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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with in laws?

90 replies

TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 15:04

Will try to keep details as brief as possible. We have been invited on a holiday abroad next year with my in laws and I really don't want to go. The holiday would be paid for by them, we would just need to pay for flights and some spending money.

Ever since the birth of our first child I have found them more and more unbearable. My MIL is very overbearing and treats my DS like it's her baby- she has even referred to him excitedly as my baby. We clash a lot over things like weaning, screen time etc.

I have nothing in common with them and their idea of a holiday is to drink heavily and lay by the pool getting sunburnt all day. I don't drink due to health reasons and like to explore local culture etc. My FIL is not as overbearing as my MIL but can be emotionally manipulative and volatile.

Since giving birth I have also suffered with severe anxiety and PND which I am receiving counselling for but the idea of having to travel abroad with a toddler seems incredibly stressful.

Basically AIBU to deny my DH a nice holiday with his family even though I'll be miserable the whole time??

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 14/10/2023 15:56

You don't have to do the same as them every day.
It's perfectly usual for an excited grandmother to talk about "her baby". It doesn't mean she literally thinks it's her baby.
You don't have to go.

FloofCloud · 14/10/2023 15:57

I'd go on the proviso that we had a room somewhere else in the hotel, that you're hiring a car and going on excursions, and you'll meet them for dinner some Nights .. it'll be easy to make an excuse to not stay out late as you'd need to get your child off to sleep

cartagenagina · 14/10/2023 15:59

No, I categorically wouldn’t go.

Obviously DH can go without you if he wants.

Talapia · 14/10/2023 16:00

Well DH can go can't he ! Even better send him with your toddler.

Your child will be exposed to many viewpoints and experiences as they grow. You cannot control this.
As long as your DH and in-laws are capable of looking after your toddler, make the most of a week of you time.

Original poster

TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 16:03

Thanks for the replies everyone! DH and DC going without me isn't really an option as I would worry the whole time about my DS and DH going alone would cause a big argument and lots of awkwardness!

It sounds terrible but if my in-laws were different people I would try to overcome my concern over how stressful travelling would be and make the best of a bad situation. My DH would like to go just for some sunshine but he's also reluctant to tell his parents no.

If we wanted a family day to ourselves they would be offended, it's hard to explain just how overbearing they can be without giving too much away.

I have told him it's basically my idea of hell and that I really don't want to go.

Tempted to agree to go just once and then if it's completely awful I can put my foot down with DH the next time they suggest a family holiday.

OP posts:

DisforDarkChocolate · 14/10/2023 16:06

Your mental health doesn't sound like it's up to this holiday.

Say no, your husband is old enough to realise his wife and son come before his mother.

nc10q924870148u12q · 14/10/2023 16:12

What is your actual AIBU?
YANBU to not want to holiday with ILs. YABU to deny your husband the holiday.

I wouldn't want to holiday with my IL's. They're not as bad as yours. But I can't fully relax and be myself around them. A/L is precious and I'm not going to spend it with my guard up just as I do all day at work. That's reason enough for me.

DeliaOwens · 14/10/2023 16:14

OP. We had a similar situation when mine were both under 3y/o. Like you PiL have very differing styles and I also have Gen Anxiety Disorder, and my calming rituals involve keeping things neat. (My MiL is not neat) As we were in a villa, we had no 'own' space outside of the bedroom and I found it really really hard.
Honestly, think very hard and ask yourself, truthfully, if you don't want to go because you will find it next to impossible because of annoying habits , or do you not want to go because you don't like them.

If you can honestly say their habits or daily rituals will make you miserable and leave you very anxious, you must protect your mental health at all costs

Original poster

TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 16:15

Yes this is my main concern as they are already very overbearing amd never respect our boundaries. I used to think they were just being generous by offering to pay for things but there seems to be a lot of strings attached which I why refuse to lend money off them for a house depoait.

OP posts:

Original poster

TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 16:22

Would be happy for DH to just go but he wouldn't want to go without me and ILs would be very unhappy.

OP posts:

sandyhappypeople · 14/10/2023 16:26

TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 16:03

Thanks for the replies everyone! DH and DC going without me isn't really an option as I would worry the whole time about my DS and DH going alone would cause a big argument and lots of awkwardness!

If we wanted a family day to ourselves they would be offended, it's hard to explain just how overbearing they can be without giving too much away.

I have told him it's basically my idea of hell and that I really don't want to go.

Tempted to agree to go just once and then if it's completely awful I can put my foot down with DH the next time they suggest a family holiday.

DH going alone would cause a big argument and lots of awkwardness!

why would it?

underneaththeash · 14/10/2023 16:31

It depends on if you’d like to go away with your own family at some point.
you can’t ask DH to come with yours if you won’t go with his.
As PP just go and do your own thing.

autiebooklover · 14/10/2023 16:31

If you do decide to go book a few day trips without telling them in advance and go to the beach a couple of times.

