To contact my counsellor of 20+ years ago?

[TherapyJunkie]

Way back in 2002, I saw a counsellor for several months. She ended our relationship as she felt we had got stuck and that I needed to try someone else.

Now 20+ years later, I’m seeing a therapist and this has come up as something which still affects me. I’ve always wished I could go back and ask this counsellor more about what she felt had gone wrong in our relationship. About 10 years ago, I actually did look into doing this but found she had moved on from the place where I used to see her.

My current therapist has said I could still go looking for her now if I want. I was very surprised as didn’t think she’d remember me after all this time, let alone what the particular issues were that we talked about. She wouldn’t even be obliged to have kept my notes this long. Yet my current therapist says they generally do remember.

What do you think? Would I be unreasonable to do this?

I also find that advice from your current therapist odd, I'd have thought a healthier approach would be to help you find ways to let go of the past, not go poking around in it for reasons that aren't clear almost a generation later. Are you sure that's what they said?

Not every therapist will be a good match for every client. Do you struggle generally with feeling you need validation in the form of the approval of others, is that the root of it? You can't change the past but you can put foundations in place now to help you have a better future.

I wouldn’t. It’s common for a patient and a therapist to just not be a good match. No one’s fault. I would focus on the reason why this still bothers you 20 years later and work on that.

Can you remember what she said when she ended the relationship?

I think it would be unreasonable to expect her to remember enough about you for this to be useful. even if she 'felt' she remembered - how much do you really remember about a totally random person you worked with briefly 20 years ago - you have dwelled on this she has not

you have dwelled on it because you felt rejected = which is wrong she was just making a professional decision.

She owes you nothing she was not friend or family - please let this go

I can't see how anything she said even if she attempted to remember would be reliable enough to be useful.

Your original therapist made a professional decision in both your best interests - for you and for them. It would be entirely inappropriate to track them down to 'demand' an explanation for following best practice - and, to be honest, would be rather creepy for them to find out that you are fixating upon them.

Perhaps instead of encouraging you to stalk find the therapist, your current one is making the suggestion so that you can decide for yourself that no, that wouldn't be right and come to terms with the original decision? It sounds as though that's the point you are reaching from your posts.

Are you still in therapy for the same reason you were 20+ years ago?

Very unhealthy.
I'd be moving on from your current therapist to someone who helps you rather than turns you into so e weird stalker who can't move on from the professional relationship that was 20years ago

My old therapist remembered me after 20 years. I wrote to her for some reason - I can’t remember why.

i don’t really think you have anything to lose. If you explain that your current therapist advised it she might understand. Being a therapist one would hope that she would be kind and understanding. I would do it via email rather than seeking her out in person unless she offers to meet face to face.

Counsellors can stop seeing a client for many reasons. As they are entitled to their own private life they may not be in a position to give you all the details of why. For example my husband was due to see a physiologist to help him work through a medical diagnosis, but before he got to start his sessions they also received a similar diagnosis. This meant it was no longer appropriate for it to go ahead and he had to see someone else.
So the getting stuck could be as much about her circumstances as yours.

I don’t know what issues op is dealing with and don’t need to, but I am a victim of abuse. Throughout my life so far I have had times when I needed help to deal with the issue. It never goes away and I may need help/someone neutral to talk to about it for the rest of my life.

Now 20+ years later, I’m seeing a therapist and this has come up as something which still affects me. I’ve always wished I could go back and ask this counsellor more about what she felt had gone wrong in our relationship.

Are you someone who ruminates a lot? I can see that could lead to you getting stuck in therapy. This might be worth exploring rather than trying ro contact someone from so long ago to (at best) be told what she told you then.

20 years is a long time, I certainly don't have notes from that far back, they are shredded for confidentiality reasons and unless there was specific reasons I wouldn't be able to meaningfully remember you if you were my client, I may remember names, faces and basics just not ins and outs, which I suspect is what you are looking for.

