Aibu to have lost respect for relative who drastically changes her personality...

[PersephonePig]

...depending on the guy she is dating?

She's a high earning professional with two degrees and has a very respectable job. But when she starts dating someone she just changes.

Sometimes it's in a fairly annoying but not harmful to anyone else sort of way. For example, 'dumbing herself down' a bit or acting helpless or showing more emotion than usual, like hiding behind her hands at 'scary' bits on TV. All a bit infantile (she's nearly 40 btw), but not harmful.

But then there are things like being openly unkind to and about other women because her bf used to date them or where she'll suddenly become very political and refuse to talk to people if they won't let her rant on about whatever the hot topic is that day.

It's happened just recently and she's trying to mobilise people for a cause she previously showed no interest in but which the guy she's been dating is heavily involved in. The cause isn't even one I disagree with at all, but the aggressive phone calls trying to get us to join in because shes been interested in it for all of about one week is getting on my nerves.

It happens too much and every time she has a new man in her life, we all have to listen to her bang on about his "psycho ex" or animal rights and veganism (not cause I'm against at all, but they just come from the new bfs). I am quickly losing all respect for her tbh, and finding her unpredictable and a bit unstable as it changes all the time. Aibu?

My feeling from reading this is that you don't like her very much and you certainly have lost respect for her. However, I don't particularly feel a lot of respect for the way you write about her. It makes you sound not very nice.

It's different having no respect for a person on the Internet than losing respect for a relative who you normally are close to. No offence, but I have no respect for you either as you're a total stranger!

But it's harder losing respect for a family member. If she got involved in a cause on her own steam or even did it because of a new bf but didn't then annoy the whole family trying to get them to do the same, that wouldn't be so irritating. But she can be extremely persistent with these new causes and it has really lowered her in my estimation. Especially slagging off or being nasty to her bf's exes because he tells her to. It's pretty awful tbh.

Yanbu. Sounds extremely irritating.

I'd just smile and move on. She is who she is. That is her personality - a fluid and interchangable one!

Poor thing. She sounds like she has absolutely no confidence.

Yocal, I wouldn't mind her fluid interchangeable personality so much if it didn't produce an otherwise non existent mean streak in her. I think that's a key point maybe you've missed (or maybe you don't think it would bother you - but it does bother me)

I think that is a large part of it iknow. When she's single she's very independent and seems to really dislike men tbh. But then she starts dating someone new and she does exactly what they want her to do (or what she assumes they want her to do). It's all very complicated and I know it probably comes from her lacking in confidence. But I don't think that excuses the aggressive way she behaves when she's coupled up with someone new. Very much a hard "fuck everyone else" attitude which I can't understand. I don't even disagree with what' she argues for most of the time so it isn't like she's specifically saying fuck you to me. It's difficult to explain it and all very complicated

Everything you have wrote about her does sound annoying. Yes my personality definitely would recognise that, but I would just distance myself from her and be civil, kind but not engaging with the annoying bits. I ain't got no energy for that. I certainly wouldn't be getting myself upset about her mean behaviour, that's definitely her problem not yours!

If he’s told her his ex is a psycho that’s a red flag before she’s even started. It’s never their fault they broke up, always the psycho ex 🤣 She sounds as if her self esteem is next to non existent and she changes to please the men, which makes her very gullible and open to abuse. I’d watch like a hawk tbh.

She sounds very insecure of her own personality. I can understand why you would want to avoid her, it must be exhausting. Some people just find relationships very difficult.

I wouldn't be engaging her in any sort of confrontation Yocal. You have misunderstood if that's what you thought I was saying. We are usually extremely close and I have a lot of time and respect for her normally. But it's this whole attitude she gets when she starts seeing someone new. It isn't nice or loved up, but aggressive? She's one of life's fighters I think, which can manifest itself in a positive or negative way depending on the situation. But when she lets her bf deploy her like some sort of attack dog to either badmout their ex or berate people into joining in whatever political cause they're into, it affects me and the rest of us. She hasn't spoken to me for days because I said I didn't want to discuss the latest cause. Another relative spoke to her and she said she can't talk to me because "all I want to talk about at the minute is this cause".

