maternity leave number 3 I was running off from baby yoga to preschool collection without even staying for the coffee and chat whereas with DC1 it was the coffee and chat I went for.

AmazingSnakeHead · 16/10/2023 13:57

I'd be heartbroken to learn that people who I like spending time with think this of me. I'd way rather they end the friendship so that I could move on and find people to spend time with who actually like me.

In your situation I'd join a group and invite her along. That way you see her once a week, at something you want to do anyway.

Sconehenge · 16/10/2023 13:57

I think say yes to this lunch then next time a lunch is suggested say that you can’t make that but would she like to come to <insert group activity> with you instead. A monthly lunch is more than I see some of my close friends but I think meeting for something like a coffee at a playground once a month/a walk or exercise class, so you’re doing something you need to do anyway and combining that with socialising and some company on the thing, rather than the sole focus being the stilted convo. And once a month is plenty!

GotMooMilk · 16/10/2023 14:11

I'd do as others say and find a group or library story time or similar to meet at. If actually she's more fun than you remember that can turn into lunch/coffee/walk after, if its still stilted you can make a nap excuse and escape home.

It is hard- I found having to make small talk with people I'd never usually socialize with hard work on mat leave especially when sleep deprived but it did also make me meet a variety of people and make some different friends which can only be a good thing! I daresay I was pretty poor company on some of those days when I'd been up 10 x the night before!

mindutopia · 16/10/2023 14:19

Do you want to meet up with her? If you're bored and looking for something to do, I'd go. If not, then don't.

I had friends from my NCT class that I saw regularly when we were on mat leave. 2-3 of them I continued to spend time with periodically after we went back to work, the others we only vaguely followed each other on social media.

My eldest is 10 now. I'm still friends with 2 of them though we only see each other maybe once a year now as we've moved. The others I don't really keep in touch with. We don't have anything in common, though they are perfectly okay people. If I was off work and we lived nearby and one of them asked if I wanted to meet for a coffee, I probably would if I was bored and looking for something to do. If I didn't like them and had no interest in meeting up, I wouldn't.

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