to expect more of MIL...

[macdoodle]

Genuinely want to know if I am or if I am being over emotional and over reacting??
Quick background H and I been together 10 years now seperated after his affair 18 months ago but fairly amicable (now) we have 2 DD age 6 and 10 weeks....have always tried to keep good relationship with MIL and thought I did - she adores DD1 and previously has helped out a lot looking after her especially when I worked full time when she was tiny (for which I am very grateful)...
I buy all birthday mothers day xmas cards and presents invite for xmas lunch go visit with Dc etc etc
DD2 was admitted to hospital last Sunday with septicaemia and was very ill for few days we just came home from hospital yesterday and am feeling understandably wobbly and baby still quite unsettled with diarrhoea....H has done his usual and disappeared to pub (we don't live together)...managed to sort DD1 out this week with help from my friends and H doing his bit and didn't need to ask MIL to help too much (I know she doesn't like running about and DD1 has swimming rainbows etc)...
Anyway got home and feeling quite unsettled DD1 has 2 activities tomorrow (which she loves) and really don't think baby is up to being shlapped around in and out of car so ring MIL to ask if she would mind helping out (I hate asking for help and usually get on with it but am still worried about baby not 100%)....so was gobsmacked when she said no can't help got to go shopping (to tescos not a major planned outing) - she didn't even ask how baby was how I was and TBH didn't offer to help at all when we came home on thur .....am feeling quite upset let down and hurt especially as I feel I have made a huge effort to keep everything amicable when H and I split so she continues to have a good relationship with her GC.....

Can you start a bit of a club with any friends where you just rely on each other for favours, you know, pick kids up for me, i'll bbaysit for you one weekend, that sort of thing? Start transferring asking for help to trusted friends rather than the in laws?

My friends are great and will help but I hate to ask as they are all busy too...also thought MIL would be worried about baby and DD1 as we have all had very tough week...

Can you start to offer your friends help first before you tap favours off them? I know this might nmot be too useful given your present situation, but can you do any babysitting for friends, running about, other favours etc so that you're ready to call favours back? Horrible thought, but do you think your MIL might be trying to 'punish ' you (that might not be best word, sorry!) for you and the dh splitting up because she doesn't want to see any wrong in her son, even though your posts make it clear it was his fault?

Sounds like your MIL is a bit like mine (hence my anger on your behalf). Mine used to offer to help out occasionally, but only when she had nothing better on and not when we really needed it. It's a control thing I think - she didn't want me to start feeling that she is at our beck and call (as if!).

Does that sound like her? I find it hard to believe that she doesn't care about your DDs, unless she has a particularly callous streak, but if she has her son on a tight rein (defending her with weak excuses is pretty telling) it could be that she has spent her life controlling her family so is one for that sort of game with "outsiders".

(mine's improved now but still not particularly reliable or predictable).

Do you think MIL might doubt dd2 is H's child and therefore her grandchild, even though she would be wrong in that assumption?

Am surprised you had no sympathy from H about her refusal to help. Surely he understands how ill the baby has been.

Castille, that's just like my MIL. One day she would be fine to have them but when we needed her to have dd's while we moved house, she was too busy she had to walk the dog.
In the end, because of her lack of interest only when she had nothing better to do, and I mean it was weeks before she'd think of seeing them, I stopped going round or calling or texting.
Then we had a big row, because she thought it should be up to me to bring them round to see her and couldn't understand that I wouldn't take my dc's to see anyone that wasn't happy to see them...Anyway, it's very hard because my mum doesn't live nearby, she's all I have got for babysitting ect, and it is important that dc's see their grandparents. So I try to make an effort and bite my tongue adn try to get on with her, but I know if my mum lived near me, I'd only see her once in a blue moon.

Thanks everyone so maybe I am not totally BU...had to go to bed and feel a bit better this morning though still
It is a little out of character for her - she is not overly forthcoming with offers of help usually and will pull a face or say she has to cancel something if I ask but generally will help when asked (though it really isn't often)..which is why I was so upset and shocked as this week I thought she would have been concerned about me taking baby in and out of car all morning
We generally get on ok though where as my family is very tactile/huggy/love you's...she is far more restrained (hard welsh lady)....and she genuinely cares about her GC (or so I thought)especially DD1 who no doubt she adores...
Gosh I hope she doesn't think DD2 isn't H hasn't really been an issue - H certainly doesn't even think that - and where DD1 is spit of me (see profile) must say the baby looks more like her father ..
Maybe its a MIL think that they think it is our responsibility to make the effort to maintain rekations with the GC's - well I am not going to anymore am still and hurt...let her darling son do it (he won't he has his own issues with her)...
As for friends I am pretty good at returning favours certainly BF across road who has DD same age as my DD1 I regularly help out especially now I am on mat leave and she works full time...so no qualms asking her to help (I didn't she offered which is what MIL should have done).....

Maybe she's already committed to helping with the OW's child? Do I remember right that the OW got pregnant close to when you did?

Maybe she was uncomfortable bc she didn't want to tell you?

Hadnt occured to me asked H this morning - he said she has had no contact with OW baby at all !!
So how do I deal with this am alternating very with very and think I need to say something...but what and how without causing major row...oh and am not at all bothered if she never helps again I don't NEED her for childcarecan make other arrangements !!

