Do you think I do enough as a mum?

[Needaweekspabreak]

I work full time from home and I mainly do all cooking, cook from fresh do breakfast in the morning and get kids ready for school.

DH works part time 15 hours does all school runs and is the main carer for 1 year old dc during the day.

I do still help out with dc in the day if not too busy with work.

DH will wash the clothes and put them away and is the main tidy upper should I say. I will mop floors and do bathrooms and change bedding.

DH feels I’m not doing enough and wants me to help him out more with cleaning and washing. I just find once I log off work at 5 and start dinner I’m absolutely knackered and 3 evenings a week when DH goes to work I’m with all 3 kids.

DH has 2-3 hours in the day where DS is napping he could achieve so much but he usually goes for a nap. Which I’m not against as DS is draining.

DH takes DS football training on Thursday and Sundays too for an hour.

Should I be helping out more?

I think there's a great deal of minimising the full time care of a 1yr old!

I had DTwins at home until recently when I started a part time job. It's a bloody doddle going to work compared to looking after them.

I'm guessing his 15hrs a week are 3 X 5hr evening shifts given what you've said. So you need to look at this as "accountable hours". I'll ignore weekends for now.

You do, say 37.5hrs of contracted work. You'll know if you actually take 37.5hrs to do that work, or if it's more like 30. Then when you stop your paid hours, you do, say 1hr a night cooking too. That's another 5 accountable hours. 42.5 accountable hours.

DH does 37.5 hours of childcare. And that's not easy with a one year old. The naps I think are fair, because if he's then working a further 15hrs at night, plus commute time, he needs to catch up on his sleep when he can. Then he does all the laundry and most of the tidying, say that's 1hr a day on the two days he doesn't work. This puts him at 54.5 accountable hours.

I think there's a disparity there.

Does your DH have any health conditions? I can’t see why a healthy adult would need a nap in the day if they’re sleeping at night (and you say you’re the one who gets up with your DS if he wakes).

I would say you're already doing much more than your fair share.

He will always say your job isn’t a real job you barely do anything

The audacity! From someone who only works 15h pw!!

He says you need to do more cleaning???? Really? More help with the children fair do's but bloody cleaning? That is the last thing you should be thinking about as I'm sure you don't live in a tip. Hire a cleaner for a couple of hours a week. You work full time and then do dinner so after that he puts the kids to bed and you put your feet up. It's give and take though, you should be talking (nicely) to each other about how to work it out.

When you say “daily cleaning” do you mean that he wants you to tidy up after yourself more? Because if you’re making a mess of the house and not tidying up basic things then I think he may have a point. DH is bad at tidying up after himself and it makes my daily load feel so much more.

He will always say your job isn’t a real job you barely do anything.

Wow. Wanker.

I'm breathtaken by this man's audacity. I work about 25h pw and I consider I live the life of Riley, I still do more than your dh does (except lately as I'm heavily pregnant and having troubles with pgp etc - your dh does not have that excuse).

How can he badmouth your job when you must surely be the breadwinner financially?

He needs to increase his working hours. He's clearly not satisfied with the current situation but that's the answer.

Edit for typo

"He will always say your job isn’t a real job you barely do anything."

Your husband is a disrespectful asshole. He has issues. I'm wondering if he resents you earning more than him (assumption), and is trying to put you in 'your place'.

Plus you do all that, work full time, in your non-real job 🙄and he wants you to do MORE??? He's a cheeky fucker.

When does your husband do his 15 hours work?

If your job isn't a 'real job', how does he describe his little part time job?

Suggest he work full time and then the extra money can go towards a cleaner.

I'm inclined to agree but I'm holding back until op discloses when huaband does his 15 hours work.

I'm fully expecting it to be weekend when OP totally covers for him then too, but we'll see

It would be great if he could make dinner a few days while dc is napping. Something that could be heated up later. Then you would not have to face that when work ends and maybe could tidy a kids room or something. He is not overworked that's for sure!

I work 2 days a week 12 hour shifts. Husband works 5. I make the dinners mon, wed and he does sat sun and tue thur the days I'm not there.We have take away on a Fri. Deep Cleaning he does the majority of it at the weekend. I do the daily tidying. I have a nap some days because looking after a 2 year old is tiering all day🙈 getting my 2 year old to nursery I do as husband has already left for work. He does the pick ups as I'm still at work. He does the bath time routine and I do the tidying up/washing the floors at night. He takes care of the washing and drying but we both help to put it away. We do 4/5 washes every Sunday ready for the week. We can't be arsed washing and drying clothes during the week🙈😂

I will mop floors and do bathrooms and change bedding.

I will add I probably do my cleaning once a week bathrooms mopping and changing beds.

