To give up learning to drive even though I need to learn?

[HatingTheDriveButNeedTo]

I’ve had 3 blocks of around 60 hours each with an instructor since I turned 18 (now in my mid 30s). Different instructor each block.

And I drive a car with a friend or family member between lessons, so I am practising.

I just can’t seem to get it. I seem to get it, and have 2 or 3 good lessons with my instructor and then it all comes crumbling down again and then I have several bad lessons and it knocks my confidence and then it’s like starting again and i have to relearn everything.

I don’t even enjoy it even when I’m going through a good patch with lessons.

The issue is my parents who I rely on for lifts/sitting in the car are both in their 70s and I have a disabled child I’m a single parent to who has a variety of appointments in various clinics and hospitals (although going through a quiet patch with appointments right now, but they’ll kick in again properly after half term).

I want to give up, sell my car and cancel my insurance and just stop altogether. But I know I need to be able to drive and I know that’s most likely making it worse.

For context I am dyspraxic, I can pass the theory test without issue, I get near full marks everytime I’ve done it (3 times) it’s just the practical I’m no where near ready for and my theory always lapses before I feel ready for it.

Any tips? Or do I just give up?

Ds was having 1 lesson per week and driving with myself and his dad. He failed 3 times. We changed instructor, increased to 2 x 1 1/2 hour lessons per week, and he passed with no faults.

Never ever give up

CBT for anxiety? Developing strategies for that might help.

I know driving needs focus but my daughter was very anxious and was helped by distraction. Eg singing to herself or talking about something random to the instructor. Someone here suggested gum. She was best and a safer driver when not just focussing on the driving. Maybe you could try that?

Good luck. It sounds tough.

I didn't get it in a manual but passed in 6 weeks in an automatic. Worth a try.

Hmmmm, most of the people I know who have speeding tickets are men who passed their test first time. And the majority of people I know who have had car crashes had them in their late teen or early twenties within their first couple of years of driving. I’m not convinced taking a long time to pass makes you a worse driver than someone who passes first time. Both people have reached the required standard.

Sorry that was meant as a reply to Ohmy88

If it's this hard and super stressful do you really absolutely have to be able to drive? I know you said about getting your disabled child to appointments but the cost of all those lessons would pay for a lot of taxis!

My DH is dyspraxic. He doesn't drive (learnt years ago but he's really not safe). But we've made choices about where we live so it doesn't matter that he can't. I drive but he isn't dependent on me to get him places because we chose to live in a city with good public transport links and almost everything we need can be walked to. TBH it feels like we've future-proofed because people who can drive have to stop at some point and that can be devastating if you have a lifestyle that is very car-dependent.

Is it your dyspraxia that is holding you back, or your confidence/ anxiety?

I was the same. I finally passed on my 4th attempt. Learning & practicing pretty much took over my life for about 6 months. I hated it!
Just keep going. Get in the car for drives with anyone willing to accompany you.
I had a very patient work colleague who drove to & from work with me and talked me through each step along the way. Once I felt confident with the drive to & from work I added to it my driving further distances with bigger roundabouts and through town.

Ahead of the test, I used to watch YouTube videos of the different manoeuvres which helped get the steps straight in my head which then made them easier to execute.

My instructor did 2 lessons with me where we focused purely on the test route to familiarise myself with that area and all of the one way streets, traffic lights etc.

Keep going! It's worth it I promise. The freedom of being able to hop in the car whenever you like without relying on others or public transport is amazing!

I failed my first 5 tests for every possible reason. The first 4 tests I had the same examiner and he wasn't good for me. I had bad anxiety and depression and he told me in a soft voice to stay calm and to keep breathing that sort of thing. Probably calming to some people but for me it made my anxiety so much worse.

Failing the 5th test really got to me. It was a different examiner, I was in a better place mentally and felt I did a much better job of the test but I still failed. I had a bit of a break then I think for 6 months and then restarted lessons in my uni town rather than my home time. Lessons went ok, I didn't have a car or a suitable adult to drive between lessons so I only drove for 2h a day but I learnt the new area quite quickly and redid my theory test and booked in my 6th test. I had a lesson 2 days before my test and it was a disaster. My instructor said there was no chance of me passing but if I cancelled now I would lose my money so I may as well give it ago and we would start preparing for the next test. On the day of the test he said he would get me a cream cake for if I passed. He didn't buy the cream cake and looked quite shocked and surprised when I did pass. I vowed to myself that I was never going to drive his car again. He said he would post a chocolate bar through my door but he never did.

Passing is as much of a mental battle as it is a driving situation. Moving to a new town helped me to shake off the memories of previous failed tests. I think you can over practice and actually I did benefit from not continuously driving in the run up to the test especially as I had had several years driving at close to test standard. I would save driving out of lessons to the essential and maybe 1 family lesson a week for a week or two and then work out what the right amount is for you. Finding the balance between practice and not adding more stress to driving. If you have any anxiety and low mood I would look at what support is available to help with that.

My auntie also took 5 attempts to pass and she only passed when she did the test in her own car. I really think change makes a big difference to passing so maybe see if there are other test centres you could use.

Please read the OPs posts.

Hi,

Just a solidarity post from me. I spent seven years on and off learning to drive (in an automatic car with a steering ball because I have hemiplegia and poor fine motor skills in my left side) and failed seven tests. In the end I gave up trying at 35 too. I was sick of throwing good money after bad. I was a nervous driver, panicked at roundabouts and found using indicators or lights really tricky because of my disability.

I thought there was no point in trying to learn in a more heavily adapted vehicle as I'd never be able to purchase the ridiculously priced adaptations myself (I don't receive PIP so no motorbility).

I am lucky in that I have my DH to drive if I or my daughters need to get anywhere not easily accessed by public transport, but I do feel like a sad excuse for a fully functioning adult in my early 40s, not being able to drive or share in driving. It's one area where I do feel truly disabled - even more so knowing that many many people with my condition manage it.

Thanks all I think I'm going to stop driving my own car and just focus on instructor lessons and see if that helps, I can always start up using my own car with family/friends again if it doesn't work out.

Have also been watching some of the youtube recommendations on here and it's help things get clear in my mind on lane use and some tips on positioning as well so will keep at it.

Are you driving round and round (which is an easy lesson for an instructor) or actually stating to your instructor what you want to achieve each 2 hour lesson? Think about your next lesson. What do you want to work on the most during the lesson? What is your learning goal? Look at the Gov website and familiarise yourself against the objectives and decide what it is you want to achieve each lesson. Grade yourself 1 to 10 and by the end of a two hour lesson you should have improved at least.

@loseweightpleasegod We go to different areas each lesson to practice different things, so this week we did roundabouts, last week we did different junctions, week before we did a parrellel park etc. Along the way he'll ask me what different road signs or road markings mean. I drive to wherever we're practising then drive back.

Something that can be helpful when driving and can give you practice driving whilst being the passenger is to narrate the journey, maybe in your head if being a passenger.
Ok we are now approaching the junction so I would take my foot off the accelerator and then move it too the break as it slows (change gear if manual). As we get to the end bring the car to a stop. Apply handbrake. Look left and right and left again. All clear to pull away.

If the you tube videos are helping there might be general driving videos that you could sit and narrate in the evening. Practice is a safe place

Sounds very disjointed to me. If you are happy with the lessons I wish you well.