To think my trip is being ruined because I just don’t enjoy anything

[ParmaVioletGin]

I feel so useless. I recently found out I have CPTSD and a dysregulated nervous system. I have learnt to blunt all emotions.

I have recently travelled to Portugal for 3 months. My partner is here doing a sports camp and the opportunity for me to come arose. Why wouldn’t I take it! A break from work!!

I should be having the best time ever and I hate myself for not. It’s not exactly a holiday because we need to be here for camp, but we are having days out and travelling of sorts.

Whilst my partner is training I feel completely useless. I don’t know anyone here, we’re very remote and there aren’t any other partners involved at the sport camp. I don’t have many hobbies.

I have a garden with lots of land. I wish I was someone who could just sit in the sun, take in the landscape and noises, read a book, enjoy doing nothing. But I feel like I need to be doing something, like I’m a saddo for waiting for my partner, like I can’t just enjoy things. It’s such a privilege having time off work to recharge and I’m annoyed at myself. I’m no good at relaxing.
I feel like all I’m doing with my time is going to the shop, spending money, cooking food.

I know the obvious answer is to get out, meet people etc but it’s a very quiet area and in all honestly I can’t even think of anything I’d want to go and do. I don’t want anyone to tell me to go home because I’m not missing home, I’m grateful for the opportunity to wind down, I’m just struggling.

It’s so hard feeling this way. I need some tips or advice so I don’t ruin this opportunity. I feel ridiculous as I know I’m in a position a lot of people would die for.

Do you like reading?

I'd be into a book sitting outside with a coffee/glass of wine/beer or listening to music, podcasts etc. No need for company at all! But then I don't have CPTSD which must be playing into how you're feeling :(

If you can find some baroque music pls play and listen to it. It can really help with stress which is, to me, how your post reads. X

You might find you can't read - well not much anyway. I identify as having cptsd ie all the effects never been diagnosed! I'm living in a major flashback at the moment. Brain won't cooperate.
What the pp said about yoga I find about reading.

Get your hands busy - journal, art, try an audiobook. Intersperse with getting out for a short walk, the shopping etc. Likewise the audio can be helpful if you are out on your own. Plug yourself in equals brain distracted. It gives me some peace anyway. Might help you.

I agree Pete walker's book is amazing. It can be a hard read though. Most of the information is in bitesize chapters. I listened to an audio version at first.

Yep would be great to learn a language or do a course but if you don't have cptsd it is impossible to know how incredibly challenging that would be. And I firmly think the 'shoulding' along with the sad, and mad and bad-ing (Pete walker reference) is the the trauma brain.

Do what you need to feel safe

I joined my partner for a 2 week conference in a rural part of the US and spent the time he was working mainly hiking, and reading in the hotel bar. I enjoy my own company though and love exploring solo, so if you don't really enjoy these aspects it doesn't sound like such a great opportunity.

Why are you being so hard on yourself?! I’ve done lots of travelling and adventurous things and concluded it isn’t fun for me without company. In your situation I’d be feeling very bored. Some people need company and don’t like yoga and that is absolutely ok.

Are you doing lots of physical exercise ? I'd feel crap doing nothing and I wouldn't feel recharged by that - my body needs movement - you have 3 months to get really fit !

Is there anywhere reasonably local that would want a volunteer?

I would love to have some down time to mix learning a new language with getting involved with an animal charity if possible.

As others have said a course or something would be good too, whether it’s a set fitness course or learning excel or a language. I am using Duo Lingo to get back into French. Learning to cook Portuguese food or even something like origami.

I would still struggle to have so much free time but I would try to take advantage of it and make the best of it

Book some day trips in. Go to Lisbon or the coast for a couple of days. Find a yoga retreat or similar and go and do that for a few days. I'm sure your partner would hate to think of you feeling this way and support you having a holiday within a holiday.

Do therapy online for 3 months

So go somewhere else... Where you are sounds boring and obviously not working for you. And the only reason you're really there is because your boyfriend is there...

So... use the 3 months to travel around Europe of you won't go home.

Get online and find a new craft or hobby to take up and get the necessary items/ equipment delivered. There are plenty of YouTube how to videos to help you learn. Alternatively go exploring and find a small volunteer or casual job to fill your time and meet friends.
If being idle is not your thing then be active.

You need to give yourself a schedule if you’re struggling with all the unallocated time.

If I were you I’d also look to plan some longer/overnight trips alone during the week e.g. go to Lisbon or Porto for a few days, look for a yoga retreat somewhere, take a trip to one of the islands etc. You don’t need to stay where you are all the time waiting for your OH, he can come and join you when he’s free.

Hi OP. I am often in your situation, only for 6 weeks or so at a time. I don’t suffer from CPTSD I don’t think? Although I do have trouble concentrating and with yoga/reading etc.

I set myself goals so my day has structure. Get outside as much as possible. I listen to podcasts (Diary of a CEO is my favourite) and try to read books that interest me - usually non-fiction.

Write down things you’ve always wanted to do but have never got round to doing. No limits on this, don’t think rationally or limit yourself. Random stuff.

Educate yourself in small chunks.
I always work on my fitness!
Make a point of talking to someone you’ve never met before each day, I try to find someone of a different age or religion etc.
Help someone daily
Stare out if the window or sit and just watch for 15 mins, set a timer and just absorb what you’re seeing.
Write everything down
Put on some music and dance

Last time I went wild swimming and flew a kite!

Spending time by yourself can be so rewarding

The situation sounds like there’s not actually much to ‘enjoy’. I’d go home.

why don’t you do some online therapy in the sunshine ?

Honestly working on yourself is the only answer, I have CPTSD and truly you have to fix yourself before you can enjoy life.

I have this stand offish , can’t get into things , feel vacant like I’m alive but I’m not really living feeling , I can’t go for walks unless I have an end place to finish. I get you , I really do.

Dont feel bad because you’re not enjoying it, one persons enjoyment isn’t necessarily another’s.

Good luck and I’m jealous sitting here in the rain ! Xx

From your OP Id suggest finding some opportunities to do some volunteering to at least get some non sports camp interaction.

But you're not seeing a different country and you don't sound very relaxed.

If nobody judged you and you stopped judging yourself, what would you do? Clear your mind, decide what you really want to do and then do it.

Totally agree with this, why don't you 'allow' yourself a set time to sit in the garden and read daily initially? 3 months is a long time to be out of ones normal routine , it would be unusual to be enjoying every single minute.

@ParmaVioletGin where in Portugal are you? (general area if you don't want to say details) and I can give you some hints of places to visit if you want - I left the country a long time ago but some places are still good

Try on Facebook for a local English page. There's bound to be one, if not enlarge the area in your search and write a post seeing if anyone would like to meet up for coffee.