To give up learning to drive even though I need to learn?

[HatingTheDriveButNeedTo]

I’ve had 3 blocks of around 60 hours each with an instructor since I turned 18 (now in my mid 30s). Different instructor each block.

And I drive a car with a friend or family member between lessons, so I am practising.

I just can’t seem to get it. I seem to get it, and have 2 or 3 good lessons with my instructor and then it all comes crumbling down again and then I have several bad lessons and it knocks my confidence and then it’s like starting again and i have to relearn everything.

I don’t even enjoy it even when I’m going through a good patch with lessons.

The issue is my parents who I rely on for lifts/sitting in the car are both in their 70s and I have a disabled child I’m a single parent to who has a variety of appointments in various clinics and hospitals (although going through a quiet patch with appointments right now, but they’ll kick in again properly after half term).

I want to give up, sell my car and cancel my insurance and just stop altogether. But I know I need to be able to drive and I know that’s most likely making it worse.

For context I am dyspraxic, I can pass the theory test without issue, I get near full marks everytime I’ve done it (3 times) it’s just the practical I’m no where near ready for and my theory always lapses before I feel ready for it.

Any tips? Or do I just give up?

I don’t mean to sound harsh but you need to get value for money. Try a lesson early on a Sunday morning and then repeat the lesson on the Monday. I think you would be better with 1 hour lessons as with 2 hour lessons you are more likely to make more mistakes which will negatively impact your confidence. You need an instructor who can adapt and give you lessons tailored to your individual needs because after 180 hours doing it the way you have been is not working for you.

Honestly, I think you'd regret giving up on it. It's a super important life skill, and a massive help if you can drive. Sounds like an automatic is probably the way to go for you, as it's one fewer thing to worry about.

Have you thought about looking at one of the concentrated blocks of intensive driving? You do lessons/improvements all week, then sit your test at the end. A friend of mine, who was a total non-driver (never even tried) at 40, did one of them for a fortnight, and passed her test on day 9. The final day was post-pass improvement activities, but with the instructor there for reassurance.
They are expensive, but a lot of them seem to have a guarantee for a pass/re-test.

It's not easy, though, and I'm endlessly glad I passed at 17, as I'd be a nervous wreck now, I'm sure. It's important to me to be able to drive, as my parents are nearby, and getting older, so I know that I will always be able to go to them/help if needed. It sounds like you are the same, with your disabled child, and aging parents.
Good luck!!

Learning to drive is the hardest thing I've ever learnt to do and I have several post-graduate qualifications.
It took 2.5 years of lessons. Then I didn't drive for about 10 years and needed more lessons when I needed to buy a car.

You can get there. I'm now a really good driver and enjoy driving.

Having the right instructor made a big difference to me. I struggled on with the same one for years just because he'd taught my older brothers but I regret that now. I hated my driving lessons and dreaded them and occasionally cried in them. Then a friend of the family was training to be an instructor and took me out driving and it was instantly different. He was much more encouraging and helped me figure out why when I got things wrong.

It is really hard when you're dyspraxic so please be gentle with yourself. You're doing really well.
I'm a therapist and offer sessions to help with anxiety around driving/transport. It may be worth considering something like that as it sounds like you have the basic driving bit down and are getting thrown by something along the way. You're not alone, you will get there. It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself which won't be helping.

@loseweightpleasegod I'm a single parent with no weekend childcare so I can't do Sunday morning anyway as I have my DC to think of, they go to their dads 1 night a month but it's usually Friday night to Saturday lunchtime but even if I could do Sunday morning, my instructor doesn't work Sundays or Mondays. He does Tuesday to Saturday.

I've had 3 instructors, current one is the best I've had so I don't really want to change again.

I failed my test 5 times. Nerves and silly mistakes always got the better of me. I had 2 sessions of hypnotherapy and passed with 2 minor faults. Not saying it’s the answer to your problems, but it does work for some people.

Sounds like you CAN do it but you need a bit of self-belief. Hypnotherapy might help

Could you ask the friends and family you are going out with 2/3 times a week if they could increase that to daily for the next month or so? It may be you need to gain the muscle memory from driving daily. The other tip maybe to watch driving videos test route videos on you tube to practice in your mind driving if that makes sense.

I’m pretty sure I have dyspraxia. So many difficulties with coordination and motor planning and two of my children have a DCD diagnosis. I had loads of lessons in my teens and twenties and then loads more in my thirties when I restarted so I get where you are coming from!

the things that helped me the most were:

• learning in an automatic car (know you are already doing this, but one that has automatic lights, windscreen wipers, an camera to help you park etc.) I only had to operate the accelerator, brake, indicators and steering wheel.

• a super sympathetic female instructor. She took time to explain things like roundabouts or complicated junctions to me before we drove them so I could understand how it would work. Sometimes she would bring her son’s toy cars and show me those on diagrams. She was also very encouraging and told me she wanted to teach me to be a safe driver rather than just coach me to pass the test because she knew I was a mum and would be driving my kids. That gave me confidence.

• in the two weeks before my test I had three or four two hours lessons a week, it was horrifically expensive, but by the end of that time I was almost bored of driving. There was no time to forget how to do stuff in between lessons and it meant I had driven all the tricky parts of each test route at least a couple of times so I could anticipate possible scenarios and hear my instructors voice in my head and know which lane I should be in etc. I know this is a really tough ask financially, but I think this was the main thing that meant I passed and otherwise I probably would have had to have had another year of weekly lessons.

• watching driving instructors’ YouTube videos. These are super gimpy but actually really helpful. They talk you through what you should be looking out for and what you need to be doing at each point. Very useful between lessons if you have time.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Don’t give up, once you can drive you will have so much more freedom. I bet you will be a super safe driver too. You can do it!

I’d really encourage you to keep going. My mum gave up for the same reason and now is stuck at home so much because she struggles to walk far. It sounds psychological rather than a skills deficit. Could you work on some anxiety management skills?

I have dyspraxia and ASD. Driving is a nightmare for me. It took me 5 years on and off to learn. I finally passed my test after maybe 5 or 6 attempts. I am still a nervous driver but having a car has been a lifesaver. Having said that, my mum never drove. We actually didn’t have a car in the family at all but always lived in big cities where it wasn’t really necessary. My aunt (also dyspraxic) got her license at 50. I think it took her over three years of weekly lessons to get test ready. Similar issues to yours - extreme nerves, hated driving. She loves it now. Don’t give up!

I learned to drive in my early 20s and I found the key was an instructor that makes you feel comfortable without feeling you're being judged, someone who's easy going. I was nervous with my first instructor and I changed, then was apparently too confident but I passed first time in the end with two minors.

It's like second nature now and I enjoy it, although I drive manual and can't stand automatic.

What is it that makes you panic and what parts of driving do you struggle with?

@SureWhyNotThen My road position, knowing where is the right position for the car as a lot of roads round here don't have middle lines so its hard. If a lorry or motorbike come zooming past me even if I've seen them in my mirror.

Judging how far to go back in my car when reversing, although I am getting a lot better than that.

I am fine at 30mph, once we go above that I seem to panic.

Another Dyspraxic here, I found strangely that chewing gum when driving helped my nerves. Also rescue remedy, anything that will help you feel like you are taking action on calming the nerves. I passed on my 5th attempt and totally get what you are saying about hesitation and making bad judgment when anxious.

I watched videos on youtube to help me with my driving, I always felt nervous with my instructor but watching videos helped me to understand things that I struggled with, such as large roundabouts and pulling up on the left without hitting the kerb. Knowing how to deal with those sorts of things made me less nervous because I wasn't always thinking 'what do I do if she takes me to the big roundabout?' I recommend Clearview Driving's videos and Ashley Neal. I also recommend going out as much as possible with a family member.

