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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Binned off for beer!

59 replies

Frazzledandfried · 14/10/2023 16:59

DP has always been a bit of a party animal, can never leave until the end of the night, most of the times we go out I drive and he gets pissed.
Often out way later than agreed, never sorts a lift out (we live rurally so taxi/public transport not an option). In the earlier days of our relationship he failed to come home several times, or would ring me at 3 or 4 in the morning asking me to go and get him. We have 2 DC aged 2 and 4 now and admittedly it hasn't been so frequent but he still loves a beer and will often ring while he's out saying he won't be home when he said he would be and then not getting home til the early hours. We've been out this morning getting the DCs hair cut, and arranged that his parents would come over tonight for takeaway. He asked if I minded dropping him off at the rugby club for a few and he will come home when we go and pick up the takeaway. No problem, see you in a few hours.
He's just rung me and said one of his rugby mates wants to stay and watch the world Cup rugby game which doesn't start til 8 so did I mind of he stays out instead. I reminded him we have plans with HIS parents and he said yeah, they won't mind if I'm not there. I'm pissed off and told him yet again he has binned us off for beer.
AIBU to feel let down and pissed off? Every time he goes out this happens. I wouldnt be so bothered but he was away Sunday and Monday night with work and worked late the rest of the week (genuinely work and no suspicion of any infidelity) and we've hardly seen him.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 17:58

How frequent is this OP?

Stomacharmeleon · 14/10/2023 18:02

So now he knows how you feel he is coming home? He can watch the rugby on the tv.

ElleCapitaine · 14/10/2023 18:07

‘Great news, Johnnys parents. We’re all going to the rugby club for dinner. Johnny’s treat.’

BetterPlease · 14/10/2023 18:13

It is reasonable to expect him to be present at arrangements he himself has made with his own family.

Make a pact that he should pay some sort of hefty compensation each time he does this, such that you are happy and it’s enough to make him think twice…

Original poster
Frazzledandfried · 14/10/2023 18:18

@Barrowgirl not as bad as it used to be, he stopped playing rugby just before covid (his choice not me pushing him although I can't say I was disappointed) and his other mates have mostly also got small children so don't go out as much as they all used to. So it varies, probably once every couple of months. But pretty much without fail rings me with one excuse or another as to why he is going to be out late (wetting another babys head, oh X is here and I haven't seen him for ages, or it's Y's birthday i didn't realise all the lads would be here). Obviously he's generally fucking useless the next day when he's hung over ( I can't even entertain the thought of parenting my hellions on a hangover so I never have) so it just puts a bad feeling on the whole weekend when it does happen.

He has tried to ring me several times, the first time I answered and told him I'm not happy that he's binned us off. He's messaged because I told him our 4yo has quoted me and said "Daddy always bins us off, doesn't he" so as long as he's happy with her knowing that's who her dad is then he should stay out as long as he likes. Told him I don't want to speak to him on the phone because I'm not arguing.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:41

I wouldn’t want him within a 1 mile radius of my children tbh

dancingdaisies · 14/10/2023 19:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

GettingStuffed · 14/10/2023 19:47

My guess is peer pressure from his mates at the club. I used to go to the rugby club regularly and if someone said something like I've got to go home their mates would take the Mick and call them under the wife's thumb. A lot aren't strong enough to say No I need to go.

HarperMae · 14/10/2023 19:54

"probably once every couple of months"

really? You're honestly annoyed that once every couple of months he comes home later than planned early hours? The problem you've got is making the plans. Why do people need timed nights out, once every couple of months? That's unhealthy. Leave him to enjoy a night out.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 19:54

GettingStuffed · 14/10/2023 19:47

My guess is peer pressure from his mates at the club. I used to go to the rugby club regularly and if someone said something like I've got to go home their mates would take the Mick and call them under the wife's thumb. A lot aren't strong enough to say No I need to go.

