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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I obliged to let kids gran have them when she pleases because their dad thinks so?

35 replies

C7682 · 12/10/2023 09:29

I have 3 children, youngest 7 months. Their gran has always played a big part in the older two's lives and has them sleepover once a fortnight which is great but I'm starting to get upset about their activities they do whilst there.
Their gran takes them out often with her sister and sisters grandson.. my issue is that the gransons mum goes with them. I've never once been invited. I worry my children think I don't want to be around when that's not the case. And it's unfair for them to see their cousin with his mum and gran but their mum isn't there.
Since I've had my youngest I don't let her go to her grandparents, it's causing so much friction between me and my partner and he claims I'm stopping the grandparents seeing her which I'm not. I've said they can see her at home or we can take her to visit. I just don't want the cycle to start again where their gran thinks it's her obligation to socialise my daughter with that side of the family without me around.
I also understand their frustration because they've already backed me into a corner because they do it with the older two so therefore i can see why they feel they have a right. This is my last child and I want to be there for it all. So yeah AIBU and what would you say/do?

OP posts:
123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 12/10/2023 09:33

Are you not able to ask if you can join MIL with baby and kids on a few occasions?

shivawn · 12/10/2023 09:37

I'm assuming when you talk about your children's gran you mean your partners mother? Do your children see your parents as much? My kids have very involved grandparents on both sides who love spending time with them. I feel so fortunate that they have that bond so I'd never dream of restricting it. Plus it's obviously great for my husband and I because it gives us the opportunity to have time alone as a couple with no guilt.

7 months probably would have been a little on the young side to go on excursions out with grandparents for me anyway but if your older 2 are happy then I wouldn't worry about not being invited along myself.....I'd prefer it in fact, my in-laws are nice people and we get along well but don't have a massive amount in common

LaviniasBigBloomers · 12/10/2023 09:38

I'm sorry, I don't really get it - she see's them once a fortnight and you're upset not to be asked along? But surely the point of someone else having your kids is that you get a break from your kids?

hiredandsqueak · 12/10/2023 09:39

It seems to be less about what the grandparent does with your children and more about jealousy that you aren't invited along.I'd assume that it's your nil's sister that invites her daughter along so nothing to do with mil anyway. As a mum and granny I'd be happy that your children have close and loving grandparents and enjoy that you get a break tbh. Maybe explain that youngest is a little young yet to be away from you but you would be happy to join them occasionally and bring youngest along.

KarmenPQZ · 12/10/2023 09:42

‘This is my last child and I want to be there for it all.’

this sounds very controlling and not healthy for your child to not be able to experience anything without their mum in tow. Now admittedly your youngest is only 7 months so it’s not unreasonably at the moment. But at some point it will be as you can’t go into school with them! Where that tipping point is you need to decide what you’re comfortable with.

a grandparent child bond can be so special. Don’t deny your children that opportunity. Be it doesn’t take anything away from your relationship with your kids.
x

Mamai90 · 12/10/2023 09:43

You're totally over thinking this OP. Your MILs sister inviting her DD along is different. I expect your MIL wants to help out so wouldn't think if inviting you, your meant to be getting a break!

I'm close to MIL but dynamics are different with a mother/daughter relationship and a MIL/DIL.

GabriellaMontez · 12/10/2023 09:43

I'd say the youngest is too young. That they're welcome to come to you instead.

That you want the siblings to spend time together.

Do you want the older ones to continue? Do you want to be invited?

SpinachandChocolate · 12/10/2023 09:46

Are they happy there? What activities are you concerned about or do you just mean you don't know what they are doing?

Tourmalines · 12/10/2023 09:50

It seems like you are jealous because your kids are with their gran, great aunt, and cousins . What a great time for them all . Why don’t you ask to go along sometimes . Do you get on with them at all ? I’ll admit the youngest is too small yet , but i don’t think you should hold her back when she’s older . They are also your partners kids . He gets a say.

Bex5490 · 12/10/2023 10:04

Why shouldn’t your kids get to spend time with their family without you being there? Do you need to be involved in every interaction of their lives?

If my DH insisted that he had to be there every time my mum took my son to spend time with her side of the family they would think that was so weird.

You’ve said nothing about your MIL being mean or anything but a good grandma so YABU. I agree with your husband.

