Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH always making plans

32 replies

TeddynIzzy · 14/10/2023 16:50

DH and I have one DD, she’s 2. We are happy in every way, arguments rare. The only issue is DH is always making plans, either for himself which leave me either childcare, for just the two of us which means finding other childcare or for all of us.
He is a freelancer, so when we had DD he decided to cut his hours and find more consistent work. This is great but now he finds himself easy bored.
This weekend and last were dictated by his plans as will the next two.
For context
Last Friday DH took the day off to go sailing with friends, usually he gets DD from nursery on Fridays but obviously couldn’t so I had to rush back. He wasn’t home until gone 11pm.
Last Saturday he was invited to the 50th of someone he vaguely knows, was desperate for me to go with, but it was a bit out of the way. Had to arrange a babysitter for DD (no local family), get a hotel etc. Then Sunday he’d decided instead of going to our normal Sunday lunch pub we’d go into central London and have lunch with his friends. DD hadn’t slept well the night before so was grumpy and definitely just wanted quick food and a nap.
This weekend, he is doing a job he does every month, Thursday to Sunday but pays well and he enjoys it. This again meant me doing the Friday pick up and being home with DD.
Tonight he will be home for 9, then it’s another friends birthday party. This friend has a party basically every year and we see her often anyway so I suggested we pass. No no he’s already told everyone DD and I will be there at 7.30 (only one other kid will be there). Now it’s rude if I don’t show but no doubt by the time DH arrives at 9/9.30 DD will be well over tired and I’ll have to take her home.
Next weekend he is meeting another friend for dinner and drinks on Friday so another Friday where I’m home alone with DD. On Saturday we are going to visit his godparents.
The following weekend he’s got all sorts of Halloween things planned for us all, including 2 parties!!

In all honesty I just want a night off, I want to go drink wine with my friends without worrying about DD waking. I want a family day in to do some crafts or snuggle up and watch a film.
I feel like I have no control over my life. DHs solution is always get a babysitter but DD never sleeps well when we aren’t home and I’d actually quite like a night in with DH for a change.

AIBU to think he is packing our diary too full and it wouldn’t hurt to slow down and have a weekend of doing nothing?

OP posts:
Spottywombat · 14/10/2023 16:54

I'd be getting a divorce.

ProfessionalTeaDrinker · 14/10/2023 16:58

I'm exhausted just reading that. No, yanbu. Tell him you've booked plans and then on the day just say the plans are staying home do whatever it is you want? Or, the option I'd probably have already done, throw an epic tantrum and refuse to leave the house and tell him to come the fuck home or else.

Original poster
TeddynIzzy · 14/10/2023 16:58

Spottywombat · 14/10/2023 16:54

I'd be getting a divorce.

Care to expand?
Seems like an extreme response to there being too many plans.

OP posts:
Couldyounot · 14/10/2023 17:02

If someone kept making plans for me it would drive me round the bend. Does he actually check with you first or does he assume you're OK with whatever it is?

Millybob · 14/10/2023 17:04

I wouldn't allow him to make any arrangements or accept invitations on my behalf. If he wants your daughter to be at a party at 7.30, then he needs to take her himself. And it's not rude at all if you don't show; his friends - his invitation - he sorts it.
Take back control. And if he goes on his own and leaves you baby-sitting, then make it absolutely clear that you are entitled to as much as free time as he gets, to use as you please.
I feel exhausted reading this - but I hate parties.

WillyWonkaBlues · 14/10/2023 17:04

He’s not grown up. You need to start laying down the law and saying absolutely no, you will not be doing xyz and neither will your child who needs family time and rest.

Original poster
TeddynIzzy · 14/10/2023 17:05

Couldyounot · 14/10/2023 17:02

If someone kept making plans for me it would drive me round the bend. Does he actually check with you first or does he assume you're OK with whatever it is?

It depends, sometimes he tells me months in advance and I’ll say something like “oh let’s see how the calendar fills up” and he takes that as a promise we will do it.
Other times it’s “oh but you get on well with so and so” like yes I do but I also get on well with my sofa and a take away!!

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 14/10/2023 17:07

He is incredibly inconsiderate and selfish.

You need to agree some ground rules that are fair to you both.

3luckystars · 14/10/2023 17:07

You will just have to grasp the nettle and say it to him.