Yuck - the thought of being with a man who a) sayes something like this and / or b) a man who buckles under this kind of “pressure”

OliveToboogie · 14/10/2023 20:21

He has a problem with alcohol. End of. It's affecting his marriage and family life.

phoenixrosehere · 14/10/2023 20:27

HarperMae · 14/10/2023 19:54

"probably once every couple of months"

really? You're honestly annoyed that once every couple of months he comes home later than planned early hours? The problem you've got is making the plans. Why do people need timed nights out, once every couple of months? That's unhealthy. Leave him to enjoy a night out.

Not when they have plans involving his parents!

What was the point of having them over then? It’s rude behaviour to not come home last minute.

steff13 · 14/10/2023 20:31

YABU. He showed you who he was early on. Why are you disappointed when you knew what you were getting into?

HarperMae · 14/10/2023 20:31

phoenixrosehere · 14/10/2023 20:27

Not when they have plans involving his parents!

What was the point of having them over then? It’s rude behaviour to not come home last minute.

Edited
Show quote history

The OP has an issue every time he does it, once every couple of months. That was the point I was making.

Original poster
Frazzledandfried · 14/10/2023 20:32

HarperMae · 14/10/2023 19:54

"probably once every couple of months"

really? You're honestly annoyed that once every couple of months he comes home later than planned early hours? The problem you've got is making the plans. Why do people need timed nights out, once every couple of months? That's unhealthy. Leave him to enjoy a night out.

Silly of me. I shan't make any plans for weekends in future just in case he wants to fuck us off for another 5 pints.
He goes out more than this but every couple of months was referring to "blow outs".

OP posts:
Iknowthis1 · 14/10/2023 20:41

"But why does he have to be such a fucking let down every time!!?!"

Because he can't stop at one drink. It's all or nothing.

Original poster
Frazzledandfried · 14/10/2023 20:44

Iknowthis1 · 14/10/2023 20:41

"But why does he have to be such a fucking let down every time!!?!"

Because he can't stop at one drink. It's all or nothing.

That's the long and the short of it, sadly. It is such a shame.

OP posts:
silvertoil · 14/10/2023 20:44

So he's a great husband... apart from this quite major problem every month or two where he's a crap husband. I wouldn't like this at all so YANBU. Do you think he's willing to change?

Shelby2010 · 14/10/2023 20:47

There is no way that he didn’t know there was a World Cup match on. That’s why he got you to drop him for ‘a couple of hours’. He knew you wouldn’t have given him a lift if he’d said he wanted to stay and watch the match.

Totally premeditated, underhand sneakiness.

AncoraAmarena · 14/10/2023 20:48

Frazzledandfried · 14/10/2023 20:44

That's the long and the short of it, sadly. It is such a shame.

Show quote history

He sounds just like my ex husband. Thank god we split up before the children realised he treasured behaving like this over them. They've worked it out now though, as nothing has changed.

I'm so sorry for you. I think you have to make a decision about what you're going to do. I can tell you now, he won't change unless he gives up drinking.

Squeakypipster · 14/10/2023 20:55

My dp was like this. We split. Bottom fell out of his world and he quit, we went through counselling and he's been ace ever since. He knows if he's to come back steaming drunk that's it. Been several years now and he's good to his word. But I don't think he was alcoholic, he can just have a couple or none at all. It's your choice whether to put up with it, get shot, or lay the law down. For me, it's a toss up between the last as it will never change by itself. Stay strong.

Soubriquet · 14/10/2023 20:56

So he’s an alcoholic

OrlandointheWilderness · 14/10/2023 21:00

Well it's clear who he wants to spend his time with and it isn't you. It's the booze and his mates.

batsandeggs · 14/10/2023 21:06

Really bullshitty and selfish behaviour. He’s proved that he can’t just go for one or a couple so really it’s up to you on next steps - but you and your kids deserve to be a priority.

HarperMae · 14/10/2023 21:06

Frazzledandfried · 14/10/2023 20:32

Silly of me. I shan't make any plans for weekends in future just in case he wants to fuck us off for another 5 pints.
He goes out more than this but every couple of months was referring to "blow outs".

Show quote history

That's not what I meant. I meant when you say he comes back later than planned. When he goes out why is there a need to make a planned time of coming home? Setting the night up to fail. I dont mean never make any plans in your life, that's obviously ridiculous.