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Original poster

To contact my counsellor of 20+ years ago?

50 replies

TherapyJunkie · 13/10/2023 21:44

Way back in 2002, I saw a counsellor for several months. She ended our relationship as she felt we had got stuck and that I needed to try someone else.

Now 20+ years later, I’m seeing a therapist and this has come up as something which still affects me. I’ve always wished I could go back and ask this counsellor more about what she felt had gone wrong in our relationship. About 10 years ago, I actually did look into doing this but found she had moved on from the place where I used to see her.

My current therapist has said I could still go looking for her now if I want. I was very surprised as didn’t think she’d remember me after all this time, let alone what the particular issues were that we talked about. She wouldn’t even be obliged to have kept my notes this long. Yet my current therapist says they generally do remember.

What do you think? Would I be unreasonable to do this?

OP posts:
legalseagull · 13/10/2023 21:46

I think you need to explore why it's so important to you? Why do you think the counsellor had any reason other than the one s/he gave? Do you have a problem letting go or with 'rejection'?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/10/2023 21:46

I'm not sure I would go there. It might not go well, and then you may feel worse about it? I think sometimes in life it's better to accept that we don't know exactly what happened, and make peace with it. Maybe with help from current counsellor?

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 13/10/2023 21:48

I doubt very much that they would remember you I’m afraid.

jiinglebells · 13/10/2023 21:49

Have you thought how you'd feel if she was unable to be contacted or had no recollection of the sessions + ending you had as a client? If it was several months 20 years ago I'm unsure she'd have notes / memories, especially since so long has passed.

In your situation I'd personally rather have my current therapist / counsellor help me work on moving on and dealing with those feelings, rather than letting me indulge myself and investigate them. But that's only because I'd personally never leave the past otherwise!

Dotcheck · 13/10/2023 21:51

OP
She clearly felt she couldn’t move you on. Leave her be

LemonLight · 13/10/2023 21:53

Your old councillor drew a line and ended the relationship. I personally think you should respect her boundary.

fourelementary · 13/10/2023 21:59

As a former counsellor I’d say go for it if you fee it might help… I’d remember you but not necessarily all the details of your issues and maybe would feel that if you found me after all this time I might be a disappointment if I didn’t have a “good enough” reason to help you move on after all this time. It might not even have been about you IYSWIM… maybe the counsellor couldn’t help you move on as they were a bit stuck at that point too. We are only human and believe me- often don’t do what we’d support our clients to do…

Original poster
TherapyJunkie · 13/10/2023 21:59

legalseagull · 13/10/2023 21:46

I think you need to explore why it's so important to you? Why do you think the counsellor had any reason other than the one s/he gave? Do you have a problem letting go or with 'rejection'?

The reason is because I am very fearful now of the same thing happening with my current therapist. We’ve talked about it and it was her idea that I should try to make contact.

Honestly, I agree with the responses here and think she’s a bit nuts.

OP posts:
Leavesofautumn · 14/10/2023 00:11

I actually asked my therapist last week if she ever sees someone and decides not to continue. She said it’s happened occasionally that she’s realised a client is either related to or known to an already existing or past client, but you don’t always realise that until a few weeks in. It would be a conflict of interest or whatever it’s called.

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 14/10/2023 00:15

I really don't think it would be a good idea to do that. I'm quite surprised your current counsellor has suggested it, rather than working through why you feel this way.

theduchessofspork · 14/10/2023 00:18

I think it would be an odd and pointless thing to do. It’s not a personal relationship. She told you at the time - she felt you’d got stuck and needed a change of voice or a break, that’s all. If she remembers or still has notes that all she will be able to say now.

i find it very strange your counsellor is supporting you in this. I think your efforts are better spent figuring out why you have this fear of abandonment. I am pretty sure it will go back to a more meaningful situation that a counsellor you saw briefly. If I were you I’d also reconsider the current one.,

sprigatito · 14/10/2023 00:18

Sometimes therapists do this when they feel that transference is a problem. I think looking her up after twenty years would only confirm that. You need to work through it with your current therapist.

Original poster
TherapyJunkie · 14/10/2023 00:22

sprigatito · 14/10/2023 00:18

Sometimes therapists do this when they feel that transference is a problem. I think looking her up after twenty years would only confirm that. You need to work through it with your current therapist.

How so? You mean like if they fear the client is going to start stalking them or something?

OP posts:
Original poster
TherapyJunkie · 14/10/2023 00:23

Leavesofautumn · 14/10/2023 00:11

I actually asked my therapist last week if she ever sees someone and decides not to continue. She said it’s happened occasionally that she’s realised a client is either related to or known to an already existing or past client, but you don’t always realise that until a few weeks in. It would be a conflict of interest or whatever it’s called.

Edited

This was after around 4 months. So quite a while.