It's hard to say but is that the only 'cleaning' you do? That's not a great deal when it comes to keeping the whole house clean day in day out, it sounds like you're doing you're share when it comes to cooking and in general with the kids, but maybe he feels he's stuck in the never ending cycle of monotonous cleaning/tidying up after people? Especially if the older kids don't pitch in but also make mess.

It IS hard being the one stuck at home doing everything while the other person works, especially with a small child in tow, so you shouldn't really be having to ask on the internet whether you are doing enough or not, the only people that matter are you and your partner and you're partner says he's unhappy about the division of labour when it comes to those specific things. It would be worth having a proper talk with him and maybe changing things up a little.

I think you need to write down EXACTLY what you both do, how longs things generally take, both include your working hours and include your free time and compare lists. But don't minimise what he does as if you ONLY do the three things listed above he is doing LOADS more than you realise, cooking meals does not equal being a dogsbody for 5 people full time.

3 evenings a week she said somewhere.

You forgot the part about her getting the kids up, getting them ready, cooking breakfast, and doing the school runs.
Stripping and making beds, cleaning bathrooms, etc. Watching the kids while he's at work and does his hobbies.

Why does he want you to do more daily stuff - is it because there's something he's struggling with? It seems like a weird request, because surely if you're doing enough then it doesn't matter when it happens.

However his comment about your job sounds nasty - making me wonder if he's not just saying this for selfish reasons.

Assuming you work 9-5.

Breakfast and getting two kids ready for school should be juggled between you, Inc getting 1 yo ready.
He does school run and you start work.

You're then doing matching hours. He sometimes has a nap, but I assume you get lunch breaks etc too. He's doing child care, tidying up, washing, school run then all three kids for 1.5*5=7.5 hours.

At 5 you're cooking whilst he continues childcare
Could you share this out? Who washes up?

What time does he work? Yes you have the kids alone for these say 18 hours with commute, but presumably they're in bed for half of it. And he's at work not socialising so he's actually working longer than you of he's finishing midnightish.

So yes I'd say full-time childcare plus a PT job and his chores is more than you're full time job and cooking.can baby go to nursery and hom look for a full time job?

I'd probably shift some of the stuff like washing over the weekend and do it between you.

The bigger issue is the lack of mutual respect

You seem to have forgotten the part where DH does the all the school runs, not OP and she hasn't mentioned hobbies, he takes their son to football training twice a week?

I think HE should be doing a lot more tbh

It sounds like you expect your dh to do childcare and housework during the day, then work in the evenings, while you work in the day and just do childcare but no housework in the evenings.

If all you are doing is the cooking, I don't think that is fair, actually. Cooking is also a visible and high status part of the housework (as compared to stuff like cleaning the loo).

He isn't your skivvy. When I was on maternity leave and not working at all, do still did a share of the housework.

I found it impossible to do housework or cooking with a baby and of course napping while the baby sleeps is necessary, especially if you have to go to work in the evening after a full day with the baby!

I think actually it sounds like you both do too much. Cooking from scratch every night is tiring unless you enjoy it, but it is a respite from childcare. Presumably DH is doing more childcare while you cook, so he doesn't get a break? Anyway, it's not necessary, you could take it in turns to batch cook or buy pizzas and oven chips once or twice a week, like most people do, up to you though.

Daily hoovering is seriously ott unless you have very moulty cats.

I'd suggest you both do less, write a rota, remember DH is working full time looking after a baby then working two evenings on top. If the baby goes to sleep early, you're getting more downtime than DH.

I personally think if the sexes were reversed the replies would be a lot different.

If OP's typical day is like this:
Gets up, gets the kids ready for school, including make breakfast.
Works from home between 9 - 5 (admits her job is sometimes slow)
after work cooks tea.

and DH's typical day is like this
Gets up
Takes the kids to school
has the 1 year old all day
does all the chores and housework around the house
picks up the kids from school
after work 3 days a week goes to work
(I'm assuming he works a physical job, as only people doing some sort of manual work would say that working an office job "isn't a real job")

The daily 1 year old child care and physical chores are almost ALL falling to DH, that may be why he's asking OP to help out, and that's probably why he needs a nap in the day, especially on the day he works the evenings too.

OP says her three chores that she does all get done on one day so I assume that is a weekend and can't be more that 4 hours to mop floors, clean bathrooms and change beds which means she does NO housework in the week? Yet proclaims to be 'knackered' after working a sit down job all day, and thinks she does enough to help her DH so isn't prepared to do more.

I'd be pissed off if I was you DH too.

I think you do enough as a mum, but as a partner you're taking your DH very much for granted.

I'd feel the same way no matter the sexes, especially if it involved the one working part time saying that OP's full time job which I'm assuming makes her the main earner isn't even a real job.

OP may be knackered because she is the one that gets up in the night with the 1 year old if he wakes but doesn't get to nap during the day.

Also, if her work has a quiet moment then she's with DH and DC.