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Original poster

My husband lied about debt

34 replies

Worriedmother22 · 12/10/2023 21:01

Hi everyone, my husband lied to me about quite a bit of debt that he had lead me to believe was paid off.
He has always been very stubborn about not wanting to have completely joint accounts, so we made an agreement that if his wages went into our account he could keep his own accounts and take an agreed sum each week out.

We also at the time did a debt transfer for his credit card, and he was meant to have closed the original card account and pay off the card slowly on a low interest 2 year period. But he never closed his original card and now it is maxed out again and we still have some to pay off the original debt transfer, and he also has an overdraft debit card with more debt. He also has another credit card and account from overseas which I have no idea what is on it and he won’t tell me.

What has upset me the most is that he has lied to me when asked directly about that credit card saying that nothing was on it.

I have put my foot down and said if he can’t be o transparent and combine everything and work together to pay off any debt then I don’t want to continue in the marriage.

But I am feeling so anxious as he has flat refused to do this, and says that I just want to control everything and that his debt it’s not my problem. Even though we have been together 10 years and are married, with a mortgage. he said he would rather divorce than be transparent with me around finances. I have said even keeping his own accounts he would need to show me monthly and we work together to pay things off, but he won’t even agree to this.

Complicating this is that we have two small children with one on the way. Which I would never have gotten pregnant with if i had known about this.

Am I over reacting? Should I really break up my family over this?
I am so scared to be a single mum of 3, with a newborn. I think financially once things shake out I should be able to afford to get a house of my own just will take a while to sort this mess out and split everything. I don’t want to talk to my family as I am embarrassed that my husband would treat me like this. I guess I just need advice am I overreacting?

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 12/10/2023 21:02

Do you know where the debt is coming from? Ie what’s he spending money on?

MissConductUS · 12/10/2023 21:03

I would say you are not being unreasonable, and if he's being this secretive, there is more debt you don't know about.

motherissueshelp · 12/10/2023 21:09

Hi OP, I can understand why you're upset and thinking of your future.

My partner and I have had debt in our time which we each took our own responsibility for but we always knew how much and also that it didn't impact day to day finances. Once paid off it was done.

Are you having to make up any family money shortfalls because his wages are going towards these debts? Do you realistically see him paying them off promptly as so not accrue so much interest? Does he seem concerned about them?

The amount of debt is important as if you ever need to move house and remortgage this will all be taken into account so it's really worth trying to work out a debt solution plan to become debt free asap.

If he isn't sharing the full picture with you then it's not good. This does affect you and your children. I would try again to talk with him calmly and work as a team but if that fails then yes it might be better for you to get a clean break.

Edwardbear1 · 12/10/2023 21:09

Could it be gambling or drugs?

i’d leave- I couldn’t cope with the lies

motherissueshelp · 12/10/2023 21:11

I would also add that I don't like joint accounts and always want separate but again it's about trust and transparency

Condo · 12/10/2023 21:11

What the hell is he spending this money on?!

marriednotdead · 12/10/2023 21:16

The irony is that if you were to divorce, he would have to fully disclose his finances to you and the court!

Mmhmmn · 12/10/2023 21:23

It’s a shame he’s refusing to be honest and transparent about it.
IDK about your relationship, only you know if you want to accept it or not, but can you encourage him to seek debt advice from a professional organisation to check he knows what all the options are and the best ones?
if he won’t involve you the only thing you can do is decide whether it’s a deal breaker. He won’t be the first or last guy to hide debt. Is he embarrassed /ashamed about it, is that what’s driving his insistence on not involving you even now you know more than you did before?

HamSandwichKiller · 12/10/2023 21:34

I don't think you have choice but to split. He's clearly not planning to change any of his behaviour or be transparent. You have no reason to trust him. However I'd consider timing in your shoes. Totally reasonable to wait on the baby being born if that's what you need to do. Just don't start thinking anything has changed unless you see bank statements etc to back it up.