OP posts:
junbean · 14/10/2023 00:38

It sounds like she just made a decision that was best for you. I left the best therapist I ever had because seeing her triggered me over all the stuff we worked on. She was amazing, but like yours said I got stuck. I had been seeing her for over a year at least, twice weekly for 1.5hrs each. So a lot! We worked through some pretty big things too. I just needed to turn a page and leave what we worked on behind because it was worked to death already. There was nothing wrong with her at all. I wish there were more like her in the world. She even told me I was her favorite client once. But it's my mental health at stake and that comes before anything. It sounds like your therapist did the same thing for you. They might remember but you'd probably get a really dull response like mine. I doubt there's anything deeper to it. I know there's a lot involved when you're that vulnerable with someone though. I feel guilty still for leaving her! Even though we got along so well and she was there for me through so much, in the end she did her job and there's usually an end point to any kind of work or relationship. I don't think it would hurt you to try. Being totally honest it does sound like you're hung up on something you don't need though. It might be healthier to make peace with it and let yourself move on. It might be holding you back in your current treatment. Maybe visualizing how it might go would help. It might be super anticlimactic. They might not remember and maybe that would be hurtful to you? I think it's safe to be confident in their professional opinion that you needed a new chapter, and not move back to old ones.

junbean · 14/10/2023 00:43

Also to add, therapists only have so much they can give, as far as how they've been educated or trained, or just personal skills. They might have felt like they didn't have the skill set and you deserved more. I've seen many therapists and each one offered something different. Some didn't have anything to give at all, no idea why they were even in that job. A really good one makes those types of decisions instead of just floating through sessions whether they are doing good or not. It sounds like your old therapist knew you could get more out of your time and effort and set you free to do that.

silvertoil · 14/10/2023 00:49

No, I don't think stalking them, but starting to view the therapist as someone they're not - eg casting them as a father figure or it could be trying to find out about them as a person and trying to befriend them / cross the boundary of patient / therapist.

sprigatito · 14/10/2023 02:02

No not that they fear being stalked, but that they feel the transference is obstructing the therapeutic relationship and limiting the useful work that can be done within that dynamic. It's really common -some degree of transference is inevitable, and chemistry between people just varies. It would have been a professional decision made in your best interest.

tolerable · 14/10/2023 02:29

wait-2002 was 20 years ago?fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
(sorry.wow)
also.
thats strange professional judgement surely?. Doesnt feel right at all

BabyFireflyx · 14/10/2023 02:56

20 years? Not okay. That's bad advice. Very unlikely to remember you, plus what possible positive experience could you get from doing that?
Remember that this is an actual person, who knows what's happened in her life since, at the time or before. She does not owe you anything. She might not even be working in that role any more.
This is more about you than it is about her.
Leave her alone.
Your issues are your own to work through, to date with any therapist you've got at present. You do not get to intrude upon the life of an impartial person who was employed to try to help you and many others at the same time 20 years ago.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 14/10/2023 03:26

Even if she remembers you I can't imagine what she can say that would put your mind at rest. She already told you her reason, that you were stuck. If she didn't feel she could help you she did the right thing. It's not personal, it's someone not being a good fit, someone can be a good person but you don't fit as friends, someone could be a good therapist but not be right for you. That's what she was saying, she wasn't the therpist you needed then.

I don't know how this affected you at the time, but you did survive and get through it. Your therapist should be working with you on this. No one can say this will never happen so what would make you feel you could cope if it happens again? What worries you specifically about this? Is it losing the therapeutic relationship or not having a therapist or having to once again tell all of your history to a new person or something else?

You could make a plan with your therapist of what to do in case this happens that addresses your specific worries in relation to this. Maybe they know someone they think would be a good fit. Maybe they could take part in the first session with a new therapist by telehealth. Maybe there could be a period where she's still available until you feel comfortable with a new therapist. Maybe you could have a slow transition between them. You need to address the underlying issue.

pikkumyy77 · 14/10/2023 03:35

I think it is really wrong of your current therapist to support looking up your old one. I’m a therapist myself and I would be very happy to hear from my old clients right now, while Im still giving therapy. But after I retire? I’m not so sure.

Second of all people leave therapy for lots of different reasons—stuckness, lack of fit, and success. Its not a judgment on you or her. Its just something that happens. Your then therapist gave you a reason why she felt you would do better moving on from her practice. After 20 years should she break the frame and tell you more of her personal thoughts about the therapy than she thought back then was appropriate?

dudsville · 14/10/2023 03:39

I think it's odd your counselor recommended this!

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 14/10/2023 07:51

I’m not a counsellor but am a mental health professional. There are very few patients that I would remember after 20 years and legally notes don’t have to be kept that long. I would also feel very uneasy about someone contacting me from that long ago (it is a bit stalkery). I had someone contact me about ten years after I worked with him which I was initially very uneasy about but that was just to say thank you and let me know how his life had changed. It’s very odd to me that this new counsellor suggested this. I’d be very dubious about their professionalism based on that.

MichelleScarn · 14/10/2023 08:31

Agree with pp that this doesn't sit well with me, how experienced is current therapist? Are they struggling to bring an end themselves?