For wanting to sleep separately

[HoneycrispApple]

My DH and I have been together for 9 years. We love each other so much. We are very affectionate.

I just prefer to sleep by myself. I always have. I struggle if I have to sleep with ANYONE (not just him). Been on a few hen parties when I was younger where we had to share beds etc and it was hell, I just didn’t sleep.

for the last year or so, I’ve been going through anxiety and have been sleeping on my own a lot of the time. I like to fall asleep with the tv on a timer and a light on. It makes me feel safe - it also takes me a long time to fall asleep with the racing thoughts. DH needs complete darkness and falls asleep in 5 mins, but sleeps really lightly. So anytime I move I can ‘feel’ him stir. Unless I go to bed and sleep before him, I find it really hard to sleep together.

So my question is - am I horrible and selfish? Should I be trying harder and is eveyone like this but I am just taking the easy route?

there also seems to be a bit of a stigma around sleeping alone. But for us it seems to work - dh misses me if he wakes up in the night sometimes. But that rarely happens.

We have slept separately for 15yrs now or thereabout. Still in love & married. In fact, think we would have divorced if we had forced ourselves to sleep in the same bed/bedroom as there were nights I had thought about putting a pillow over his face as DH is a snorer and leg twitcher. Id poke him to roll over and he got really frustrated and then could not sleep for fear of snoring and being poked. I’m not a good joint sleeper either because I get nightmares/flashbacks and have kicked and punched DH while asleep too- I cannot be cuddled when asleep or half awake.

There is nothing wrong with preferring to be a lone sleeper. The frustrating thing is finding a home that doesn’t have the big giant master bed with teeny tiny other beds. In one house we actually converted a dining room to a bedroom so we could each have a double bedroom.

My DH and have had separate beds for years it suits us both, i like to read in bed and he likes to go straight to sleep. We both snore, he's a figiter and a bed hogger. Don't feel guilty you can still have a cuddle and be intimate and then just go to your own beds perfect 😀

My husband is the most annoying person to sleep next to. My daughter is the second most annoying. He snores, has sleep apnoea, jerks his whole body, practically vibrates, waves his leg in the air and generally just drives me insane.

I struggle to get to sleep, to stay asleep and have that thing where I get really triggered and angry by certain noises. Snoring is one of them. Can’t stand it, it gives me rage.

We have a superking bed but I still feel every movement. I have a sleep mask and loud white noise, which helps with the snoring but I swear it’s damaging my hair!

We also have the additional problem of an autistic daughter with nighttime anxiety that ends up in between us most nights. She kicks me and puts her freezing feet on my back 😭

Is it any wonder then that my lovely husband gets kicked out the bed?! We actually both prefer sleeping alone. Always have. We’ve never snuggled to sleep in bed, ever. We don’t sleep separately every night but he does me treats and goes in the spare room. I always have clean bedding on and put a little lamp on so it’s cosy and tempts him in there 🤣

You can still have sex so really, what’s the issue? Good sleep is so important.

I much prefer sleeping alone. Double beds are the worst invention ever 😉 My OH has contracted man flu and he has declared he is sleeping in the spare bedroom tonight yahooooo!!! I'm so looking forward to it 🤣

DH and I are not compatible sleepers, therefore do not share a bed. Most couples I know who have the space sleep separately. It’s not as uncommon as you might think.

Been married for 33 years, been together 38. Have slept in separate rooms for 25 of those years, since I was pregnant with DC2. Went on to have DC3 too!

A friend exclaimed horror. I told her that he 'escapes' sometimes...

My grandparents had two double beds in the main bedroom like in a hotel. Claimed it was why their (in the end) 65 year long marriage had lasted so long.

Pre-1960s it was relatively common for married couples to have separate beds in the same room or separate bedrooms altogether. The guy who runs the Sleep Clinic, the institute that researches sleep disorders, has said he owes his happy marriage to separate bedrooms. I’ve also seen articles suggesting most adults sharing a standard-sized double bed have less personal space than a child in a single bed - so no wonder it’s so bloody difficult to sleep!

DH and I have been through ever-increasing mattress sizes, separate duvets and every single snoring remedy known to man. The only thing that works for both of us (much as he hates it, being totally honest) is separate bedrooms. We’ve both become more wakeful as we’ve aged, we both get up to the loo at different times in the night, he snores like a drain, I had a hideous night-sweaty insomniac peri-menopause, he tosses and turns and I don’t, I like to read in bed & he doesn’t - the list goes on. We still shag, we’re still affectionate, we just sleep separately most of the time.

Disrupted sleep has been shown to be as bad for you as smoking. In the end it’s far better for your mental health, physical wellbeing and the happiness of your relationship if you can both get a good night’s sleep. If you feel it’s best for you to sleep alone don’t beat yourself up about it - it’s much more common than you think.

I bloody love sleeping separately and I’m far nicer to DP when I get the opportunity to do so, because I’ve slept well and not been tortured all night by his snoring and thrashing. Unfortunately we don’t have a spare room but occasionally he goes away for work overnight and it’s bloody lovely. Looking forward to the DC leaving home then I’m nicking one of their rooms.

I don’t do well falling asleep with anyone else there but am fine once settled. For this reason, 99% of the time I go up to bed alone and am fast asleep before my partner comes up.
I’d happily have separate beds but we don’t have a spare room. I have been known to take myself to the sofa in the middle of the night if I can’t get back to sleep. He’s never thought there was an issue, just that I’m a fussy sleeper 😂

I also have struggled with sleep for many years. My partner and I share a bed but we have two single duvets rather than one double and it helps so much! We also sometimes (actually quite frequently...🙈🤣) do "top and tail" (where one of us sleeps at the other end of the bed 🤣) when I'm really struggling to sleep and need space. I find I sleep better with a light 4.5 tog duvet. I used to feel shame about the way we sleep but now I really don't care. My poor sleep was affecting him (accidentally waking him up by my tossing and turning) so we are both better off this way. I definitely feel that I worry less about waking him up because I have my own duvet.

We have a double bed, I am hopeful that in future if we can get a king bed maybe things will change, but if it doesn't that's ok.