Am I obliged to let kids gran have them when she pleases because their dad thinks so?

[C7682]

I have 3 children, youngest 7 months. Their gran has always played a big part in the older two's lives and has them sleepover once a fortnight which is great but I'm starting to get upset about their activities they do whilst there.
Their gran takes them out often with her sister and sisters grandson.. my issue is that the gransons mum goes with them. I've never once been invited. I worry my children think I don't want to be around when that's not the case. And it's unfair for them to see their cousin with his mum and gran but their mum isn't there.
Since I've had my youngest I don't let her go to her grandparents, it's causing so much friction between me and my partner and he claims I'm stopping the grandparents seeing her which I'm not. I've said they can see her at home or we can take her to visit. I just don't want the cycle to start again where their gran thinks it's her obligation to socialise my daughter with that side of the family without me around.
I also understand their frustration because they've already backed me into a corner because they do it with the older two so therefore i can see why they feel they have a right. This is my last child and I want to be there for it all. So yeah AIBU and what would you say/do?

But it’s not up to you to socialise them with their dads family. That’s up to him, and in this case his mum is doing it. I don’t see the issue personally. I think they sound great.
I see my nieces children more at their granny’s (my sister’s) house than I do with my niece. I love my niece and am always happy to see her, but her mum takes them to give her a break and my sister lives closer and I see her more often. It means I get a better relationship with my great nephews and nieces than I might otherwise.

OP, your kids won't be remotely thinking you don't want to be with them - they will be having a nice time and they're used to this arrangement

Agree with this.

Grandparents aren't around for ever, it sounds like a nice arrangement that your DC enjoy.

If you want to go too, don't make it complicated. Just say "sounds like you had a great time, I'd love to join you all [with littlest one] another time"

See I have to disagree. If my kids were socialising with my family, I would invite their dad along now and again because we're both their parents and I don't think it should be completely separate to the extreme it is. Like ok, we don't both have to be there every time but my mum would never cut him off completely to this point

Like ok, we don't both have to be there every time but my mum would never cut him off completely to this point

Cutting someone off is not the same as failing to invite along. Cutting someone off means saying no to their invitations and refusing to allow them to come if they ask. In which case it would be weird. But it sounds like your MIL just hasn't invited you - perhaps she thinks you wouldn't be interested, that you need a break or whatever. And it looks like you never invite them over to you either, so you can't really be annoyed that they don't invite you.

I don't get what the issue is. When i stayed at my nan's when i was little we went out and did stuff with her and whoever she chose to go out with. I didn't ever think that my mum or dad didn't want to be there. We were just staying over.
Do they stay at your mum's? What does she do with them?

But I don’t think anyone is cutting you off. No one is saying you can’t see that side of the family. Why can’t you and oh go visit them? Mil is just spending time with her family while she has her grandchildren. I doubt you are being purposefully excluded, especially as you say you have a good relationship. I’m sure they would all be happy to see you. Go visit them, ask mil if you can join sometime when she sees them. You see yourself as being cut from a part of your children’s lives but I really don’t think anyone is seeing it that way but you. It’s sounds like you have a lovely set up tbh but you’ve got in your own head and twisted it into a negative thing.

My mum is disabled, my eldest goes there all the time and likes to spend 2 days there at a time, she has ASD and loves peace and quiet, so she will go to my mum for quiet time and just sits writing letters to people non stop. DD2 prefers going to DHs parents. This is where the no has come into play lately because DD1 doesn't want to go to DHs parents and I've allowed her to stay home but asked for them to visit her here instead. Which doesn't happen and I don't know why. (DD2 is still able to go if she wants)

It's definitely weird that she never socialises with you and only wants to see the children without you.

Does she come to the birthday parties etc you arrange for the children?

Which doesn't happen and I don't know why.

Have you asked MIL?

I must admit I'm a bit confused. I understand OP that you do still want them to see their grandparents. However, you don't ever feel involved and once they ended up with someone completely different looking after your kids without telling you. Yup that would annoy me too.

I think it's lovely you want to spend time with them I don't like people saying that's possessive. Clearly you're not as you have let them go there.

What would you like to happen? What would work well for you? What can you ask for?