To be sick fed up of husband

[laylasayla]

Husband has adhd. Medicated but I'm not sure how much of a difference it really makes and has other side effect that to me are just not worth it. Also has suffered addiction issues recently and going through treatment. Everything feels like an uphill struggle. We have 2 young kids and I no longer have the bandwidth to hold his hand and direct him step by step through life. I would love to be able to do this but simply don't have the time or the energy and am sick to the back teeth of him not taking personal accountability for things. I understand he will have struggles with certain things but I need him to put coping mechanisms/systems in place to combat things that can be helped. He will do things like say he will get up with dc and give me a rest or take them out and he spends so long getting distracted when he's getting ready that everyone is demented and climbing the walls waiting waiting for him then he is aghast that very young dcs are fractious and tired and not on the same page of fun and hilarity as him. And I am the one entertaining the dc while he spends hours getting organised to go to the bloody park! Reminding him and keeping him on track doesn't work. He gets defensive. In fact anything I try to discuss with him is taken as an attack and he becomes defensive and I feel I can never win. My house is constantly a mess and I fruitlessly battle to clean, cook, dress and prepare everything for everyone and he can lose hours in his man cave watching garbage on his computer then cannot understand why I'm annoyed. He does nothing. I feel some things are adhd related and other things can be helped. He seems to have no concept of the damage he's done to our relationship through addiction, lying, affect on finance because of all of this. DC are 2 and 4. DC 2 is still an awful sleeper and I have done all nights. So admittedly there is little time to discuss and iron out issues. But honestly, he gets so upset and filled with shame when I bring things up but the following day it is like the conversation never happened and he reverts.

@HellonHeels I can assure you my children are safe and protected: Addiction is an illness that all too many people suffer from in our society and it is unrealistic and inhumane that they be kept from their families. Also it comes in many shapes and sizes. My husband has many flaws but he has worked hard to beat his addiction and that I am proud of. As per my original post he is in recovery and receiving treatment for addiction and not and active addict.

@billy1966 thank you. You're right, I need to consider how this all takes a toll on my health and the knock on effect

That sounds really hard work tbh.

Not exactly the same but I separated from my ex when I realised I was more his carer than partner. I had suspicions he had undiagnosed autism (or Asperger’s as it would have been seen as when we first got together), his ‘quirks’ were never the issue. I suspect I’m ND myself and it was actually wonderful being with someone like me, we ‘got’ each other if that makes sense.

However we then had children, who are diagnosed with autism. The masking he had been just about holding together started to slip away, he started having meltdowns about being ask to do simple things (including keeping on top of hygiene, which I appreciate triggered sensory issues). The strain of needing to think on behalf of two adults at all times on top of parenting and caring for the children broke me. I came to a crossroad - either I had to accept my role as his carer forever more, like a previous poster has with lists and micromanagement and other exhausting ways to get us both through the day. Or I could walk away and accept that this adult was not my responsibility, that our children needed me more and they would not have a fair or even particularly nice childhood if we stayed together.

You cannot ‘fix’ adhd or ASD. If the person who lives with these conditions is refusing to find ways of managing it themselves and fully relying on their (usually female) partner to be their minder, it’s inevitably going to end badly. You cannot sacrifice your mental health and wellbeing to save him from himself.

I am a female and I have ADHD and one of my children does too. I hold down a well paid professional job and I try to keep mess in the house minimal. I do not have a cave. I have learned coping strategies. They are not always perfect but I try. Sometimes dinner is very late and I struggle to get all the bits ready at the same time. Yes, I suppose I am not very happy when shortcomings are pointed out. I can perfectly understand that my behaviour can be irritating. It doesn't sound though that your DH is making much of an effort or has much self-awareness.