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Original poster

How would you deal with this friendship?

29 replies

bathmatshowermat · 11/10/2023 21:51

We have some friends who we enjoy spending time with. We don't see them much, they live a few hours away, and we visit each other every now and again. They are open about not wanting to spend money. We went for a walk this weekend as they were visiting, and it would have been nice to go for a coffee, or even dinner, once. But as I know they don't want to spend any money, I couldn't suggest it. They are well off, but want to save every penny they have, so are very very careful about what they spend on. I'm just not sure I can host again! Spent the whole weekend cooking, and while I enjoy hosting, my partner and I just really fancied a coffee when we went out for a walk too! We are by no means extravagant with money.

Maybe we should meet somewhere neutral for a day trip next time so nobody hosts. How would you feel?

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 11/10/2023 21:53

Are they good generous hosts when you visit them?

northernsunshine · 11/10/2023 21:54

Did they bring you a gift at least?

sounds like you’re a great host and perhaps they wanted to make the most of that/ don’t have the social awareness to pick up on the fact you would have liked some variety over the weekend

Merryoldgoat · 11/10/2023 21:56

olympicsrock · 11/10/2023 21:53

Are they good generous hosts when you visit them?

This was going to be my question too.

10HailMarys · 11/10/2023 21:57

What’s it like when they host you?

I would struggle to be mates with someone who, (despite being well off), always refused to stop for a coffee or a drink on a day out. Joyless fuckers.

Tortugaa · 11/10/2023 21:57

Yeah if they reciprocate I could deal with that, maybe take a little snack and coffee flask on your walk. If they don’t reciprocate I’d bin them off as they sound bloody miserable.

Yazo · 11/10/2023 21:58

We have family like that and it's so exhausting, even if you go to them it's claustrophobic. Especially if it's a weekend or school holiday, it's precious rest time so hard when you can't relax. Not a lot of advice, even meeting half way there's always that thing where they bring a picnic and you want to be near a cafe or somewhere to buy a sandwich. I think it's a good suggestion to try something different.

Millybob · 11/10/2023 21:58

Of course you can suggest it! It's coffee not a Michelin dinner. If you're hosting them for a weekend of meals, they're plain rude if they don't stand you a drink. If they don't offer, just pay for yourselves. And don't invite them again.

Yazo · 11/10/2023 21:59

@10HailMarys or that awkward thing where you want to buy your kids an ice cream but the other family don't want their kids to have one so no ice cream for anyone!

Original poster
bathmatshowermat · 11/10/2023 22:04

olympicsrock · 11/10/2023 21:53

Are they good generous hosts when you visit them?

Yes, they are lovely, but no outside spending. All home cooked. It's lovely, but my husband and I have intense jobs during the week, and we often go for one meal out at the weekend. Or at least a coffee. Based on her job, I'm pretty sure they earn more than us, so over 6 figures combined, and I just struggle a bit with the no spend rule.

I suggested a coffee once before and they didn't want to do that. And are open about not wanting to spend money.

A flask is a good idea, but I enjoy going for a coffee every now and again.

They say they question every purchase as the money could be better used elsewhere. Eg. Travel, retirement, future education for their daughter possibly. All important things, but I just feel it takes a bit of joy out of the moment. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
bathmatshowermat · 11/10/2023 22:05

northernsunshine · 11/10/2023 21:54

Did they bring you a gift at least?

sounds like you’re a great host and perhaps they wanted to make the most of that/ don’t have the social awareness to pick up on the fact you would have liked some variety over the weekend

Yes, a bottle of wine.

OP posts:
Gloriousgardener11 · 11/10/2023 22:13

What is their rational for not spending money ?
This sounds like slightly obsessive behaviour that’s taken over their lives.
Not much fun for you, a coffee out is hardly breaking the bank !

Original poster
bathmatshowermat · 11/10/2023 22:17

Gloriousgardener11 · 11/10/2023 22:13

What is their rational for not spending money ?
This sounds like slightly obsessive behaviour that’s taken over their lives.
Not much fun for you, a coffee out is hardly breaking the bank !