People make plans and they shouldn't be expected to drop those plans at short notice and because you want them to. Sorry but YABU.

Doesn't matter if it's a trip to Tesco or a trip to the Moon, you shouldn't be making a fuss about this.

If anything you should be more annoyed about your EX. It's his child too.

It's a shame she wasnt a bit more supportive as you'd clearly had a rough few days, but agree with beanie that you're directing your frustration at the wrong person. Your children have two parents, and it's their dad who has a responsibility towards them, not their grandparent.

oh come one I never ask for help her 9 week old GD was in hospital for a week and I asked for help with her adored 6 year old GD ...and she was too busy shopping to help??
Never mind she never even asked how the baby was how I was or how DD1 was ...
Oh well obviously some people think IABU and she clearly does...but next time she pops in for coffee and a chat and to see GC I will be busy on my way out shopping, next birthday, xmas, anniversary, mothers day, H can sort out cards from the girls and himself (I will be far to busy to bother)..
H is a plonker but he has own shop (tattooist) and sat is his busiest day so really to expect him to close was bit unrealistic...yes DD1 could have missed activities but she has been through a lot as well and been good as gold....as it was BF was happy to help won't bother to ask MIL again she can make the effort to see the girls if she can be bothered...and not bothered to even phone to see how baby is doing ....

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable, although can understand why it rankles.

She is your H's mum, not yours, and now the two of you have separated (for whatever reason) I think it's only fair she seems to be putting a bit of distance between you and her. Although she is the childrens grandparent she doesn't have any obligation to you, in the way she might have had when you were all a family unit living together. Helping you out then was a way of helping her son out and that tie just isn't there any longer. (Not that grandparents are obliged to help out at all just couldn't think of a better word to express it, soz)

Like I said though, I can understand why it might smart a bit esp. if she has been ok up until now.

Well it wasn't really me that needed help it was her GD but I will no longer have any expectation of help or support from her ..BUT likewise I will no longer make any effort to maintain relations with her

I can understand why you are upset about this MacD. Up until now your MIL had remained freindly and close so, you felt able to ask her to help you out. The sudden turn in her attitude would upset me too, especially considering the circumstances surrounding your need to ask her for help.

During my temporary split from DP my MIL remained as close and friendly as she had been while we were together so I wouldn't have hesitated to ask her for help had I needed it and I would have been knocked for six if her response had been the same as your MIL's.

But, FWIW, I do think that taking a step back and leaving exH to sort out the cards, pressies, etc for his own family is a good idea. It's time for you to concentrate on you now! xx

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Tescos???? The place is open till 10pm! I wouldn't want to go there in the morning anyway. Of course nobody is obligated to help out - but being asked to help one grandaughter have fun whilst the other recuperates - it's hardly like you wanted her to have her for a week is it?

So sorry to hear your dd2 has been so ill - how scary! Hope she is much better soon.

TFM talk sense as always [waves]
Am bit calmer DD2 seems almost back to normal though I am still quite jumpy...just bought DD1 pressie for being so good and helpful when her sister was ill...
Am going to leave it in MIL and H hands for now and see if she says anything/makes any effort to see GC without me facilitating...tired of making the effort for everyone think this has crystallised things for me ..

You are a 'Teabag' remember!

We don't let little things like this get us down. You will bounce back and be much stronger for it. Who needs em' eh? xx

So - because of this one thing you are now going to stop being friendly to her or trying to maintain contact?

you say you have always been on good terms and yet you are letting this one thing really upset you more than it really should.

I think this idea that grandparents should be ready to drop everything at the drop of a hat is just unfair and your response is fairly childish TBH.

Minkus! Why should the ex MIL be putting distance between the mother of her GC and the children. OP did nothing wrong.

macdoodle I could have the baby for you so the baby can stay in the warm and DD1 can go with mum to her activities and one to one time with mum.

Disagree this was one bug/huge thing for me....my 9 week old had been quite seriously ill, I had been in hospital with her for a week (worried sick not sleeping crap food), my estranged H had been staying in my house looking after elder DD who I had seen only once, I came home alone with poorly DD2 elder DD1 alone to a tip of a house and both children needing attention....I am usually very calm collected in control (read control freak)...I VERY rarely ask for help so the mere fact that I did speaks volumes apart from apparant lack of concern for either GC...on the background of her cheating son leaving us (being thrown out) I am really not in mood to make any effort whatsoever - ad you know what maybe that is childish I really don't care for once I am going to behave how I want not how I think I should/the "right" way!!!!!!!

check out my 17:08 post

Disagree this was one big/huge thing for me....my 9 week old had been quite seriously ill, I had been in hospital with her for a week (worried sick not sleeping crap food), my estranged H had been staying in my house looking after elder DD who I had seen only once, I came home alone with poorly DD2 elder DD1 to a tip of a house and both children needing attention....I am usually very calm collected in control (read control freak)...I VERY rarely ask for help so the mere fact that I did speaks volumes apart from apparant lack of concern for either GC...on the background of her cheating son leaving us (being thrown out) I am really not in mood to make any effort whatsoever - and you know what maybe that is childish I really don't care for once I am going to behave how I want not how I think I should/the "right" way!!!!!!!

oh x post thanks NAB - would love some 1:1 time with DD1 but baby breast feeing a lot at mo partly comfort partly re stocking I think

Well if there is anything I can do - shout.