Aibu to have lost respect for relative who drastically changes her personality...

[PersephonePig]

...depending on the guy she is dating?

She's a high earning professional with two degrees and has a very respectable job. But when she starts dating someone she just changes.

Sometimes it's in a fairly annoying but not harmful to anyone else sort of way. For example, 'dumbing herself down' a bit or acting helpless or showing more emotion than usual, like hiding behind her hands at 'scary' bits on TV. All a bit infantile (she's nearly 40 btw), but not harmful.

But then there are things like being openly unkind to and about other women because her bf used to date them or where she'll suddenly become very political and refuse to talk to people if they won't let her rant on about whatever the hot topic is that day.

It's happened just recently and she's trying to mobilise people for a cause she previously showed no interest in but which the guy she's been dating is heavily involved in. The cause isn't even one I disagree with at all, but the aggressive phone calls trying to get us to join in because shes been interested in it for all of about one week is getting on my nerves.

It happens too much and every time she has a new man in her life, we all have to listen to her bang on about his "psycho ex" or animal rights and veganism (not cause I'm against at all, but they just come from the new bfs). I am quickly losing all respect for her tbh, and finding her unpredictable and a bit unstable as it changes all the time. Aibu?

Thanks all. It's been useful to talk about it on here 💐

Another thing I want to say is that OP thinks—as I would too—is that underneath the mean, judgmental, anti woman, performative politics friend is a nice person. But its really just as likely that OPs old friend mirrors OP when she is nice/thoughtful and she isnt mirroring the new man in her life. There really may not be a fundamentally nice person underneath it all.

Being interested in a partner's interests wouldn't bother me, although a bit tedious if she goes all guns blazing and tries to enrol all her friends and family. Does she immediately lose interest when the relationship ends?

Slagging off exs sounds totally unnecessary. Why does she date men who do this and why join in?

I don’t think you are unreasonable for feeling this way. My mum has a tendency to be like that. Obviously love her just the same but could be annoying as when she moved on to the next person and personality, I felt that she often dropped friends who she had met through her previous adopted interests and almost erases her previous ‘likes’ from her memory.
One of my oldest friends is also like this and in her latest incarnation, although still friends, we have drifted. Partly due to the fact we have less shared interests now but I also admit it is hard to take her seriously in conversations as you can’t work out if she believes what she is saying or is playing a role.

Exactly this! When she's not in a relationship with a guy then she is effectively in a relationship with her friends and so her 'nice' personality is likely the personality she knows her friends (ie you!) display and expect from her.

I suspect you have never known the true her, because it doesn't exist. She's a chameleon and changes for every situation.

That is such a good take away from this.

It’s always easy to view how someone acts in a relationship as them being different but everyone changes themselves a certain amount when dating- you’re a different person to the one you are with friends. You can think you’re different but we all have different personas- my friends know a different me to the one my dh does, and he knows a different me to my siblings. Only slightly, but enough!

Thanks. You've all given me a lot to think about (especially @pikkumyy77). Another relative says similar. He says I think too highly of her and that's why I end up being disappointed whereas he just accepts she's got a bit of a mean streak sometimes and they never fall out!

Anyway, thanks again for the comments.

I agree. It looks like you've got straight to the issue in just a few responses. Good luck with it all 💐

Honestly, about 95% of the females I know are like this and as cringey and embarrassing as it is, if I fell out with all of them over it I’d have no friends left.

I would definitely call her out on it but know that she probably isn’t going to acknowledge it.

My friend was very vocally against tattoos and motorbikes, so much so that she told me to either stop speaking to my other friend or I wouldn’t be invited to her wedding - she had never met my other friend and this friend is the loveliest person I’ve ever met.

A couple of weeks ago she met a new man and now all of a sudden she’s into tattoos and motorbikes and won’t acknowledge that she ever disliked them.

I can completely see why it annoys you, as it annoys me too but she’s responsible for her own actions and if she feels she needs to act like a different person for a man to like her then more fool her.

Perhaps just take a step back from her for a bit.

I was here to say the exact same thing.

I also have BPD and my personality changes with different people.

Becoming obsessive about a new person and their interests is typical BPD.

However, borderline personality disorders sufferers absolutely DO have their own personality, and you will find yours, too. You will still adapt other people's depending on the situation but yours is there.

I’ve had this several times with one of my uncles. When a new lady arrives on the scene, his whole approach to us as a family alters. Everything becomes about her and how we should welcome short notice visits, integrate her, go on trips with them and love her yapping dogs who should be allowed to roam through our houses and gardens like they’re part of the family.

We’ve had a vegan fraudster workshy Control freak. Then came the rough caravanner obsessed with her dogs and gin. He was obsessed with them both. Thankfully they didn’t last.

@PersephonePig are you married and do you have children? I know of alot of people with a 'normal life', marriage, kids etc who seem to have disdain for women in their 30's and older who don't have those things.
It is hard feeling like you haven't yet achieved what seems to be the expected milestones. It sounds like your family member has very low confidence but she may also be struggling with these things.

She has children and is divorcedso did have all those things

But I'm really sorry if you've been made to feel that way by other people's expectations of you orange - that's shit

@Differentstarts I'm just curious, how do you mean you don't have a personality? Do you mean the way you present your personality socially? Or that you don't have your own private thoughts or opinions?

how did you arrive at that conclusion ? thats very clinical,
its more the op is not keen because rather than the friend be herself instead she changes her personality to suit the person she is dating

@Dedsec2023
I'm not sure what you mean, but OP has her answers now. It looks like her relative has BPD tendencies and this is something she can look into further. OP has also realised she holds her relative to a higher regard than she perhaps should. Not that people with BPD should be disrespected, but OP should be setting appropriate boundaries with them and perhaps not expecting too much from them.

Have you sat down with her and calmly asked her about why she might be doing it? Ask her about the pattern you've noticed in a gentle non patronising manner and see if she is aware of how she might be coming across?

I probably do have a personality I just have no clue what it is as it changes constantly dependant on who I'm with. My opinions are mainly based on others opinions and my thoughts are very dark so I mainly block them out and don't listen to them.