to expect more of MIL...

[macdoodle]

Genuinely want to know if I am or if I am being over emotional and over reacting??
Quick background H and I been together 10 years now seperated after his affair 18 months ago but fairly amicable (now) we have 2 DD age 6 and 10 weeks....have always tried to keep good relationship with MIL and thought I did - she adores DD1 and previously has helped out a lot looking after her especially when I worked full time when she was tiny (for which I am very grateful)...
I buy all birthday mothers day xmas cards and presents invite for xmas lunch go visit with Dc etc etc
DD2 was admitted to hospital last Sunday with septicaemia and was very ill for few days we just came home from hospital yesterday and am feeling understandably wobbly and baby still quite unsettled with diarrhoea....H has done his usual and disappeared to pub (we don't live together)...managed to sort DD1 out this week with help from my friends and H doing his bit and didn't need to ask MIL to help too much (I know she doesn't like running about and DD1 has swimming rainbows etc)...
Anyway got home and feeling quite unsettled DD1 has 2 activities tomorrow (which she loves) and really don't think baby is up to being shlapped around in and out of car so ring MIL to ask if she would mind helping out (I hate asking for help and usually get on with it but am still worried about baby not 100%)....so was gobsmacked when she said no can't help got to go shopping (to tescos not a major planned outing) - she didn't even ask how baby was how I was and TBH didn't offer to help at all when we came home on thur .....am feeling quite upset let down and hurt especially as I feel I have made a huge effort to keep everything amicable when H and I split so she continues to have a good relationship with her GC.....

No, YANBU: now, you strike me as being very thoughtful, patient, kind and considerate, i, on the other hand, would have flipped, pointed out if tesco's couldn't be put off to look after v poorly grandchild it might be best if she didn't look after them at all in the future, and perhaps her sobn would care to get her all her christmas cards and presents, mothers day things, birthday cards and presentrs since he obviously couldn't be arsed for the past ten years. You have done extremely well to stay calm!

Oh dear a difficult one this. You sound very upset.

Well, at least MiL has been honest and said no. It would have been worse if she said yes and messed you around, or said yes and then resented you and slung it back at you sometime. People do do that, occasionally.

Plus she may not know how sick DD2 is, or how run down you are, or how important the activities are to DD1.

It sounds as if your expectations of the payback you deserve for keeping good relations with MiL are quite high. Perhaps she doesn't see things in quite the same way.

Anyway, it won't kill a six year old to learn to put her sister first because she's sick.

BTW, were you asking her to look after sick baby, or take DD1 to activities? Because these are two different requests, and might have got two different answers.

Is your DD2 her grandchild? Just asking as she is 10 weeks and you seperated with H 18 months ago, could she be feeling funny becaus eof this?
Though it's no excuse for her behaviour which I thought was very rude.
Could you ask her if everything is alright because you really could do with some help ect, and your poor dd2 has been very ill.

Sounds like something my MIL would say...

Agree with yousaidit - YANBatallU. She, however is being gobsmackingly unreasonable, in the circs.

for you, and your DDs.

yousaidit - those where my exact feelings and along with the tears welling up I just said oh ok then and put phone down....
Tri she knows how ill DD2 was they came to get DD1 from hospital (she was with us when rushed baby in) and saw her hooked up to tubes machines etc...I don't expect "payback" I do the things I do because I feel it is the right thing to do and I want my DC to have a good relationship with their GM (I have a highly developed sense of responsibility and morality)...what I did expect was (1) for her to be concerned enough to ask how they were doing/to offer to help and (2)to want to help me and help DD1
Feeling sad now and also a bit angry think maybe in future H can do cards pressies etc and take DC to visit

Also would like to say that you've done your very best to keep a good relationship with her and her grandchildren but she should make a huge effort to do the same, it shouldn't all be you.

Castille, let's go round and shout at her!! Ha ha! macdoodle, obviously i know nthjing of your personal circumstances other than this post, so it seems appropriate to say that your MIL seems tyo be taking for granted the fact that you are very nicely maintaining cordial relationsfor the sake of your kids. Perhaps tsarting to be less proactive will remind your MIL she's got a bloody good d.i.l. and a knob of a son (unless you still ove your dh and i fully take that back and say he's silly? ) if she calls you to see the kids say you're off to tescos and can shge sort it out with her son. Papping of pants should soon follow with many offers of any assistnace when you require it!

