For wanting to sleep separately

[HoneycrispApple]

My DH and I have been together for 9 years. We love each other so much. We are very affectionate.

I just prefer to sleep by myself. I always have. I struggle if I have to sleep with ANYONE (not just him). Been on a few hen parties when I was younger where we had to share beds etc and it was hell, I just didn’t sleep.

for the last year or so, I’ve been going through anxiety and have been sleeping on my own a lot of the time. I like to fall asleep with the tv on a timer and a light on. It makes me feel safe - it also takes me a long time to fall asleep with the racing thoughts. DH needs complete darkness and falls asleep in 5 mins, but sleeps really lightly. So anytime I move I can ‘feel’ him stir. Unless I go to bed and sleep before him, I find it really hard to sleep together.

So my question is - am I horrible and selfish? Should I be trying harder and is eveyone like this but I am just taking the easy route?

there also seems to be a bit of a stigma around sleeping alone. But for us it seems to work - dh misses me if he wakes up in the night sometimes. But that rarely happens.

It’s not selfish but it is a difficult one. You move on past the entwined stage and into your own spaces but yes it’s not the same. At the moment I’m sick and sleeping in a different bed the last few nights and while I get to spread all over the bed, I really miss him!

Hope you feel better soon!

see this is what worries me - I don’t miss him. I know he’s literally in the next room and I’ll see him in the morning, and we will have a kiss and a cuddle.

is something wrong with me/my relationship?!

There is nothing wrong with your relationship! If it works for you both why are you even questioning it?
Have you tried melatonin? It really helps me get off to sleep and I'm now trying slow release melatonin to help me stay asleep longer (ironically I'm awake because DH snorted in my ear)

I LOVE sleeping by myself!! And I love my DH!

I do miss the idea of sleeping with him and try sometimes, but being awake all night cures me very quickly.

He fidgets, snores and sleeps on the couch for ages before coming to bed and was waking me up, so it works better for us this way.

Thanks op x and no nothing wrong with your relationship, as you said you know you’ll see him in the morning. Everyone’s different and we all probably sleep totally different too!

DH and I sleep separately. I have a lot of sleep issues, sounds very similar to you OP takes me ages to get to sleep and I'm a super light sleeper. DH falls asleep quickly and snores, twitches, flaps, breathes loudly etc. I just don't sleep well in a bed with him. I hate even sharing rooms with people.
People do seem to think it's an issue. I don't see why, when we want to be intimate we still have a big bed to do so in!

We sleep separately, still intimate when possible with small child. I got sick of disturbed nights from him snoring and sweating when I had my last baby. We are both fine with it and marriage is fine.
It never used to be usual for couples to share a bed.

DP and I sleep separately, been together 12 years, about to have DC2. He snores, I'm a light sleeper and easily stir like your DH. No one gets sleep if we share a bed so its a no brainer. It has absolutely no effect on our relationship. To add to that I go to bed 2-3 hours before him so I'm asleep anyway when he goes to bed. If it works it works don't feel weird about it.

Why on earth would you bu? If it means you sleep better then just go for it. Sleep is too precious to compromise on.

Nothing wrong with you or relationship. Everyone is different so some people like sharing bed, some don't.
Separate bedrooms are way more common than many people think.
My DH and I love each other massively. Mainly because we get good sleep!
Not really compatible sleepers we are..

Have you tried weighted blanket? It masaively help me sleep because I rroll and my mind races to 700 places normally. The weighted blanket is an absolute bliss.

Quality of sleep is too important to your health and well-being to worry about what people think, in my opinion.

Sleep is crucial for your health and wellbeing.

Lack of sleep is used as a torture method…

Have you tried two single quilts? Game changer here. I can move around and not worry about disturbing him, we can have different warmth of quilts. Works for us.

We have a spare room as DD us in uni and mist nights its got either DH or myself in it.

im 49, menopausal, difficulty sleeping (been awake since 3am) so why inflict that on DH? Doesn’t mean i love him any less by sleeping apart. That is bollocks

I prioritise my sleep. I am an extremely light sleeper. I have a very loud fan on over night for white noise that means I cannot hear my son chatting or getting food. But sometimes i still sleep badly.

when that happens my husband sleeps in the spare room for me. So I can sleep all night. I keep the door closed and the cat out. Lack of sleep used to ruin me. But since I took control things have got alot better.

We've slept in different rooms for the past few years and it's really much better.

If it works for you both, then there is no problem.

We have a double bed each, absolute bliss

I'm convinced sleeping separately can save relationships. Snoring would drive me nuts, for example.

YANBU. There is no rule that two people in a relationship, even if they are married, have to share a bed, a room or even a home!

DH and I go to bed in the same room but at some point he will decamp into the other room. We both snore - him more than me. I usually wake up alone but I don’t mind at all.

Being happy sleeping in a separate room to allow the other to sleep better could be viewed as a sign of a strong marriage, not the opposite. Why needlessly disturb each other for some sort of performative validation, even if you slept well in the same bed - you'd be asleep for the entire duration and not even be aware of it. Life is too short to spend it tired and in a suboptimal sleeping arrangement.

Why not go the whole hog and eat dinner off the same plate every night because it is romantic?

DH and I have been happily married for 28 years and slept separately for the last 15 or so.
That is why we are still married.
He has terrible sleep patterns - takes at least an hour to drop off and wakes at the drop of a hat. Me breathing is apparently a problem!

No stigma about sleeping separately in my house, or those of my friends. Do what works for you both.

Have you tried doing anything about the anxiety? Therapy, hypnosis, spoken to gps etc?

I totally get this!

I've been married 25 years. I'm a terrible sleeper and much prefer sleeping by myself. At this point in time most of the time I start out in our bed and move to the lounge after a few hours. But sometimes I think it would be easier if I just had a separate bed. When DH is away for work I feel so much less tired!