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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think I do enough as a mum?

74 replies

Needaweekspabreak · 15/10/2023 20:45

I work full time from home and I mainly do all cooking, cook from fresh do breakfast in the morning and get kids ready for school.

DH works part time 15 hours does all school runs and is the main carer for 1 year old dc during the day.

I do still help out with dc in the day if not too busy with work.

DH will wash the clothes and put them away and is the main tidy upper should I say. I will mop floors and do bathrooms and change bedding.

DH feels I’m not doing enough and wants me to help him out more with cleaning and washing. I just find once I log off work at 5 and start dinner I’m absolutely knackered and 3 evenings a week when DH goes to work I’m with all 3 kids.

DH has 2-3 hours in the day where DS is napping he could achieve so much but he usually goes for a nap. Which I’m not against as DS is draining.

DH takes DS football training on Thursday and Sundays too for an hour.

Should I be helping out more?

OP posts:
newandconfused5 · 15/10/2023 20:54

Personally I think that sounds like you are doing a fair amount.

Especially as you are getting children ready in the morning and cooking dinner every night.

HarperMae · 15/10/2023 21:02

No that sounds fair

SarahAndQuack · 15/10/2023 21:04

No, sounds ok to me. I guess when your LO drops naps it might feel a bit different, but then, if you're lucky, dropping the nap will mean better sleep at night.

NewName122 · 15/10/2023 21:31

If he is only doing 15 hours a week then no yanbu at all. Surprised you do all the cooking.

gemloving · 15/10/2023 21:33

I actually think you do enough but has he specified what exactly he wants help with and what's too much for him?

Summer2424 · 15/10/2023 21:41

Hi @Needaweekspabreak
I cooked 2 dishes from fresh today, i was on my feet for hours. It's not easy working full time and doing everything you're doing. You are definitely doing enough.

Screamingabdabz · 15/10/2023 21:46

Sounds fair to me. Cooking from scratch and delivering meals twice a day is a ball ache in itself.

Imenti · 15/10/2023 21:55

I think you're doing too much!! On the days I WFH it's my responsibility to get the kids out the door, opposite for the days my DH WFH. I work 5 hours less (across 4 days) and do all the washing, we share cooking and have a cleaner. If you're WFH everyday and he works 15 hours a week in the eves then I think he should be getting the kids out the door every morning and doing more cooking!

Think of it like - if you're working 50% more than him, is he doing the same amount around the house? Totally get looking after a child is hard work (just finished mat leave with my second) but being at home does also come with more chores IMO. When I was on mat leave, I did a lot more at home - the work needs to balance out both ways.

Mummy08m · 15/10/2023 21:58

Yanbu - if he isn't enjoying the current situation he needs to increase his working hours. Working only 2days pw is basically almost a SAHP. You do quite a lot of housework for someone who works full time alongside an almost SAHP

Divebar2021 · 15/10/2023 21:58

Does the baby wake in the night ? Why is DH napping every day?

KnowledgeableMomma · 15/10/2023 22:00

I also think it sounds as if you are doing your share. That said, if DH is saying he needs help and being specific about what items/chores are a struggle, and you also cannot help with this, can you outsource them? Can you hire a laundry service once a week? Can a housekeeper come once a week/month? Is taking DS to nursery one day a week or getting a babysitter for a few hours an option? I realize that a lot of this is finances dependent but it sounds as if you are both being open with communication and can find a way to help each other out.

Comedycook · 15/10/2023 22:01

I think that division of labour sounds reasonable

Fallenangelofthenorth · 15/10/2023 22:05

Surprised at all the people saying it sounds fair tbh.

I think you're doing way too much. What is Dad doing in terms of activities etc with your child? Because on the face of it it seems he's doing very little, unless you're gonna turn around and say Dad takes him swimming, to groups, etc and is out of the house 3-4 hours per day.

When does your husband do his 15 hours work? Because that would influence my opinion.

