To think my trip is being ruined because I just don’t enjoy anything

[ParmaVioletGin]

I feel so useless. I recently found out I have CPTSD and a dysregulated nervous system. I have learnt to blunt all emotions.

I have recently travelled to Portugal for 3 months. My partner is here doing a sports camp and the opportunity for me to come arose. Why wouldn’t I take it! A break from work!!

I should be having the best time ever and I hate myself for not. It’s not exactly a holiday because we need to be here for camp, but we are having days out and travelling of sorts.

Whilst my partner is training I feel completely useless. I don’t know anyone here, we’re very remote and there aren’t any other partners involved at the sport camp. I don’t have many hobbies.

I have a garden with lots of land. I wish I was someone who could just sit in the sun, take in the landscape and noises, read a book, enjoy doing nothing. But I feel like I need to be doing something, like I’m a saddo for waiting for my partner, like I can’t just enjoy things. It’s such a privilege having time off work to recharge and I’m annoyed at myself. I’m no good at relaxing.
I feel like all I’m doing with my time is going to the shop, spending money, cooking food.

I know the obvious answer is to get out, meet people etc but it’s a very quiet area and in all honestly I can’t even think of anything I’d want to go and do. I don’t want anyone to tell me to go home because I’m not missing home, I’m grateful for the opportunity to wind down, I’m just struggling.

It’s so hard feeling this way. I need some tips or advice so I don’t ruin this opportunity. I feel ridiculous as I know I’m in a position a lot of people would die for.

Go home.

Why not do something proactive? Find am online course, an online self help course or a linked in course for work?

I don’t want to go home. It’s an amazing opportunity to relax, see a different country. My brain just isn’t allowing me to enjoy things (which has always been a problem) and I want to make the most of this

Well being able to take three months off work is a privilege, but being stuck in a remote sports camp in Portugal ( or anywhere else), not so much. To be honest I would leave, either go home and go back to work or take the time off and go and do something interesting, travel around a bit for example.

I don’t know why you keep saying it is an amazing opportunity, it sounds awful and you are miserable, so it really isn’t amazing.

How about exercise if relaxing isn’t your thing. Could you see yourself getting into hiking or running or swimming or something?

How about learning Portuguese? Find a course and go off and do that for a week then practice in the shop etc.

How about seeing some more of Portugal? Can you go away for a day or two to a different city or beach or area each week. Wander round, see the sights, go to a museum, learn something new?

How about spending some time researching cptsd and suitable treatments and then work to putting those in place if you haven’t already. I’m not a doctor but anecdotally I know a couple of people who have found edmr really effective. And using the time to access the treatments online when you don’t also have work stress?

I think that you should give yourself a break with the idea that you should be enthusiastically happy just because you’re abroad and not working. Focus on making sure that you have something to show for your time (healthier/new language/new places visited etc) and I think that the enjoyment will come in the gaps around that.

Whereabouts in Portugal are you? I’m in a very rural central area.

Do you have a car that you can drive? In which case I would look at a map /TripAdvisor and just go and visit places.

TBH it sounds a bit shit, mainly due to the location, particularly if you find it hard just relaxing and reading a book

This sums up my thoughts perfectly.

He's working your alone and isolated

Find walks and walk everyday for an hour - gets the endorphins going. Take/buy a camera and get some info on your area and its history and become a photographer , at the minimum get a few 2024 calendars printed. Buy some good books -see what we are reading thread for ideas. Read for an hour a day. Post your view of book. Are there expat areas- any volunteer groups? Birdwatching? Your own fitness regime?

I know this is not great fun on your own but at least at the end you will feel you have something to show for your time.

You could spend some of the time focusing on personal development? Perhaps read about cptsd online. Pete Walker CPTSD - from surviving to thriving comes to mind. There is a webpage and the book is highly regarded. Plus many other on Youtube etc.

It does sound very isolating and I think most people would feel the way you’re feeling to be honest. I wonder how your partner is feeling knowing that you’re lonely and basically just waiting for them to finish each day.

I’d certainly look at doing some travelling, do you have a car or can you jump on a train to a town/city for day trips? Wine tour, museums, art workshops, walking groups, cooking class? Facebook is normally good for finding out what’s is going on locally.

