To think my therapist exaggerates about my mum?

[Nubnut]

Has anyone who is in therapy have experiences where it feels a bit like they’re being read a script about parents and they feel they want to tone things down a bit? About how negligent or rubbish their parents were?

Do you have any tips about how to get the conversation back on track?

She’s painting a picture of my mum that I don’t recognise. My mum has been painful to live with in not being good at listening to me, and playing the victim whenever I’ve got upset about something, and poor communication in general. But she’s also incredibly caring and loving and has her heart in the right place. I feel like my therapist is so used to awful traumatic situations that she’s not able to deal with a more ‘normal’ upbringing. Which it’s still useful to unpack to learn about yourself and be stronger at dealing with life.

On the other hand, maybe my therapist is onto something and I’m trying to play it down to unconsciously take the blame or because I’m always feeling guilty about her… so meta and confusing!

Would I be unreasonable to say really bluntly, “look it feels a bit like you’re laying all the blame on my mum, I don’t think that’s helpful as I think it’s always a two way thing?”

I guess she’s just trying to help me feel less guilty though and place some of the blame elsewhere, and the parents are always in for it!

It's impossible to say without the details.

People are programmed to defend their loved ones even when they are awful (love is blind and all that) so you wouldn't be the first person to be defensive or not prepared to accept that your mum isn't as great as you think.

It's reasonable to ask what you can do to change the dynamic, especially if the same pattern repeats. I don't think it's always a 2 way thing at all. You can't change other people's behaviour and some people won't/can't change their ways. Do you think that abused people can change their abuser?

Not sure it's normal for people to play the victim - DARVO is abusive behaviour but you know the specifics so have a better idea with regards to how bad she is.

I think it would be helpful for you to discuss this with your therapist. You could say exactly what you've said here - that you don't recognise your mum as being like this. Maybe your therapist has got the wrong end of the stick, or maybe your therapist has seen something you haven't. But if you talk to her about this it might help you work out which it is. We can't really say based on what you've said here.

She might have hit the wrong end of the stick, or you might be trying to take the blame, or (and if she’s a good therapist most likely) she’s not trying to apportion blame at all but rather to set out one way of looking at things for you to consider and respond to. Putting things one way (it’s all your mums fault) can be a good way to get you thinking whether you agree and if not then why not- it helps you refine your feelings about it all by giving you something to set them against. So it’s fine to say where you don’t agree, that’s part of the process.

I’ve had this a bit with my therapist she described trauma in my childhood. I got upset and said my parents are good people and mean well and that I felt guilty about talking about where things had gone wrong in my childhood.

So maybe say this to your therapist. Mine was really good about it and said even good people sometimes don’t know what to do in some situations and reassured me that my parents aren’t bad people. So I’d just say be honest how all the talking about your parents is making you feel.

Therapists can bring their own biases to sessions or maybe you are in denial about the situation. However, they only know what you tell them, so exploring the nuances more might enable the therapist to get a clearer picture. I suspect they are reflecting back what you are saying, and if it doesn't feel right to you, then you need to say why. Ultimately if you feel the sessions aren't working for you, you can try a different therapist.

Also remember your therapist isn’t there to say objectively who was right or wrong- they know that they are hearing only one side of the story and that things are complex. Their job is to help you process your feelings about what happened. So when she talks about your mum, it’s less that she thinks that’s objectively what she was like and more that she is presenting a way of looking at her for you to think about.

Just a thought - it's not always a two way thing. Sometimes one side is the side that is wrong/behaving badly/abusive/etc and the other person is a totally innocent victim. I'm not saying that's what's going on here, but you might want to take a look at why you think things are always a two way thing, and see if that idea is affecting your perceptions of your mother's actions.

The problem is certain types of people become therapist- and some of these can not separate their own experiences.

I haven't been in therapy but through a role I've been party to hundreds of different people going through therapy. Sometimes it is the therapist that really needs the therapy. Sometimes they get it completely wrong, they are human and bring their own interpretation to a wooly situation.

Also do they have actual qualifications? It is very easy to set up without any form or regulation.

*autocorrect

I spent years defending my parents, my mother was a good woman, she worked in a caring career, she saved people’s lives, I’d seen it, she would defend me at school against bully teachers, she might have have her faults but her heart was always in the right place… Well it took many many years for me to come to terms with the truth, my mother was a narcissist, I was her favourite victim, she made me feel like everything was my fault, I wasn’t good enough, I’d imagine slights and put downs, the list goes on. To the outside world she has one image to me another. My DF was an amazing man, 100s turned up for his funeral so many people thought I was the luckiest person to have a DF they all wanted. The reality was he was my mothers biggest enabler, as long as he wasn’t her target he never protected me.

Id had various therapists but in the end I found other people in similar situations who helped and supported me to discover the truth myself. Each day I’m still discovering parts of childhood trauma I’d blocked or thought was just normal parenting.

it took me years to discover that my mother caused me truama. I defended her to the last. After therapy I realised she was abusive. But it this way...would you treat your own kids the way your Mum has treated you?

This is so sad to read. I accept that there are extreme cases where people have appalling parents but the rest of us just had parents who did some things that affected us or whose personalities were a bit damaged.