IslaWinds · 12/10/2023 21:40

YANBU, if it’s a deal breaker for you, it is a deal breaker. I completely agree that lying about debt is a betrayal of your trust. I don’t think you have anything to be embarrassed about, it’s not your fault your husband has been concealing debt and even after caught refusing to do anything to rebuild the trust he shattered. Your family should be supportive of you. It would be wise to tell them before he poisons them with his version of events.

However, as you do not know the extent of the debts, you cannot be certain that you will get enough in the financial settlement to buy a house. I would gather copies of account statements of every account you know about and seek legal advice.

Confusedmeanderings · 12/10/2023 21:41

I don't think you have any choice. It isn't
really about the debt, it's about trust. If he can't be open with you about this, what else is he going to hide?

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/10/2023 21:45

If he won't be honest there is no point in sharing finances, he's just getting you into debt.

vipersnest1 · 12/10/2023 21:48

You need to tell him straight out that as you are married, it is a joint debt and you are entitled to know about it.
If he still won't disclose, then it's time to separate anyway - you can't trust him (I think you already know that) and he is putting your family's financial future at risk.
It's not a basis for a good or healthy marriage, sorry.

Original poster
Worriedmother22 · 12/10/2023 22:03

No not gambling and drugs I suspect he may still be smoking though. I have looked through his transactions, mostly seems frittered away with like 30-40 dollars on lunches and ??? Cigarettes which he lies and says he doesn’t smoke. But I have my suspicions due to $40 here and there being spent at a liquor land and I know he doesn’t drink alcohol. And $40 at a dairy where you would be hard pressed to spend $40 unless wasn’t on cigarettes. I hate smoking so he wouldn’t want to tell me about this.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 12/10/2023 22:10

Sorry OP but marriage is about complete transparency and trust. You should be one unit.

This is not a marriage. He is lying and hiding truths from you.

Get yourself and your children out of it before he drags you all into a bottomless pit.

Original poster
Worriedmother22 · 12/10/2023 22:10

We have a lot of equity in our house so it’s pretty doubtful he would have that much debt. Even paying off the current debt we would have a lot of equity left. It seems the only debt I don’t know is a credit card from overseas. Otherwise I have looked at his account and know exactly what it is here. I defiantly wouldn’t be paying with my share any of his overseas debt, which he would agree on. He is likely to be very generous with any settlement, I know that much about him. If we focused together we could easily be debt free in a year. It’s more the lying about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedmother22 · 12/10/2023 22:14

I am super lucky my family is very supportive and defiantly would support me fully. There is no chance of him poisoning them nor would he thank goodness. He’s not a horrible person if anything he does these sorts of things as not to worry me thinking he will sort it out and I will never know. But obviously that backfired. The only thing I am struggling with is the continued refusal to be transparent in the future and i now know I can’t trust him when I ask.

OP posts:
morag1234 · 12/10/2023 22:21

How much debt is he in?

I don't think I'd split my family up over that. Yes, he's lied but it could be a worse lie.

workworkworkugh · 12/10/2023 22:51

You think he'd be pretty generous regarding any settlement but this is from a man who would rather divorce than be honest and transparent with you.

Surely he couldn't be in that much debt over smoking either, especially if he can't smoke at home as he's hiding it from you. That's a lot of cigarettes!

I would struggle to trust him again after this.

Snugglemonkey · 12/10/2023 23:03

You cannot trust him. Is it OK to be with someone you cannot trust?

IslaWinds · 12/10/2023 23:57

I’m sorry OP, but I have seen divorce turn once loving couples into bitter enemies that will stoop to any level to hurt their soon to be ex. I hope if you do divorce that it will be amicable, just understand his current treatment of you is more likely to get worse than to stay the same.

Original poster
Worriedmother22 · 13/10/2023 00:45

About 12k

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 13/10/2023 00:49

That can’t just be cigarettes. And why a foreign credit card?

MariaLuna · 13/10/2023 00:51

my husband lied to me about quite a bit of debt that he had lead me to believe was paid off.

In my world that would be instant reasons for divorce.

Sorry OP you are going through this.

MariaLuna · 13/10/2023 00:57

It seems the only debt I don’t know is a credit card from overseas.

You need to get on the ball.

I don't know anyone with a "credit card from overseas"

Good that you posted and hopefully people will be along to help you.