They're both on the same page so it's fine for them as a couple, but they have said to us that they are extreme compared to other people. They would feel a coffee is a waste of money. They only spend when it's an absolute essential, or things they value highly, like travel. They travel on the cheap, but enjoy travelling a lot.

OP posts:
MetaverseMavis · 11/10/2023 22:21

Maybe they are trying to be mortgage-free asap, different people have different values, let them be

GabriellaMontez · 11/10/2023 22:25

Spent the whole weekend cooking

No thanks. I'd limit it to 1 day or 1 night.

A whole weekend with a couple who don't want to spend any money? Sounds too much like hard work.

If I fancied a coffee while we were out I'd just get a takeaway.

Like you say, if it works for them, great. But they can't expect you to dance to their tune all the time.

Loubelle70 · 11/10/2023 22:25

If it's just a weekend say couple times year i wouldn't be bothered....id take a flask. Im tight where cost coffee concerned, i do begrudge spending 4quid on a coffee.

Leeds2 · 11/10/2023 22:25

I would ask if anyone fancied a coffee. When they say no due to cost, go and buy one for you and DH and leave them without. Probably have to be take away rather than inside, but better than nothing.

Lovemychair · 11/10/2023 22:30

I wouldn't stop suggesting going for a coffee or meal out and make sure you sound disappointed when they say no.

MariaLuna · 11/10/2023 22:31

What??!

I suggested a coffee once before and they didn't want to do that.

So, are you joined at the hip, or what? You are out and about and you fancy a coffee, just go for it. They can wait outside if they're such misers.

Why are you scared to do your own thing when they visit? They should be accommodating you, not the other way around.

MohairTortoise · 11/10/2023 22:33

I would make peace with knowing that if they are visiting, you can either buy yourself a takeaway coffee or not buy coffees for that weekend.
You say you don't see them very much, so I'd weigh up whether the friendship was worth sacrificing the coffee for on the occasions they visit.

Gemstar3 · 11/10/2023 22:34

I think it’s fair enough if they’re open about it and they’re good hosts back to you. If you’re not struggling for cash and want to enjoy your weekend, just take steps to make hosting easier for yourself. You don’t want to cook all weekend? No problem - order in a Cook meal that is still a nice meal but goes straight from the freezer to the oven so you can relax. You fancy a coffee? Just say “I know you don’t like to get coffees out, but I really fancy one, so I’m just popping in for a takeaway”.

Yes, you might spend more on hosting them than they would on you, but they might really enjoy cooking. If your priorities are different and you’re not hard up, that might just make it more enjoyable for you, and if it’s only once in a while, would it matter?

MariaLuna · 11/10/2023 22:38

Maybe they are trying to be mortgage-free asap, different people have different values, let them be

Yea, let them be. Come stay with your mortgaged up mates while taking advantage. Do they even treat you while visiting? Bet they don't.

I would ALWAYS take my friends out for dinner if staying with them. It's fun, gets you out of the house, check the local area, and it's the least you could do to say thank you for hosting me.

KohlaParasaurus · 11/10/2023 22:42

I'd offer to buy a cup of coffee for everyone if I really wanted one myself.

BetterWithPockets · 11/10/2023 22:43

MetaverseMavis · 11/10/2023 22:21

Maybe they are trying to be mortgage-free asap, different people have different values, let them be

But the OP’s not complaining about the choice they’ve made for themselves — it’s the fact that it impacts on the OP when they come to stay and she can’t even suggest going out for a coffee.

MariaLuna · 11/10/2023 22:44

They travel on the cheap, but enjoy travelling a lot.

Yep, got that one OP. Enjoy travelling to visit you and living on the cheap at your expense. Cooking, cleaning, you are crazy.

If they reciprocate, sorry (not read all your updates). If not, I would be out next time they come.

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/10/2023 01:01

For me, there would be an undercurrent that would stop me enjoying myself. The idea of someone being delighted at getting something off you for nothing is really horrible. I would probably stop seeing them.