If a relationship is severed by the counsellor I don't think it is fair to go looking now anyway. I've never ended a client myself so I can't give any insight on that

Your current therapist has poor boundaries if she thinks this is acceptable.

I studied therapy (though don't work as a therapist) and the relationship can end if the therapist thinks you're better suited to another modality, is triggered, or thinks you don't gel - though the last 2 are unusual.

She is very, very experienced. 50s and has done this all her life.

No.

Its really common for some patients to tackle previous therapy wounds as they start a new therapy. Its not surprising for something to still be bothering you 20 years later. But the current therapists job is to help you mourn what you need to mourn and move on. At this remove the person who you are curious about, angry with, longing for is not that person anymore, not in that job anymore, or even ill or dead. Their duty of care to you is long over and they are not obligated to satisfy your needs—nor can they if they are retired or deceased. The proper role for the current therapist is for her to help you come to terms with your shame, confusion, grief or longing for this long ago relationship.

You could still have mentioned a name, place, event, anything that she realises contains some crossover either for her or for one of her clients.

If this is the case she still can't tell you.

Is there a reason why you aren't taking her "we got stuck" reason at face value?

I would focus on using the time with your current therapist to explore this.

Regardless of the reasons your previous therapist terminated the current therapist might terminate as well. For new reasons or for the same reason. I think this is a fact of therapy—and indeed relationships—that you need to accept. Whatever happened 20 years ago is unlikely to happen again but the new therapy , following its own logic, may also terminate. Many of the reasons that a therapy ends prematurely, from the clients point of view, have nothing to do with you and can’t be changed by you (or known to you).
Stuckness and lack of fit.
Discovery of a connection with another client or with the therapist’s social circle.
Change in risk profile.
Change in formulation requires new referral.
Change in therapist’s circumstances/need to shrink practice.
New techniques outside of therapist’s toolkit would be of more utility (e.g. EMDR, IFS. DBT, etc…).

These could all be reasons your current therapist needs to refer you out/end the relationship.?Why are these so scary to you? You are displacing this fear onto the old therapy but they are really about the new one. They are normal hazards of any such relationship.

You and your therapist should address these fears honestly and thoughtfully within the context of the current therapy.
Just say it “I worry that you will terminate my therapy before Im ready for reasons that I won’t be able to accept. Can we have an open discussion about the reasons you, current therapist, might end the therapeutic relationship before I am ready? In your professional opinion is this problem I’m having letting go of the old therapy something I need to work on specifically? Is it a symptom of something or just a minor fixation? Am I using it to avoid other issues?”

This sounds like you have rejection sensitive dysphoria. This isn't about the therapist. I suggest you look into it, sometimes it's prevalent in people with ADHD or neurodiversity so perhaps consider if those are possible, although it can be an issue for anyone who has experienced trauma (particularly in childhood).

I do have this, yes. It’s something we’ve talked about quite a lot.

I'm with those who think that what your current therapist has suggested is really wrong. I'm surprised a therapist would suggest it tbh.

Your gut feel was that this isn't the right thing to do, and I think your gut is right here.

Please don't - respect their boundaries. This would be really inappropriate to do. She is a professional that offered you a service, she does not owe explanations after 20 years.

I agree with those who think your ex therapist’s decision was a professional one. It could have been harmful had she allowed the therapy to continue

I understand your curiosity, as sometimes uncertainly can be incredibly hard, but I also question your current therapist’s stand on this

I have known some therapists who have been practising for years who have made some batshit suggestions to clients. If she is a good fit in other ways, she may be the right therapist for you, but this definitely needs exploring with her

I think this is highly unethical behaviour of your current therapist and would be very, very wary of anyone who supposedly qualified who advises this. In the UK, these are not protected titles, so people have differing levels of training and experience, but if they are a member of a professional body they should be adhering to an ethical code.

Your previous counsellor gave you a reason. For some reason it has been hard for you to accept. That needs to be what you focus on, not trying hunt someone down. I would be finding a properly qualified therapist too.

I would also be looking at a new therapist if they recommend something as unethical as this.