This^^ makes her sounds quite nutty, but she honestly isn't. She's quite level headed and sensible normally

My mum does that its annoying, acts like she can't watch a scary scene when we grew up watching true crime with gory images.

Acts like she doesn't know general knowledge and loves having people say "Really, you didn't know?" She will turn her head right and left and look at people and act really dumb.

It does make you lose respect as its fake and you wonder why they are doing that for a new man or even just when you're in a group where there's more than one man.

I just call her out on it now if its soo obvious and say why are you acting like that mum

Probably the reason why she gets through so many BFs
sounds v shallow

yourealizardharry

Yes, it has crossed my mind many times that she is a prime target for nasty bastards. It's really hard though as she can be unpleasant when she's off on one. I don't know how to watch out for her when there is no talking to her. Anything negative about the man in question would go down so badly. I did say that re bfs only having "psycho exes" qho they talk about immediately, being a red flag. She said she'd never heard of it as a red flag.

Just be honest with her?

“Look Judgy Judy I’m sure the newest boyfriend is lovely but he and his exes snd his causes are seriously tedious. Call me when you’ve calmed down or broken up. No new man is worth this drama.”

Sounds like bpd. I have bpd and don't have my own personality I just mirror everyone around me. I understand it must be annoying though.

Also it should go without saying that you should disengage if she is nasty to you. It must be a sister or close cousin if you are so enmeshed that you can’t call her on her bullshit treatment of you when she thinks she is finally getting male attention.

@pikkumyy77 I was literally just thinking enmeshment!

Get your boundaries sorted out. You're burning too much of your own energy on your relative.

You're not unreasonable to find it annoying and exhausting, but you are being unkind about someone who clearly has low self-esteem.

Well she's not talking to me anyway just now, which is probably for the best.

It's definitely a close but complicated relationship. I think due to the low confidence, she does not take negative feedback well, so I probably have been too much of an enabler. It's tricky though, as in some ways I think she is vulnerable, but in others I think she's quite a disruptive person. Not all the time by any stretch, but when she kicks off she really kicks off

I couldn't be dealing with her OP!! Whatever about the subtle personality changes I couldn't deal with the judgemental rants supporting a cause she only heard about last week when she met this new man. She sounds pathetic. Its hard when she is family (sister???)

I had a friend like this. They would also change whenever they had a new “best friend” in their lives. They would be completely different with each partner too.

We naturally drifted apart over the years. We had known each other since school. Although I respect her as a person, on reflection, I realised I had very little tolerance for how much she kept changing as it made her unrecognisable to me.

It doesn’t upset me as I have plenty of friends and people who understand me better and whom I have more in common with.

It sounds like you need to understand what irritates you and decide what type of friendship you will have.

The good news is that we can pick our friends.

There’s a very good book “Stop Walking In Eggshells” about living with, and being fond of, a borderline person. It has really useful tips for how to stay in communication/friendship with them without getting drowned by the demands and the push pull of their needs. Its all about setting your boundaries and detaching from the problem behaviors.

All you can really do is tell her to be careful, point out to her all the things that are wrong with the relationship re the ‘’psycho ex’’ and her personality changes etc so she’s aware of them (she might not be) and then back away, it might make her think a bit. If it doesn’t then when they inevitably break up she might think back to what you said!

You can’t stress yourself out over someone else’s stupid choices though. Distance yourself, see if she comes back in time.

If you do start talking again do it with firm boundaries. You know her personality and she sounds aggressive (even violent?)by the way you write about her. I'm envisioning Mandy from This Country 😂. But if she is your sister then I can see how you're enmeshed. I'd be focusing on my own goals if I were you.