My husband lied about debt

[Worriedmother22]

Hi everyone, my husband lied to me about quite a bit of debt that he had lead me to believe was paid off.
He has always been very stubborn about not wanting to have completely joint accounts, so we made an agreement that if his wages went into our account he could keep his own accounts and take an agreed sum each week out.

We also at the time did a debt transfer for his credit card, and he was meant to have closed the original card account and pay off the card slowly on a low interest 2 year period. But he never closed his original card and now it is maxed out again and we still have some to pay off the original debt transfer, and he also has an overdraft debit card with more debt. He also has another credit card and account from overseas which I have no idea what is on it and he won’t tell me.

What has upset me the most is that he has lied to me when asked directly about that credit card saying that nothing was on it.

I have put my foot down and said if he can’t be o transparent and combine everything and work together to pay off any debt then I don’t want to continue in the marriage.

But I am feeling so anxious as he has flat refused to do this, and says that I just want to control everything and that his debt it’s not my problem. Even though we have been together 10 years and are married, with a mortgage. he said he would rather divorce than be transparent with me around finances. I have said even keeping his own accounts he would need to show me monthly and we work together to pay things off, but he won’t even agree to this.

Complicating this is that we have two small children with one on the way. Which I would never have gotten pregnant with if i had known about this.

Am I over reacting? Should I really break up my family over this?
I am so scared to be a single mum of 3, with a newborn. I think financially once things shake out I should be able to afford to get a house of my own just will take a while to sort this mess out and split everything. I don’t want to talk to my family as I am embarrassed that my husband would treat me like this. I guess I just need advice am I overreacting?

He is from another country and has some financial obligations there.

My husband also lied about debt. This was at a time when the only way I could manage to put food on the table and pay our bills for as to go up to my maximum overdraft every month. He took out a credit card and was using it to take out cash to go to the pub. I tried to work it out with him once - he did it again. I got rid of him.

For me - I couldn't continue to live with a man I couldn't trust and who was so reckless and selfish about money, but then I had nothing to lose. You must decide for yourself whether the benefits of remaining in your marriage outweigh the liabilities. For me - they wouldn't.

It's bad enough that he hid this from you but he's still not being honest with you. I don't see how you can come back from this unless he starts being completely honest with you. Would he go to councelling?

The issue is there was never any transparency in your marriage to begin with. You turned a blind eye and accepted his bs because you wanted to believe him. The cat is well and truly out of the bag and you can’t go back to pretending that your H is truthful.

Your H has already issued an ultimatum, STFU and he will stay or he will leave if you challenge his financial irresponsibility. This man has never respected you and now he can’t even be bothered to pretend.

My exH was financially abusive. He had debt, paid it off with my money. Then did the same thing, new cards, new debt to a much higher level. All in secret.

He still has huge debts (including owing me over £120,000) and cashed in his pension fund early to pay for his 'new life'. That went in under a year. His new partner had her house repossessed, so I guess she's now paying the price for his fantasy lifestyle.

I got everything in the divorce due to his behaviour (which apparently is quite rare) but I think the Judge had the measure of him quite quickly.

Step away now or he'll drag you down with him. Speak to your family and tell them everything, it's not your fault, don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. My family were really supportive.

Yes, I’d leave him too, OP. Lying to your face about hidden debts is a deal breaker.

12k U.K. or NZ? (Assuming that's where you are due to language used)

You cannot possibly believe a word he says anymore. If the trust is gone, there’s no relationship.

In addition, he clearly has no intention of curbing his spending habits as he would rather split than be transparent with finances.

Tell your family and friends and get legal advice.

You can’t think he’s got into 12 grand of debt from smoking?