To think my therapist exaggerates about my mum?

[Nubnut]

Has anyone who is in therapy have experiences where it feels a bit like they’re being read a script about parents and they feel they want to tone things down a bit? About how negligent or rubbish their parents were?

Do you have any tips about how to get the conversation back on track?

She’s painting a picture of my mum that I don’t recognise. My mum has been painful to live with in not being good at listening to me, and playing the victim whenever I’ve got upset about something, and poor communication in general. But she’s also incredibly caring and loving and has her heart in the right place. I feel like my therapist is so used to awful traumatic situations that she’s not able to deal with a more ‘normal’ upbringing. Which it’s still useful to unpack to learn about yourself and be stronger at dealing with life.

On the other hand, maybe my therapist is onto something and I’m trying to play it down to unconsciously take the blame or because I’m always feeling guilty about her… so meta and confusing!

Would I be unreasonable to say really bluntly, “look it feels a bit like you’re laying all the blame on my mum, I don’t think that’s helpful as I think it’s always a two way thing?”

I guess she’s just trying to help me feel less guilty though and place some of the blame elsewhere, and the parents are always in for it!

I feel you on this.

I have had some therapy over the years for various reasons including pet grief and every time the therapist tries to blame my absent father. And it’s really boring and I immediately loose interest.

For context I’m in my 30’s my parents divorced when I was about 3 months old, I have never met my father but I was raised by my wonderful mum, Nan and later awesome step dad. So I honestly, genuinely never missed out. So I don’t appreciate every therapist harping on about daddy issues 😒🙄

Why are you always feeling guilty about your mum when you say she has been painful to live with, is not good at listening to you, plays the victim whenever you’ve got upset about something, and her communication is poor?

You say she has her heart in the right place but I wonder if she genuinely does. You always feeling guilty suggests emotionally manipulative behaviour on her part. She plays the victim whenever you get upset - emotionally manipulative again, and suggests to me low self esteem where she can't cope with ever being to blame and so is always the victim. She doesn't listen to you - sounds like it's her way or the highway. Poor communication - not sure what that means exactly - she only contacts you when she wants something? She says one thing but means another? You never know what she's thinking or what's going on?

Personally I think your therapist is probably onto something. But it's subtle and it's been your normal your whole life so it doesn't feel traumatic and you just don't realise how dysfunctional it is and how much it has impacted you.

You say it's a two way thing but in what way are you to blame? Maybe the answer is that you're not to blame at all, but your emotionally manipulative mother has so ingrained in you that it's not her fault that you naturally assume everything must be partly your fault?

I only know a few paragraphs about you of course so I might be wrong, but I wouldn't write off your therapist. I would definitely tell her how you feel though, she's a professional so she can take it! You can be completely honest with her, you don't need to walk on eggshells the way (maybe) you feel you sometimes have to with your mother.

Lots of useful ideas for our next appointment, yes yes and yes!
Also it doesn’t hurt to explore something, even if I end up with a more gentle take on it at the end. It’s interesting exploring anger which it not an emotion I find in myself very often.