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Original poster

Am I being to sensitive? In law advice

76 replies

Shannon9955 · 10/10/2023 11:01

So, we have moved in with my partners mum and stepdad. Our house was meant to be done nearly 3 months ago, but it's now pushed to January. So my partners parents kindly offered to us to move in with them as we have an 18 month old with essentially no where to live till January.

The step dad is the tightest person I know. He's also slightly a control freak. And when people say they love their in laws but will never live with them, I now understand that. Because I no longer love them nor want to live with them ever again.

We pay half the bills, half the shopping. Buy our own personal things. We aren't living here bill free. Which is fine and reasonable. Nothing is a free ride nor would I want that. As well as paying out solicitor fees, day to day life and saving to partly furnish our new house/floor the whole house.

The step dad however is constantly complaining about the bills being higher, water bill being higher. But we pay half, so I'm not sure of his issue since they now have 3 extra people here, more washes being done, showering ect. I could easily do a wash every other day. Which he always comments on "doing another wash, changing your bed again" I change the beds every Tuesday. Meaning mine and my child's. He is just so rude regarding my parenting, saying why do I do this. Comments on what she eats and when she eats it. I've kept my mouth shut because I like my partners mum and I feel sorry for her with him. But I can't hold my tongue any longer. He's just awful. He's called me a "c**t" after I told a joke. which I pulled up and said don't ever say that word in front of my child. He makes the atmosphere in the house just awful. I just want to go and live in my house that's basically brick currently just to escape it all.

My friend popped round yesterday and they made her feel so uncomfortable, didn't say hi to her. I made a cup of tea for us both, and there was the tiniest bit of water in the kettle and I tossed it out and all hell broke loose. He said what the hell are you doing washing water. Shouted the mum and said look at what they are f**king doing. No wonder the water bill is sky high. Never chuck water ever again. With my friend there I almost just stood in embarrassment and didn't know what to say over this splash of water. I work weekends and he's retired so he's home when I'm home, so I go out as much as I can to kill time before my partner is home from work. Honestly at my breaking point now.

I'm at a loss what to do with the whole situation to the point I'm questioning if I'm being sensitive to it all

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 10/10/2023 12:54

Do you have family of your own @Shannon9955 ? Would you be able to move in with them while your DH stays with his and you'll rejoin him at the weekend or whenever the house is built?

Could he travel to meet up with you if you found somewhere to stay while he's working away from the home?

I'd be trying to come up with every single way to move out of that environment as quickly as I could.

While your in-laws offered to put a roof over your head and they have, and I understand that you are more than paying your way towards any bills, you have stayed longer than all of you were expecting so when you said you were going to rent somewhere, you really should have carried on with that and rented somewhere until the house was ready for you to move into.

You need to have a serious conversation with your DH and then he needs to have a chat with his parents about what is going to happen next.

Original poster
Shannon9955 · 10/10/2023 13:00

LookItsMeAgain · 10/10/2023 12:54

Do you have family of your own @Shannon9955 ? Would you be able to move in with them while your DH stays with his and you'll rejoin him at the weekend or whenever the house is built?

Could he travel to meet up with you if you found somewhere to stay while he's working away from the home?

I'd be trying to come up with every single way to move out of that environment as quickly as I could.

While your in-laws offered to put a roof over your head and they have, and I understand that you are more than paying your way towards any bills, you have stayed longer than all of you were expecting so when you said you were going to rent somewhere, you really should have carried on with that and rented somewhere until the house was ready for you to move into.

You need to have a serious conversation with your DH and then he needs to have a chat with his parents about what is going to happen next.

My mum passed away 3 years ago now, my grandparents live in Dorset, as does my uncle and auntie. But it's a 2 and a bit travel for my job. I've considered living there and coming back for when I have work, but again that's tricky as my grandparents don't have room for me and my little girl. It's a really catch 22 till our home is ready

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 10/10/2023 13:28

I'm sorry for your loss.

I would move out during the week and only see DH at the weekend then. Your own family, no matter how pushed they are on space, are more likely to be more welcoming than your DH's family have been (at least your FiL).

Keep phoning the builder/developer asking for regular updates to the situation. Be that squeaky wheel!

thaisweetchill · 10/10/2023 13:33

I was in your situation last year living with my mom and her husband. Thankfully he wasn't as bad as your FIL, just very annoying.

It's very hard as you have no where else to go (we were in completely the same situation). I don't have any advice as he sounds absolutely vile.

Is your partner aware of the way he speaks to you? If not, maybe start recording it and showing him? If he doesn't say this to your partner then he needs to know the extend of how bad he is, he may even listen to him.

RandomMess · 10/10/2023 13:34

It's worth contacting Air B&B and if see if you can negotiate for a few weeks at a time at a lower rate just to have a break.

theminutehand · 10/10/2023 13:40

At the end of the day you may be paying bills but you are not paying rent so you are massively saving and having whole family live with you month in month out is hard on anyone. So you are literally telling them that they are stuck with you until your house is ready.....I can see where they are coming from, especially as the date has been pushed out so long. I am sure they are set in their ways and tired of sharing their home.

MorningHood · 10/10/2023 13:50

I would recommend contacting some of the Airbnb’s and seeing if they offer a reduced rate for a short term, but longer let of 3-4 months. You’re in a great bargaining position as Airbnb’s are much harder to fill over winter months.

We had to do this when we were having renovations a couple of years ago and we got a great deal off a local Airbnb. It was a bit of a squeeze, BUT I’d rather that, than my PIL any day of the week!

Sugargliderwombat · 10/10/2023 14:13

Do you have somewhere to go in the week ? Even it's a few hours travel?

Sugargliderwombat · 10/10/2023 14:13

Would you consider a mobile home over winter ? I had a friend who did this while her place was being renovated.

ginasevern · 10/10/2023 14:26

@Sugargliderwombat

I was just about to suggest the same thing. Years ago when DH and I renovated we lived in the garden in a caravan. This might not be possible for OP due to space or planning restrictions, but it's worth checking out local sites.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 10/10/2023 14:27

Hi OP,

I think your partners stepdad is making it clear he doesn’t want you all in his house.
Maybe he didn’t want you there in the first place, maybe he is annoyed with the extended time, maybe he finds the toddler too much, maybe it’s that all 3 extra people are ‘unrelated to him’.

You should definitely move out asap.

plumtreebroke · 10/10/2023 14:30

It's difficult living in someone else's house as adults. Can you try and grin and bear it? I assume you have your own bedroom, could you spend time reading or knitting or something in there? Even though you are paying towards the bills could you offer £1 a wash to show willing if he thinks you are using too much water/electric?

Are they relatively well off or living off a not huge pension, he may actually be worried about finances. The name calling is totally unacceptable and I hope he apologised when you called him out on it.

Good luck, not that long till January now, just think how fantastic it will be when you move into your new house. And buy them a nice present for having you, even through gritted teeth.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 10/10/2023 14:36

I really would find any option to move out asap rather than grinning and bearing it!

Probably you could have offered to pay rent or at least full bills. It’s probably too late for that now.

Your DH Stepdad is really out of line for swearing, though he had no obligation to house all 3 of you for a year.

Original poster
Shannon9955 · 10/10/2023 15:54

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 10/10/2023 14:36

I really would find any option to move out asap rather than grinning and bearing it!

Probably you could have offered to pay rent or at least full bills. It’s probably too late for that now.

Your DH Stepdad is really out of line for swearing, though he had no obligation to house all 3 of you for a year.

I'm not paying their full bills for them. Not a chance in hell

OP posts:
Wrenifly · 10/10/2023 16:16

I couldn’t stay there until Jan. I just couldn’t. Are there any travel lodges or premier inns around you? Could you do 2-3 days a week in one of those? Not cheap, but wouldn’t be a grand a month. Just having a break a few days a week might make it more bearable.

Personally I would be posting on ALL the local Facebook community pages for your area, explaining your situation and asking if anyone has an Air BNB/ holiday cottage they are willing to rent out until Jan.

I couldn’t live with this man anymore.

GabriellaMontez · 10/10/2023 16:24

As PP says. I'd look on local fb page for a short rental. I'd rather rent a room in a house (lodge) than be there.

Are things OK when your partner is there? If so I'd stay in my rented room all day and go back when he gets home.

The step dad sounds disgusting.

Littlegreene82 · 10/10/2023 16:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 10/10/2023 16:27

Hi OP,

Why not offer to pay full bills when you initially moved in? Presumably you aren’t paying rent, and they are doing you a favour by housing you.

(Rude behaviour separate issue).

Hunsmet · 10/10/2023 16:31

Another vote for a static caravan on the site of your new house. I have lived in many renovations (my children all claim they are only ever buying new-builds but I bet they don't). You can move in to your house as soon as you have water and electricity - nothing else has to be 'finished'. If you have water and electricity, you can make do with everything else. It has to be preferable to living with an arsehole.

Gnomegnomegnome · 10/10/2023 16:33

You can’t stay there. For your child’s sake if not yours.

Do you have a friend that you could stay with? A caravan park nearby?
Whats holding up the build? Can it be pushed along quicker with some extra cash?

Gnomegnomegnome · 10/10/2023 16:34

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 10/10/2023 16:27

Hi OP,

Why not offer to pay full bills when you initially moved in? Presumably you aren’t paying rent, and they are doing you a favour by housing you.

(Rude behaviour separate issue).

Do you think that the stepdad’s behaviour would change if op pays him to be kind?

rainbowstardrops · 10/10/2023 16:42

Step Father's attitude is absolutely vile but it is a lot to ask to expect a couple that are probably used to a quiet life, to have another two adults and a young child thrown into the mix. Staying until July was generous of them but over a whole year? That's a lot when you're not even paying a penny towards the rent.
Also, a toddler creates a lot of washing and therefore increased bills, compared to a couple who probably only did 2/3 washes a week.
You either suck it up (and be grateful that they're providing a roof over your head), or you need to pay out for an alternative.

The vile language is inexcusable though and I'd call him out on that most definitely!

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 10/10/2023 16:45

Why should they pay the full bills? Power, water, council tax, and insurance for a house big enough for 5 people adds up and means they may as well have rented a 1 bed and paid extra for their own space. If his mum knew the stepdad didn't want the family there to help save renovation money she shouldn't have offered.

Thanksforreading · 10/10/2023 16:51

He doesn’t sound nice at all, but he’s always sick of people in their house with a baby too. I asked my parents if I could move to theirs for six months and they said no! And this is my mum and my dad… in their defence my DP can afford for us to rent somewhere and they like their quiet and space and I have two kids, also they sleep late and wake up late and we are up at the crack of dawn!

Anyway you know he’s tight with money, you guys as a family are saving money staying there, I would literally sit the mil and step fil and offer them a few hundred as rent money a month so say sorry for living here for a bit longer and see how it goes for two months. It’s shocking how money can change someone’s outlook. If it’s still terrible just move if you can afford it. At least it would only be for a month or two then and not long term.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 10/10/2023 16:52

It might help with his stinginess and the fact he seems so concerned about water/electricity usage.

It won’t make him more polite but might help with his concerns.

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