BettyPhuckzer · 14/10/2023 16:32

The only option to keep everyone BUT YOU happy is for you all to go on holiday

I think you should set a precedent and you, DH and child do not go. Ever

Suck up the parents in law displeasure

It will pass eventually

Splitscreened · 14/10/2023 16:39

I don’t see why it’s a big deal to just say no thanks, not our idea of a good time? I’m quite fond of my ILs, though my MIL is also tactless and overbearing, and she’s been trying to get us to go on holiday with them for years. I just say ‘God, no — we have very different ideas of a holiday!’ or ‘That would be my idea of hell.’ If pressed, I would elaborate on my idea of a good holiday, which is either a long-distance walking trail, or a major Italian city where I do nothing but look at art from morning to night till I’m half-blind and exhausted by the end of a week. This makes them relieved.

MardiLisa · 14/10/2023 16:42

"If we wanted a family day to ourselves they would be offended, it's hard to explain ..."

I think a lot of us will be able to relate to this. But, there is no way round this if you are ever going to get a family day to yourselves. You're going to have to fight this battle if you are ever going to get some space to yourselves. You might as well offend them now as put up with it for years on end and then inevitably end up offending them anyway.

If your husband doesn't back you up on establishing some boundaries for you as a family unit, then as MN is so prone to find, you have a husband problem.

Mummy08m · 14/10/2023 16:50

CurlewKate · 14/10/2023 15:56

You don't have to do the same as them every day.
It's perfectly usual for an excited grandmother to talk about "her baby". It doesn't mean she literally thinks it's her baby.
You don't have to go.

It's perfectly usual for an excited grandmother to talk about "her baby"

Is it?! Maybe this is a regional thing or something because I've never come across this and I would think it's at best very odd, at worst something akin to a creepy horror film.

Original poster

TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 16:53

I don't think it should be a big deal at all- my family is so chilled and laid back in comparison- but my FIL tends to kick off if we say no or ask him to respect a boundary regarding our DS.

OP posts:

BeeCucumber · 14/10/2023 16:55

Your in-laws happiness is not your concern. Say no or you will expected to go every year. Getting drunk by a pool is one way to spend your holiday - but it’s not for everyone. IME, having a toddler - days out and coming home to your own bed is far more preferable.

pikkumyy77 · 14/10/2023 17:02

TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 16:03

Thanks for the replies everyone! DH and DC going without me isn't really an option as I would worry the whole time about my DS and DH going alone would cause a big argument and lots of awkwardness!

If we wanted a family day to ourselves they would be offended, it's hard to explain just how overbearing they can be without giving too much away.

I have told him it's basically my idea of hell and that I really don't want to go.

Tempted to agree to go just once and then if it's completely awful I can put my foot down with DH the next time they suggest a family holiday.

Just say no. Protect your little family from these controlling boors. Ignore pisters who pretend not to know how unpleasant some MIL/FIL can be when they think they have paid for their grandparent experience and your independent existence frustrates that. Perhaps other posters have never been under the thumb, or within the area of control, of aggressively selfish family but you have and you know what you know. Don’t be confused and backtrack and deny your own experience. You are a grown woman snd the mother of your own little family. You absolutely can decide “this is not the holiday for me” for any reason and no reason. You don’t have to compromise and make yourself miserable to prove a point.

Sarah2891 · 14/10/2023 17:04

Don't go. Better to put your foot down now otherwise this will always be an issue. No point being miserable on holiday.

Original poster

TiredandWornoutFTM · 14/10/2023 17:09

@pikkumyy77 Thank you so much. My mother was v.controlling as well and the realisation that I've married into that sort of family dynamic is really difficult.

OP posts:

Gymnopedie · 14/10/2023 17:12

Oysterbabe · 14/10/2023 15:11

You wouldn't have to spend the whole time with them and they can babysit in the evening so you can go out for dinner.

Babysitting after they've been drinking all day???

CurlewKate · 14/10/2023 17:22

Agree-then get a strategic illness. Your dp and the children can go- you get a peaceful week. Win-win.

qwerty123454 · 14/10/2023 17:30

I've been away with the IL's and some of their extended family for four of the last five years.

I would never have agreed to go the first time if I'd have known it was going to be a yearly thing where pressure gets put on me to go and my DP also doesn't drive.

This year was not good. I had an argument with DP just as we were leaving to go. Every day we got woken up at 5:00am by two different people doing their morning routines and the whole time we were there the MIL was her usually overbearing and general busy body self, getting in everybody's business and bossing people around.

I had an awful five nights sleep. The drive home was bad and took four hours. When we got home we had a huge row. Easily the biggest we've ever had in 15+ years together.

I have vowed not to go again. Next year has already been booked. I've told DP I don't want to go. I feel your pain OP, don't go and don't be pressured like I am. I don't enjoy any of it and I just don't want to go ever again

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