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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick fed up of husband

30 replies

laylasayla · 15/10/2023 17:31

Husband has adhd. Medicated but I'm not sure how much of a difference it really makes and has other side effect that to me are just not worth it. Also has suffered addiction issues recently and going through treatment. Everything feels like an uphill struggle. We have 2 young kids and I no longer have the bandwidth to hold his hand and direct him step by step through life. I would love to be able to do this but simply don't have the time or the energy and am sick to the back teeth of him not taking personal accountability for things. I understand he will have struggles with certain things but I need him to put coping mechanisms/systems in place to combat things that can be helped. He will do things like say he will get up with dc and give me a rest or take them out and he spends so long getting distracted when he's getting ready that everyone is demented and climbing the walls waiting waiting for him then he is aghast that very young dcs are fractious and tired and not on the same page of fun and hilarity as him. And I am the one entertaining the dc while he spends hours getting organised to go to the bloody park! Reminding him and keeping him on track doesn't work. He gets defensive. In fact anything I try to discuss with him is taken as an attack and he becomes defensive and I feel I can never win. My house is constantly a mess and I fruitlessly battle to clean, cook, dress and prepare everything for everyone and he can lose hours in his man cave watching garbage on his computer then cannot understand why I'm annoyed. He does nothing. I feel some things are adhd related and other things can be helped. He seems to have no concept of the damage he's done to our relationship through addiction, lying, affect on finance because of all of this. DC are 2 and 4. DC 2 is still an awful sleeper and I have done all nights. So admittedly there is little time to discuss and iron out issues. But honestly, he gets so upset and filled with shame when I bring things up but the following day it is like the conversation never happened and he reverts.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 15/10/2023 18:13

Why does he have a man cave? It sounds like it would be better used as a playroom so you could have a room you keep as an adult relaxing place?

TomatoSandwiches · 15/10/2023 18:28

Well he has ADHD, rejection sensitivity disorder is very common so I'm not surprised he reacts this way.
I would suggest no more children tbh as it gets harder to cope with daily life the more responsibility you have and he clearly can't cope very well with the two you have.
He needs some more therapy and coping strategies.

Grapewrath · 15/10/2023 18:40

I say this as someone with neurodivergence- it is not your responsibility to manage your husbands adhd. You will become resentful, exhausted and depleted. It’s very possible that your role will switch from wife to carer.
your husband needs to get some tools and strategies to manage this and/or some medication. Also, it’s ok to say that this is not something you can ( or want to) cope with long term. You get one life so please don’t spend it unhappy

Original poster
laylasayla · 15/10/2023 18:41

Pumpkin pie this is a great point. It used to be a family room but through Covid became his own office and it just became inhospitable and chaotic. Maybe time to reconfigure. Another thing to find time for

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Original poster
laylasayla · 15/10/2023 18:46

@Grapewrath thank you very much for this. I think I needed to hear that as I have tried often over the years to support/help etc and am now realising much of this is out with my control. I am happy to make accommodations to help him but I know he needs to find strategies. He was advised early on in diagnosis by his psychiatrist that as an adult therapy doesn't help as coping mechanisms are in place and it is harder to make changes. I find this to be nonsense and feel like the medication prescribed has some effect but needs enhanced. Sometimes feel dh wants it to be a plaster for the situation and a miracle fix but is struggling to put mechanisms in place that could make a bigger difference.

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Original poster
laylasayla · 15/10/2023 18:48

@TomatoSandwiches definitely no more dc on the cards. And I agree re therapy and strategies but not sure how or where this can be accessed as he was prescribed medication and told therapy not effective or available in his circumstances. Will explore this again though

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Original poster
laylasayla · 15/10/2023 18:53

@TomatoSandwiches also re rsd I am well aware of this and know it is a huge factor but as a partner who doesn't have adhd it can be very difficult to constantly let everything go and never have your feelings or frustrations validated. I would love to have strategies myself to help me assess things as I feel there is no right way. Even addressing things in a calm non nagging way still results in feelings of deep shame and depression and is not productive either. I am venting frustration in my original post but genuinely it is veery difficult on a daily basis

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TomatoSandwiches · 15/10/2023 19:25

laylasayla · 15/10/2023 18:53

@TomatoSandwiches also re rsd I am well aware of this and know it is a huge factor but as a partner who doesn't have adhd it can be very difficult to constantly let everything go and never have your feelings or frustrations validated. I would love to have strategies myself to help me assess things as I feel there is no right way. Even addressing things in a calm non nagging way still results in feelings of deep shame and depression and is not productive either. I am venting frustration in my original post but genuinely it is veery difficult on a daily basis

Perhaps couples counselling would help you see each others pov?

bonzaitree · 15/10/2023 19:30

Would your life be better if you separated?

Mrsttcno1 · 15/10/2023 19:31

I completely agree with PP that couples counselling would be a good step, to try and understand how the other is feeling without it being a “blame game” as it may end up being when you (understandably at the end of your tether) bring the topic up with him.

Counselling gives you both a safe neutral space to discuss all of this, with a third party to help mediate, and that way you hopefully avoid him feeling attacked as you will then have that third party who can help to explain things where you simply can’t, in a way he can understand x

Neriah · 15/10/2023 19:33

It sounds like he's had some awful issues to deal with. If the roles were reversed, would you have expected support from him? If not, YANBU.

owmn · 15/10/2023 19:35

OP, I could have written every single one of your posts, yet mine is as yet undiagnosed and unmedicated, and so is just a walking list of symptoms atm.

No advice given the above, but Flowers and solidarity, it really is so tough to be the partner in this scenario. I’m exhausted and completely understand your pov.

Nicole1111 · 15/10/2023 19:48

All you can do is identify your most important unmet needs, communicate very clearly what those are and how you need his help to meet them, and see if he takes responsibility for meeting them. If he doesn’t the question becomes are you willing to commit to having those needs remain unmet on a permanent basis. If the answer is no then I think you know what you need to do. I know that simplification likely sounds ruthless but if he’s been given time to develop his own coping mechanisms and chosen not to that’s on him not you. Your happiness shouldn’t be sacrificed for the comfort of someone who doesn’t have your comfort and happiness in mind.

Original poster
laylasayla · 15/10/2023 20:20

@owmn thank you. It is tough. I feel like I'm going mad at times. Solidarity right back at you Flowers

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Original poster
laylasayla · 15/10/2023 20:22

@Nicole1111 thank you for this. This is actually a great way to look at things. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and look at it as one big huge mess that needs sorted out. But maybe the key is to identify what I simply can't live with and take it from there. Wise words

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Original poster
laylasayla · 15/10/2023 20:24

Thank you everyone. I agree re counselling too. I looked in to the previously and timing looked tricky with no one to look after dc in the evenings but we might just need ti find a way to make it work

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Exasperatednow · 15/10/2023 20:28

Does he work? If so he might be able to get access to work funding. He could use this for an adhd experienced coach to help him work on strategies that would benefit all aspects of his life

ChristmasCrumpet · 15/10/2023 20:38

My DH has ADHD, and I can recognise some things in your post that happen in our home.

With us, it's more communication that struggles, because he's very black and white and quite over assertive in his statements.

However, today for example, we got little sleep over the last few nights, (young twins being buggers) and this doesn't affect him, where as I am like a zombie. I fell asleep from exhaustion on the sofa, and he took them outside to play in the garden and then made their tea, so I could have a power nap.

Counselling doesn't work too well with ADHD I think, as certainly with DH his brain works one way and one way only, and no amount of talking or reasoning could genuinely make him see another side. He might pay lip service as if he agreed, but it would be pointless as internally, he would be thinking it was all a load of rubbish.

With your DH, the ADHD is definitely the cause of his constant distraction, but he's not blind. He can see the mess in the house, he can see what needs to be done. With mine, we use lists. If I say "clean the house" he gets overwhelmed on where to start, what order to do things in etc. If I say, "clean the shower screen with viakal and this cloth" then after, say "clean the sink and loo with this product" then he'll fly through it.

Breaking things down into manageable chunks gets things done here. Similarly DS has ADHD, and if I told him "revise for 2 hours" he wouldn't know where to start, would get overwhelmed, then distracted. So I say "work through questions 1 to 7 on this page, then come and show me" then when he does, I show him the next part to do. Yes it's frustrating, and micro managing, but it works.

Mrstwiddle · 15/10/2023 20:48

I've broken up with my long term partner because of his adhd - over time it just became more and more intolerable, luckily no children.

No suggestions really, I feel like I tried everything but he wasn't prepared to put any work in as in his mind, he's perfectly fine and can't see outside of that ( and the Rejection Sensitivity was really stressful) Hooe you're able to find a solution that works for you, there is an adhd partners forum on Reddit which I found useful (and helped me realize that things where unlikely to ever change!)

Original poster
laylasayla · 15/10/2023 20:49

@Exasperatednow this looks amazing and something practical that could help. Thank you I'll check this out

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Original poster
laylasayla · 15/10/2023 20:55

@ChristmasCrumpet thank you so much for this. These are exactly the types of strategies that we need to implement. The issue is that we never seem to get to the point of putting these things in place. I don't mind a little micro managing if I know it's going to be received well and not taken as nagging. I will revisit this with him. I think with our dc being so young and diagnosis came along roughly the same time as dc1 we haven't had a proper chance to digest and put things in place. Plus the addiction issues he has encountered have taken more of a priority recently. I think this stage in life can be like a pressure cooker for many couples and these extra challenges for us have made it a little tougher. Will persevere and try hard to implement practical things that could help. Thanks

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Original poster
laylasayla · 15/10/2023 20:57

@Mrstwiddle sorry you've gone through a separation and hopefully this is positive for you and you're in a better place. I can completely understand how you got to that point. I will check out that page. Thank you and all the best with whatever the future holds

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HellonHeels · 15/10/2023 21:02

Do you really want to expose your young children to living with an addict?

billy1966 · 15/10/2023 21:09

OP, your children need their mum to be well.

It sounds very hard.

It is perfectly ok to decide that this life with him, his issues and addictions, are simply NOT for you.

Put what is best for you and your children first.