Get a calendar for a very prominent place in your kitchen and block off weekends with ‘no appointments, family weekend’ so he can visually see it.

Whattodowithit88 · 14/10/2023 17:08

I would love that! I have the opposite problem!!! Go nowhere, do nothing, unless I initiate it, would be nice to be whisked away somewhere for the day that I haven’t had to plan.

maybe we could rotate husbands monthly?? Hehe.

Gymmum82 · 14/10/2023 17:09

Get a joint google calendar and start to block off your time. Fair enough plans that have been made months in advance but then you can see them and organise the rest of your week accordingly then everyone knows what’s happening and no nasty surprises

TomatoSandwiches · 14/10/2023 17:11

No one makes plans for me except me, I wouldn't stand for that alone tbh.

I can understand him wanting to do all these things but they need to be spaced out and or equal consideration to things you want to do.

SpoonerChasm · 14/10/2023 17:19

Stop letting him dictate what happens. He's being very selfish. How much time does he spend parenting alone when you're out with your friends? Not much I imagine. He sees you as the default parent. This won't change unless you address it now, you will just become resentful and once that happens it will be very hard to salvage your relationship.

JFDIYOLO · 14/10/2023 17:58

Absolutely agree with calendar suggestion - get a huge physical wall calendar and block off certain days / weekends / evenings with Family Time / Date Night / Movie night in etc, refer to it with him every day so it's always in his face and get used to saying No.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 14/10/2023 18:03

You sound very passive, to be honest.

And he sounds like he's doing everything he can to avoid being a parent. And a husband.

Sorry.

QuietDragon · 14/10/2023 18:10

If this was my husband, I would be asking him why he was so keen on avoiding me and our child.

violetcuriosity · 14/10/2023 18:10

This isn't ok- he needs to respect your child's routine and your own needs.

Stomacharmeleon · 14/10/2023 18:41

Can't you just say one weekend a month- for example- no plans at all. Or compromise.
I like the idea of having a joint diary and blocking weekends out.
I am tired just reading what you are up to. I used to be a bit like this when my children were younger, they honestly did too much.
I regret it now. Having some down time would have been preferable for all!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 14/10/2023 18:57

He's incredibly selfish.
He's taking no account of yours or DD's needs. No wonder she's not sleeping well when she's taken out to be with unfamiliar people when she most needs routine and security and you need time to relax and spend time as a family
You do need to tell him this as bluntly as possible otherwise nothing will change and you'll resent him
Your wishes count too

Cherrysoup · 14/10/2023 19:30

He's acting like he's still single. Has he no concept that your 2 year old needs a routine and will be grumpy if she doesn't get her naps/sleeps and that he can't just tell you what's happening? Where is the compromise/family/down time?

43ontherocksporfavor · 14/10/2023 19:33

Sounds like he’s still got his child free head on. Have an open chat about being a family and having some down time at least a couple of weekends a month.

kopitiamgal · 14/10/2023 19:35

TeddynIzzy · 14/10/2023 16:58

Care to expand?
Seems like an extreme response to there being too many plans.

Show quote history

It's not the plan. It's the acting like a single dude and having zero understanding of the impact being a parent has on you, his wife doing the brunt of it...

Letitgonowgr · 14/10/2023 19:48

Sounds like you need to actually make plans and tell him you’re out on so and so date?! You’re letting him make the plans…

WonderingAboutBabies · 14/10/2023 20:10

You need to have a proper chat about this. Sharing calendars is a good idea. Also making a 'rota' of sorts to ensure you both have equal amounts of time to see friends/do hobbies each week/month. Maybe agree to 2 weekends a month as family time, the other 2 can be split equally between both of you to do your own thing.

Tbh, if hubby wasn't open to compromise/changes, I'd be rethinking the relationship.

Tigger1895 · 14/10/2023 20:24

You need to sit down with him and say/show exactly what you said here.
You are struggling with the constant decisions he is making and your child is suffering as her routine is constantly being interrupted.
He needs to be told any days/nights out should be discussed and that you will not be turning up at an event just because “he” said you’d be there.
Also him making plans to do something on Friday that changes your schedule needs more notice than he seems to be giving you, he is a father/husband and not a single man
Unless you talk to him nothing will change and you will become resentful and unfortunately the first comment may prove to be true as he’s making decisions for you without any input from you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread