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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry when he does this

46 replies

Hunnybee3E · 10/10/2023 12:38

My boyfriend and I are on the rocks and today we were meeting up to discuss our relationship. I had an appointment at 10 and said I'd walk the 5 minutes to his flat after around 11am. He has bad depression and recently has lost his job and moped about in his flat. He's not doing so great and unfortunately I end up being blamed and accused of causing him more stress. He gets quite abusive with his words. He has admitted several times lately he's got nothing and has had enough. Over the weekend he wanted to borrow a sum of money from me which I didn't have. It resulted in him being cold with me. Then he began to get more and more rude until I said i was close to walking away. Yesterday he started the day off normal but started moaning he was sick of messaging. It was him doing the messages so I was quite surprised at the sudden complaint.

So after a heated argument again I told him.i thought he needed some time alone to work out if its me that's the issue or is it life. This resulted in him getting more upset. So I offered to go as planned today. He said he wanted to see me. Anyway I got a message last night saying goodnight with a heart. I've heard nothing from him today at all..he's vanished.

Aibu to panick that sometimes happened. I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
GodDammitCecil · 10/10/2023 12:41

Leave him to it. He’s way more trouble than he’s worth.

Used2beMw · 10/10/2023 12:42

That’s sounds very manipulative & attention seeking. You can do better.

Humidititties · 10/10/2023 12:47

He's not your problem to fix OP, and as others have said, very manipulative. Plus he's gone cold on you for not lending him money? I'd be throwing this one back

Original poster
Hunnybee3E · 10/10/2023 12:48

He's had 2 suicidal attempts in the past before he met me. I'm so anxious it's horrible. He knew because it's my day off work I was getting my nails done. So I figured he was just refusing to cheer my morning on and let me be happy..but now it's worrying me.

OP posts:
PerspiringElizabeth · 10/10/2023 12:50

He’s abusive and manipulative, leave him to it and spend your emotional energy on someone else.

TimeForTeaAndG · 10/10/2023 12:51

If you are genuinely worried, call 101 and ask them to do a welfare check.

If he's sulking then they'll talk to him and if he has done something to himself you don't need to be the one to deal with it.

Dozycuntlaters · 10/10/2023 12:51

but now it's worrying me

Which is exactly what he wants. He is giving you a clear message here that if your relationship continues you have to behave exactly as he wants, otherwise he will feel bad and it will be your fault. Honestly, don't buy into his bullshit, let him get on with it and cut all ties with him.

billy1966 · 10/10/2023 12:55

You are in an abusive relationship with a man who will drag you down.

Place a welfare call to the police and leave it with them.

Why are you choosing to be involved with someone who is only going to bring you down.

You desperately need to get some counselling to look at your need to self sabotage.

Where EXACTLY do you see this relationship going?

Why would this be all you think you deserve?

Why would you want to be involved with someone who has attempted to take their life twice before they met you and suffer with depression?

Why would you want to involve yourself in such a situation.

Where is your sense of self preservation?

You cannot fix him.

What you CAN do is NOT throw your life away trying to.

HouseOfRunners · 10/10/2023 12:57

Get out of this immediately, this surely can’t be what you want.

MereDintofPandiculation · 10/10/2023 13:02

If you're seriously worried, check his flat, or ask police to check if you can't get in. Then leave him to the medical/psychiatric services.

If he's not in his flat, then he's probably fine.

Do not change your intentions as a result of a suicide attempt.

MereDintofPandiculation · 10/10/2023 13:04

Incidentally, I've been in this situation, and had to call the police to check

Remember, if he's depressed while in a relationship with you, you're not the right person to be getting him out of it.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/10/2023 13:06

He is manipulate and wants you to worry.
He will no doubt have some sob story on hand designed to make it harder for you to finish the relationship because that's what he was expecting today.

You can end the relationship now over text or phone, what he does after that is not your problem or cause of it.

He won't kill himself, he will move on and try to find another woman to manipulate and suck the life out of.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 10/10/2023 13:07

YABU to have stayed with him so long, you can do better. Also depression is not an excuse for being an arsehole!

Nothingbuttheglory · 10/10/2023 13:07

Call the police to do a welfare check. Then disentangle yourself and move on. You do not owe anyone a relationship and I can't see what you get out of this.

Mavissdaviss · 10/10/2023 13:07

Oh love. Run, don’t walk from this one.

regarding today, a phone call to his family and/or the police to say that you’ve broken up and are worried he’s hurt himself is probably the best thing to do. If he’s trying to scare you, this will put him off doing it again. If he’s actually hurt himself then you’ve let them know and done your best to help.

Likelihood is that he’s just making you panic for as long as possible so you’ll just be relieved when he shows his face and keep going with the relationship.

Original poster
Hunnybee3E · 10/10/2023 13:07

I really hope he's ok but I'm so drained I don't want to deal with this worry anymore. It's horrible

OP posts:
Original poster
Hunnybee3E · 10/10/2023 13:08

He has no family left who speak to him or friends. I'm all he has.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/10/2023 13:10

Hunnybee3E · 10/10/2023 13:08

He has no family left who speak to him or friends. I'm all he has.

Doesn't that tell you something?
Perhaps the people from his past have had enough of his games.
Don't worry about him, he doesn't care about you op, he has knowingly tried to ruin your day off, who does that?

MereDintofPandiculation · 10/10/2023 13:10

Hunnybee3E · 10/10/2023 13:08

He has no family left who speak to him or friends. I'm all he has.

Well, he doesn't have you, because you need to get out of this. He's not your problem, and you're not doing him any good because he wouldn't be in this state if you were.

But before you go, ring the police.. Then you can live with yourself knowing you did the right thing.

EvilElsa · 10/10/2023 13:11

Hunnybee3E · 10/10/2023 13:08

He has no family left who speak to him or friends. I'm all he has.

Speaks volumes.
Walk away OP.

Lonesomefetter · 10/10/2023 13:11

The only sentence that stood out is "he gets quite abusive with his words" he is not your responsibility. I have been suicidal and you know what, it wasn't because of anyone else, it was me. Leave.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 10/10/2023 13:11

All of the above. Sounds like you are being manipulated and depression is no excise to be abusive towards someone you supposedly care about. Stop phoning and texting and leave him to it.

Steev · 10/10/2023 13:11

Dump him. He's manipulative and mean to want you spending your day off worrying. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 10/10/2023 13:12

Ps there is likely a very good reason why everyone else is out of his life. His lack of friends and family are his problem and of his doing - not your responsibility

TheCatterall · 10/10/2023 13:25

He’s manipulating you @Hunnybee3E

if he threatens suicide or you are worried about him I’d ring the police and ask for a welfare check.

if he’s ok - he knows full well what he’s doing . It’s a pick me dance and pity me party to draw you back in line.

he’ll be so sorry etc. you’ll look after him. And then it will all start again.

he’s not helping himself. He’s verbally abusive. You are his verbal punch bag because everyone else has established boundaries around this and walked away.

by staying you tell him this is ok.
By telling him you won’t put up with the behaviour and still staying you really tell him it’s ok..

it’s not ok. You can’t fix him. Walk away before he drags you down further.