Maybe your problem isn’t the cptsd but the very normal modern feeling of having to be ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’

you can make the most of a holiday by just sitting in a garden and allowing yourself to build some vitamin D, resting and enjoying the calm.

and you can make the most of it with your trips too.

doing both and resting, you need to rest! Between the doing parts will help you not become so overwhelmed.

depending on your interests a good podcast or a book can help on slow days.

sitting in a cafe with a cuppa every day is a perfectly legitimate activity!

You are clearly very isolated. There are short courses available for free from OU. Alternatively why not order some art/ craft materials and try something new? Could you ask your partner to ask around and arrange a few introductions to other partners?

Don’t think the problem here is you. This was not an ‘amazing opportunity’ unless you enjoy what’s on offer and were OK with the downsides, which you don’t and are not!

Did your work give you 3 months off?

I’m not sure how great 3 months of just hanging around is not matter where you are. Could you get some routine into your day? Wake up at a reasonable time each morning, exercise, read/learn something, etc etc. I would be unhappy having nothing to do and no structure for that length of time. I don’t think it’s particularly healthy to just waft around aimlessly.

Can you hire a car? I'd be very lonely too OP in this situation, but a car would make all the difference I think??

OP people who don’t have CPTSD don’t get it. Your brain won’t allow you to enjoy anything because everything is dangerous and you need to be vigilant 24/7 even if you don’t feel actively anxious. The smallest decision feels gigantic and you feel like you need someone with you to go places and do stuff. I get it.

I used to be like you as a fellow CPTSDer. I started to work on myself and my nervous system regulation and now I can finally relax when appropriate.

As someone up thread said, start with Pete Walker’s book. It’s like listening to someone talk about you personally. It’s worked wonders for me.

Be kind to yourself, you’re still in traumaland.

OP, you will never know how beneficial this time is until you look back on it. Being bored is priceless - it just really doesn't feel like it at the time.

Years ago I was driving across Spain and broke down. It took two weeks for the right part to arrive. During those weeks I had nothing; no friends, no money, and the only internet was a dodgy cafe in a nearby town. Yet looking back, it was like pushing the pause button. I found out so much about myself. I wasn't easy, but it was very, very useful and utterly impossible to contrive.

We like being busy and useful, progressing our lives in a meaningful way to feel satisfied and worthy. But the opposite is also valuable - give it a go!

Be bored
Watch birds
Walk to a particular place at the same time everyday
Cook and eat good food
Learn a phrase a Portuguese a day
Try different things - like painting / writing
Enjoy the peace!

Your problem is that you seem to be governed by ‘shoulds”. You ‘should’ be enjoying this. You ‘should’ be seizing the opportunity to relax. You ‘should’ be going out and exploring. But you aren’t. You’re bored, isolated and antsy. So either accept that you’re going to have a miserable three months and make your peace with it, or go home?

Thank you!! Where did you start in terms of recovery? I’m trying yoga, mindfulness, somatic exercises and meditation. Feel like I’m getting nowhere.

And thank you all for your replies. I definitely want to stay but I guess I don’t know where to start in terms of making a life for myself. There’s almost too many options!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not enjoying something that you don't enjoy!

Like other people have said, I'd also be fed up, lonely and bored shitless if I spent all day alone in the arse crack of nowhere with nothing to do!

But, I also wonder. Do you have any interests or hobbies of your own outside work and your relationship? I was a bit like this when I was younger. Literally did nothing outside work and spend time with my then boyfriend, would go onto become my STBXH. I never did much by myself for myself. I don't really know what has changed in me, but over the years since having kids I started finding my way and doing things for myself more. Which did end up in my marriage ending because I wasn't all about him anymore. I enjoy things more because they are what I want to do, not what I think I should do!

@ParmaVioletGin writing in a notebook. Honestly it was the most cathartic thing.

I read about CPTSD and it made sense so I wrote as much as I could remember about my childhood. It wasn’t easy because I have vast memory gaps. I remember emotions like shame, humiliation and anger at being gaslit.

When I started to understand how my triggers are emotional flashbacks I started to be able to see when I was triggered and immediately take steps to bring myself out of it. It takes practice though.

The book is a great jumping off point as he, a fellow CPTSDer just gets it. Yoga doesn’t work for me because my mind will not switch off and I get bored. I taught myself to crochet, I journal a bit every morning, do jigsaws and go for a walk without headphones or my phone. Going without distractions will be scary at first but very much worth it.