DD2 is H's - conceived by accident during attempt at reconciliation which didn't work out (though feel exceedingly lucky to have a much longed for second child)....Baby is breast feeding and comfort feeding and still having fairly marked diarrhoe so had asked if she could ferry DD1 around - H would drop off at activity 1 on his way to work she would need to pick her up and drop at next an hour later and collect and bring home an hour and half later - all very close by to us and her in fact all within mile or so.....I very rarely ask for favours (hate to ask) so for me to ask is a fairly big thing......TBH was surprised she hadn't offered as she knows what hrd work sat is with baby and now wonde rof I had somehow offended her though god knows how as have been in hospital with baby all week and tried to minimise amount she needed to help out

Still confused macdoodle, are both kids his?

If so, why couldn't ex dh help?

Hmmm. What are your plans for the future Macdoodle? Keep up the good relations or cut back on going out of your way to be nice to mil as far as helping her maintain relationship with the kids goes?

Thanks guys am going to stop trying so hard and let her make an effort to see her GC if she wants .....oh yes H is def a knob (unfortunately I do still love him but he still a knob!!!)..oh and he can buy her birthday cards and pressies enxt month i will be too busy "shopping"
Thanks.....my lovely BF came over whilst I was in floods of tears...and will do middle bit of running about so will only have to take baby out once....and she is full time working mum of 3 kids and her own DD2 has activities tomorrow but she has time to help me

Both are his he will do first part but he works on a sat and it his busiest day so can't really close shop in morning ...

Are both dd's his?

sorry cross posted!

Could she be offended that she wasn't asked to help enough? Even though you tried to not put her out, she could feel left out,maybe that you asked friends instead of her?
Has she always helped you out before and has she been good about it?

Seems an odd answer on her part then especially if she's normally so helpful. maybe she has some other things going on?

Take a little bit of pressure of yourself and fr a few weeks let your MIL make any contact if she wants it: you've got your hands full, and tbh, in such a precarious situation, you'd think in laws would be bending over backwards to stay in the good books with their soon to be ex - DIL or SIL when kids are concerned! She must be a wizzened old moo: you eldest dd is the double of you, and your youngest is soooo cute!!!! If i was your MIL i'd have moved in when knob head moved out!! (sorry, just been nosey-ing at your photos!)

I did think that but seems so petty and childish ...she does help but does usually pull a face when I ask (she will do it but not in good grace)....she usually has DD1 after school 2 afternoons a week but not since I have been on maternity leave and hasn't offered to help that much since baby arrived...she was a great help when DD1 was tiny and I worked full time....
Oh well she isn't my mother so shouldn't expect too much - am going to stop making such an effort but feel sad because I actaully thought we got on ok but this week has been hell and I am feeling so wobbly anyway and really needed the help/support and was so upset she didn't even ask how baby was doing or phone today and check ...my phone has been ringing non stop my father rang twice from South Africa and my work partner brought flowers chocs and offers of hep

Can your ex h ask his mum to do it. He can tell her that HE needs her to pick up DD1 from X and take her to Y because he is working and you are at home with sick (very small) baby.
Let him deal with his mother

oh sorry lots xposts ..thanks all gonna step back for mo and concentrate on me and girls leave ball in her court so to speak...

hmmm told H I was upset his response "well your mother didn't come to help"...he knows my mum is barking lives in London not to be trusted with either DC and drives me mad when she comes to stay...

Usually I do get him to ask she never says no to her baby boy....but I really didn't expect her not to help

Just out of interest, what has she been like with DD2? You mentioned that she was great with DD1, is she just as doting on DD2?

Different situation other than the obvious that H and I are seperated...but when DD1 was little I worked full time/nights and H worked shifts and we needed her help a lot which she seemed to give willingly - this time I am much more settled only work 2 and half days no nights or weekends so don't need that much help and have tried not to impose too much??
She does seem taken with DD2 though perhaps not quite as much as DD1 - her other son has 2 DD and she def favours one over the other - I will not put up with that