Original poster
C7682 · 12/10/2023 10:11

Oh no there's definitely no jealousy there, more upset that I find out they're out with their cousin and his parent and not told until afterwards which makes it difficult to ask to go along. We've always got on and I've never disrespected her so I find it frustrating. They sleep over once a fortnight but see her in between for tea etc and ive always loved that shes so involved. I would never expect to intrude on every single trip but to never once be asked along, I find it unfair on the kids. The other parent is also DIL. I feel its mine and their dad's role as parents to socialise them with their families but again I wouldn't expect every gathering/outing to be with us but at the same time I don't think they should only see/visit them when we're not around x

OP posts:
Bex5490 · 12/10/2023 10:15

Ok so you just want an invite and feel a bit hurt.

Just say to MIL, next time you’re all going out I’d love to come along…she sounds nice so I’m sure she’ll invite you. She probably thinks she’s doing you a favour by giving you a break.

But don’t stop your youngest going because of what is probably a misunderstanding.

Whapples · 12/10/2023 10:19

Please don’t stop them going. I used to get sleepovers with my Nan and to see my cousins at hers. I loved it. I’m not close with her now but always cherished the memories of it. I wouldn’t get worked up about the other DIL, perhaps she only allows her children to go if she’s there? Perhaps the cousins are too hard work for MIL to have with yours as well? Talk to MIL and ask if you can come next time and let your youngest join!

RoseAndRose · 12/10/2023 10:21

Use the youngest as the reason for you to go along sometimes as well.

twiirlywoo · 12/10/2023 10:28

Wish I had this problem. Sounds great, I'd take advantage and enjoy the help/break!

Original poster
C7682 · 12/10/2023 10:43

I would never stop them going. I think this has just prompted me to cut out the middle man DH and chat with MIL alone about it.
Honestly I think I just needed reassurance that it's normal to be upset about being cut off completely from the kids social life when they're with DHs family.
And its definitely my own fault for never saying no even at times it's not suitable and now we're at a point that everybody is offended if I say no

OP posts:
Fionaville · 12/10/2023 10:50

I've said YANBU because you're not obliged to.
If you have a good relationship with MIL she must just think that's she's helping.
Tbh I wouldn't have let my babies sleep at grans every two weeks, not at that age. But then, I wouldn't have had my preschoolers being away from me so often anyway. But I know I'm in the minority with that one.
If you're against it for the reasons you've stated 'We should be involved in socialising them with the family' then YABU. They can have a relationship with their own family, without you there.

Mariposista · 12/10/2023 10:52

Sounds like you have a bit of FOMO. This is the MIL's sister and niece, the relationship is totally different.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/10/2023 10:53

You’re overthinking. They won’t be wondering why is our mum not here. They’ll be thinking they’re spending the day with auntie whoever.
If they enjoy the fortnightly sleepovers, you’re very lucky to have that support.

Sirzy · 12/10/2023 10:54

You do seem to be creating an issue where there isn’t one.

maybe your sister in law is the one who is saying to her mother in law “I’m taking the kids to x do you want to come with us” - maybe you could invite her to trips and similar.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 12/10/2023 10:54

I think I just needed reassurance that it's normal to be upset about being cut off completely from the kids social life when they're with DHs family.

I think this sounds a bit strange. Don't you ever socialise all together? Things like birthday parties for the little ones, or you inviting them over?

Original poster
C7682 · 12/10/2023 10:57

It's not her niece, she's also IL. I've never met her. I completely appreciate they have a right to spend time with others without me around but to the extreme that I've never laid eyes on them is a bit much wouldn't you say?

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 12/10/2023 10:57

LaviniasBigBloomers · 12/10/2023 09:38

I'm sorry, I don't really get it - she see's them once a fortnight and you're upset not to be asked along? But surely the point of someone else having your kids is that you get a break from your kids?

Indeed.

OP, your kids won't be remotely thinking you don't want to be with them - they will be having a nice time and they're used to this arrangement.

Original poster
C7682 · 12/10/2023 11:01

No that doesn't happen. Even to the point my kids get an extra birthday gathering with his side without our knowledge. They usually just do it on their next sleepover. I'd love to have them over, it's so confusing because I'm not a confrontational person, nor disrespectful towards them and I've never been one to smother my kids either or keep them away from anyone

OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkles · 12/10/2023 11:07

I'd love to have them over, it's so confusing because I'm not a confrontational person, nor disrespectful towards them and I've never been one to smother my kids either or keep them away from anyone

What do they say when you invite the over?

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