But what is the benefit of therapists turning everyone against their mother as a go-to part of therapy?

More and more people are feeling hard done by because they had normal parents who had to juggle housework, childcare, work, the extended family and their own baggage from their own childhoods. IMHO, therapy should be remedial, not create chips for shoulders

That’s uncanny I was literally tempted to start a similar thread based on my experiences of people who have had therapy.

My best friend, who is the most wonderful person, presumably not perfect, is devastated that her daughter’s therapist has said that she was emotionally unavailable for her daughter immediately after the period where her other daughter had killed herself. You don’t say? And all the remaining daughter’s problems and hang ups are basically my friend’s fault.

Another friend has said that she hadn’t realised all her problems were down to her mother. She’s not convinced they are actually but this is where therapy is heading for her.

Of course, some parents act shamefully and should not be anywhere near children. But some of us are doing our best, juggling life and work, elderly parents, kids with problems and sometimes mental health issues and/ or disabilities. It really does seem that therapists may be biased and cause huge problems between mothers and children. All of us are just doing the best we can.

Of course I wish at times I could have done things differently. I’m sure we’d all be dream parents now, 20 odd years later if we had our time again.

Yes, the above comment has made me see that I didn’t mean that everything is a two way thing (it’s not, when there is abuse it is not a two way thing, abusers have several victims and do the same thing to all of them regardless). But that people do things in context, and that context is called LIFE, and it’s tough especially in life situations like the one described above.

There has been a push towards trauma informed practice over the last few years which is brilliant for some people, in that it recognises how the way organisations run can retraumatise people. However, there is currently a bit of a backlash against this because people (especially those who are a bit new to it all) are seeing and attributing trauma in everything.

I think it’s healthy to be open with your therapist and see what she says. If it’s not working then maybe a different therapist

@Nubnut
You seem like a lovely, level headed person who appreciates your mum has faults and has probably made mistakes but is also a good person.
It’s hard to unravel our childhoods and our experiences isn’t it, I wish you well x

Interesting comment about the trauma approach. My DD is autistic with high anxiety and OCD and I have started to worry that her therapist is trying to explore childhood trauma with her. I don’t think it is helping. Her problems are much more related to how she is coping with the world around her as a teen and I think she is looking for something that doesn’t exist.

You will notice that it's always mums that are blamed, rarely dads unless they are full on abusive. Mums are blamed for not being nice all the time, not saying the right things, not listening, not being available- so basically not perfect people who were doing their best, in a lot of cases. I am not talking about neglect or abuse, to be clear, just ordinary people doing an ordinary job of parenting. Dads are never berated for not listening, spending enough time, not saying the right things and not being nice all the time.

It's shit being a mum when your child enters therapy or any MH treatment, the scrutiny you will be under is intense and it may well be implied or even stated that both the cause of the problem and the solution lies with you.

I have had this with MH therapy and my dd, luckily we are close, but not unrealistic about my failings! I mean, not being a perfect person I'm fine with apologising I wasn't great at times. Don't see queues of dads being dragged into therapy sessions to say sorry though.

How experienced is your therapist? What are her qualifications? Has she done a short course or is has she done a Masters as well as a degree and supervised practise?
What kind of therapy does she practise- there are different theories all with their own biases or perspective.
All these questions are a way to look at what is happening.

They say there are three sides, their side, your side and the truth. All of us have to make sense of the world and our place in it. I find as my kids get older I have more understanding of my parents’ actions. You don’t have to believe her narrative.

I don’t know about your situation, but I had a counsellor when I was much younger that was convinced that the cause of my issues was having a half brother. One that I got on well with, on the whole our families both got on well and it was very amicable. But she always tried to make every problem lead back to him! Only saw her a few times as it was so ridiculous. I only mentioned him as I was explaining my family support system! I think they can definitely have biases of their own but without knowing your exact situation, it’s hard to say if that’s what is happening here.

See I don't think it has to be about blame but understanding.
@Lovesocksie take your example, whilst of course your friend was emotionally unable at what must have been the worst time in her life. But I can also see how having an emotionally unavailable parent at the time when you lose your sister could cause someone to form unhealthy coping mechanisms and world view. That doesn't mean your friend is at fault she almost certainly was doing her best in awful circumstances. But it also doesn't mean that her actions didn't have an impact on her DD and the way she perceived herself and moves through the world.

Both my parents generally don't want to intentionally hurt me, they love me and want me to be happy I think. But both are emotionally immature and it means I have grown up with unhealthy strategies and poor self esteem which I am working hard to explore and address. I don't blame them, there isn't intentionality in their behaviours and I can understand why they are the way they are, but it also doesn't mean it hasn't affected me and that I don't need to understand that to help me move through it.

*unavailable

I know nothing about this subject and have found this thread so interesting. There seems an obsession with linking everything to trauma rather than what is happening currently.

My sister-in-law’s marriage nearly broke up due to comments from her (experienced) therapist relating to her husband and brother. It took years to repair these relationships.

So, yes, I do feel that some therapist can “latch” onto certain factors and miss the bigger picture.

Good post @Tinkeytonkoldfruit. Most parents want to do their best and have decent intentions. That doesn’t mean things don’t happen that affect the children.