Are you treating your panic/anxiety? For e.g a trial of beta blockers for when you're having a lesson?

I have severe dyspraxia and dyslexia. I use permanent marker on the dash to mark left / right. I need a proper automatic (not a semi) and it helps my concentration if people don’t talk.

Having said that I can’t reverse park reliably and so don’t do it around other cars. I can’t parallel park between cars at all and so don’t try. Always better to walk a bit further and park comfortably in my opinion.

Also I ‘cheated’ a bit in the test I passed . Examiner tried to get me onto an A Road I knew had roadworks (it had a double roundabout which was awful but popular with examinders) and so I ‘accidentally’ took several wrong turns in a row to an area I knew well that had a much easier double roundabout. I also booked my test early so I did my manoevre (bay parking) by driving into a bay and then reversing back into the bay I wanted.

I am also instinctively too slow a driver. But now I use the logic that everyone around me is out to kill me and so I need to do dangerous things (like passing roundabouts, going down dual carriage ways, taking exits) as quickly as possible (while still being safe).

I'm dyspraxic too, OP! I could have written this post. I can't drive either, and I really need to. It's so bloody hard. One of my worries is that even if I persevere and eventually do pass my test, that I'll be too terrified to drive with my children in the car anyway so it would have all been for nothing.

I'm currently having a break from lessons, but previously did a 50hr intensive course (failed test at the end of it, catastrophically). Followed by another 100ish hours of lessons on more of a week-to-week basis, failing several tests in there (2 because I had to pull over due to panicking too much).

I am dyspraxic and passed 4th time. I found lessons with an official instructor useless because they are very tick box based, and don't allow you to just focus on something until you get it right, before moving onto the next thing. I started to progress far more quickly once I just started driving with my DP.

The other thing that helped me immensely is Google street view. If there are difficult roundabouts or junctions that feature in your local test routes, you can use Google street view to get to know the layout like the back of your hand, so when you actually have to tackle them in a car, it's far less stressful.

@HatingTheDriveButNeedTo

If you mean a single lane road either side without middle markings dividing the centre, don't worry it's normal to feel that way sometimes. As long as you stick to the left and don't drift into the middle, not much can go wrong. It's hard to judge the width and position of a car when you're not used to it. The other side is doing the same thing on their side.

Same with reversing or sometimes the front of the car, it's hard to judge how close things are depending on how much you can see. These things you get a hang of over time.

For people taking over, it happens and it's unfortunately one of those things that never end. It doesn't matter how fast you go in places, someone will overtake. However, if you're going slower than the speed limit more people may chance it. Not everyone gives learner drivers space or consideration and they do the same for other drivers too.

Speed wise, if you can try think of it as the faster you go the more it responds to steering, that's how I feel anyway. It may seem daunting going fast but it's actually a lot easier control wise at higher speed than thirty, I find.

Also if you can master the clutch and understand how it works which my first instructor gave no insight on other than it's for changing gears, it's a lot easier too.

Honestly I think you need to drive every day or at least 5/6 days a week. Even if only for 15/30 mins. This is what i did with my DD and how I was taught.

Sounds like your dyspraxia isn't helping.

If possible, stop learning now and just save the money so you can spend it all on a week long course with a test at the end.

It's a lot of money but the pass rate is massively higher. And the repeated motions you'll go through really drive the things you need to remember home.

I was the same OP but watched YouTube videos everyday of driving lessons/mock tests. Driving tv, clear view driving etc are all fab and they give you tips about what is expected in a test. I watched that many it came naturally in the end! Don’t give up, I’m a single mum with a child with asd and it’s been life changing x

I voted YANBU - to give up. Some great advice on here of which I would try… but I would set a limit to my attempts to pass tbh. There are so many terrible (& therefore dangerous) drivers on the road. Some people just shouldn’t drive!