Broodywuz · 15/10/2023 22:06

I would say you definitely do your fair share. I know kids are tiring but I haven't napped during the day since they were newborn apart from the odd occasion of bugs or particularly bad nights. I would achieve a lot with 2/3 child free hours during the day!
On the other hand it is hard going being with a toddler all day, I often (secretly) resent my dh for going off to work while I have the kids to deal with all day even though I know he pulls his weight.

geoger · 15/10/2023 22:11

I think you do more than enough.
Your DH works 15 hours a week and has nap each day……he’s living the life of Riley whilst trying to guilt trip you into doing more the CF!

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/10/2023 22:14

I think you do more than enough. I don't think you should be cooking every night, that doesn't seem fair.

LeefsPrings · 15/10/2023 22:15

So you do the breakfasts, get the kids ready for school, work all day, cook dinner, and then 3 evenings a week have the kids and do bedtime as well?

Seems to me that Monday to Friday the only time you have available to do anything is two evenings. Whereas he has all day every day at home with dc (which is tiring but most people can easily look after one kid and do housework as well), and has the two evenings he's not working as well.

You're doing enough, IMO.

PercyPigInAWig · 15/10/2023 22:17

Fallenangelofthenorth · 15/10/2023 22:05

Surprised at all the people saying it sounds fair tbh.

I think you're doing way too much. What is Dad doing in terms of activities etc with your child? Because on the face of it it seems he's doing very little, unless you're gonna turn around and say Dad takes him swimming, to groups, etc and is out of the house 3-4 hours per day.

When does your husband do his 15 hours work? Because that would influence my opinion.

This tbh, I don’t know how you can be expected to do more, it sounds like you are worse off than DH. If DC is napping surely DH could be doing something. I never sat on my arse when DC napped (maybe I should have once a week as I was very sleep-deprived).

Is this going to be a reverse?

KimberleySakamoto · 15/10/2023 22:17

Hard to say. In the case of a family where the woman is a SAHM/works pt and the man works ft, the MN collective thinks he should come home and immediately start cooking and looking after the children, because the SAHM's job ends when her partner comes home. So by that reckoning, you ought to be working ft, then doing everything else in the evening too.

Personally, I think the person who is the SAHP (or as good as) ought to be doing the lion's share of domestic stuff.

I suspect a lot of women wouldn't want to hand over all the childcare and domestic jobs to their male partner, though. I certainly wouldn't have done.

Original poster
Needaweekspabreak · 15/10/2023 22:17

He doesn’t nap everyday but most days he will have an hours nap or come and talk to me in my office.

I will add I probably do my cleaning once a week bathrooms mopping and changing beds. DH will tidy up the rooms and run the hoover round daily.

I personally think I do enough but he wants me to do more daily cleaning.

OP posts:
Circumferences · 15/10/2023 22:18

Why does he need to nap during the day? Who is getting up at night to settle the 1yo? Unless you're so lucky your DS is sleeping through.

If you're getting up in the night, I'd say it's unfair for your DH to take a day nap. If he's getting up in the night fair play, I'd let him have his nap and try to help more. Obviously if your DS is sleeping all night that's all irrelevant.

Einevinefine · 15/10/2023 22:19

You are doing enough imo and then some.
How would he feel if your positions were reversed? My guess is that he’d like you to do more??

PercyPigInAWig · 15/10/2023 22:20

I would add that I couldn’t easily do housework with DC1 as the child hardly napped so any time they did I had lots to do.

Circumferences · 15/10/2023 22:20

he wants me to do more daily cleaning

Do you have different standards do you think? Eg you see a perfectly clean tidy home but he wants a show home? Or do you agree your home could be cleaner ?

Original poster
Needaweekspabreak · 15/10/2023 22:22

DS sleeps through but probably has 2 nights a week where he will wake up crying and I will settle him.

Nice to see that others think I’m doing enough. I work in HR and sometimes I do have quiet times. He will always say your job isn’t a real job you barely do anything.

OP posts: