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Original poster

Am I being to sensitive? In law advice

76 replies

Shannon9955 · 10/10/2023 11:01

So, we have moved in with my partners mum and stepdad. Our house was meant to be done nearly 3 months ago, but it's now pushed to January. So my partners parents kindly offered to us to move in with them as we have an 18 month old with essentially no where to live till January.

The step dad is the tightest person I know. He's also slightly a control freak. And when people say they love their in laws but will never live with them, I now understand that. Because I no longer love them nor want to live with them ever again.

We pay half the bills, half the shopping. Buy our own personal things. We aren't living here bill free. Which is fine and reasonable. Nothing is a free ride nor would I want that. As well as paying out solicitor fees, day to day life and saving to partly furnish our new house/floor the whole house.

The step dad however is constantly complaining about the bills being higher, water bill being higher. But we pay half, so I'm not sure of his issue since they now have 3 extra people here, more washes being done, showering ect. I could easily do a wash every other day. Which he always comments on "doing another wash, changing your bed again" I change the beds every Tuesday. Meaning mine and my child's. He is just so rude regarding my parenting, saying why do I do this. Comments on what she eats and when she eats it. I've kept my mouth shut because I like my partners mum and I feel sorry for her with him. But I can't hold my tongue any longer. He's just awful. He's called me a "c**t" after I told a joke. which I pulled up and said don't ever say that word in front of my child. He makes the atmosphere in the house just awful. I just want to go and live in my house that's basically brick currently just to escape it all.

My friend popped round yesterday and they made her feel so uncomfortable, didn't say hi to her. I made a cup of tea for us both, and there was the tiniest bit of water in the kettle and I tossed it out and all hell broke loose. He said what the hell are you doing washing water. Shouted the mum and said look at what they are f**king doing. No wonder the water bill is sky high. Never chuck water ever again. With my friend there I almost just stood in embarrassment and didn't know what to say over this splash of water. I work weekends and he's retired so he's home when I'm home, so I go out as much as I can to kill time before my partner is home from work. Honestly at my breaking point now.

I'm at a loss what to do with the whole situation to the point I'm questioning if I'm being sensitive to it all

OP posts:
SauceCat · 10/10/2023 11:48

How difficult! I think it's probably a combination of him being a complete arse and being fed up having you there for so long. I mean i think moving in with parents or in-laws is never going to be easy but there needs to be some goodwill. Something he's evidently lacking.
I don't think there's anything you can do to make him change and you've tried your hardest to do the right things.
If it were me I'd try very hard to find somewhere else as another 4 months sounds untenable.

goingtotown · 10/10/2023 11:51

If you're not moving out you'll have to put up with it.

334bu · 10/10/2023 11:52

Are there any rooms in your home that are remotely livable? If there are I would be camping out there .

Original poster
Shannon9955 · 10/10/2023 11:53

caerdydd12 · 10/10/2023 11:44

He sounds awful, and I agree that you need to move out. However I do think it's cheeky (and I might be the minority) to invite a friend over. You're paying half the bills yes, but you aren't paying rent but are having someone over occupying their kitchen/living room etc. You're a lodger really and have to remember that it's not your house. The water thing is batshit though..

I don't agree with the friend thing. I have never invited a friend over, my friend needed to drop something off and I invited her in. Do I keep her on the doorstep? I'd feel like a prisoner if I couldn't have any sanity. She was passing by, it wasn't a set up where I invited her for a cuppa and a chat

OP posts:
Original poster
Shannon9955 · 10/10/2023 11:54

334bu · 10/10/2023 11:52

Are there any rooms in your home that are remotely livable? If there are I would be camping out there .

Sadly no, it's literally a building site. All knocked out. Still waiting for electricians and plumbing, so it's not liveable at all

OP posts:
beetr00 · 10/10/2023 11:55

@Shannon9955 would you be willing to give "the hive" a rough idea of your area and maximum budget wrt a rental, we could search en masse, to relieve this awful stress 🌸

Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 11:56

Why not look for house sitting or pet sitting opportunities?

Silvers11 · 10/10/2023 11:56

If you can't move out then I guess you have no choice but to continue to cope with it. Are you sure you can't find somewhere cheaper than £1000 pm? You only need 1 bedroom as you only have one child - and surely would be preferable than staying with your In Laws and it would only be for a few more months? What part of the country are you in @Shannon9955 ?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 10/10/2023 11:57

You need to move out. Some things are more important than money and your peace of mind is one of them. Your dh step dad is horrible and I feel bad for your dmil, but to be honest I struggle to understand how she could let him speak to you like that in front of her dgc.

Original poster
Shannon9955 · 10/10/2023 11:57

beetr00 · 10/10/2023 11:55

@Shannon9955 would you be willing to give "the hive" a rough idea of your area and maximum budget wrt a rental, we could search en masse, to relieve this awful stress 🌸

I'm originally from Liverpool, so I'll try and say without saying with my knowledge😂 ...outside of cardiff?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shannon9955 · 10/10/2023 11:58

SchoolQuestionnaire · 10/10/2023 11:57

You need to move out. Some things are more important than money and your peace of mind is one of them. Your dh step dad is horrible and I feel bad for your dmil, but to be honest I struggle to understand how she could let him speak to you like that in front of her dgc.

That's also where I struggle that she allows it. Makes her worse than him I'm starting to realise

OP posts:
Isheabastard · 10/10/2023 11:59

I agree it’s an awful situation.

I have run a holiday let and we often gave significant discounts for longer stay guests. It’s more difficult to find guests October to March. (Xmas excluded).

You could try haggling, negotiating and suggest bringing your own bedding and doing the washing and cleaning yourself.

The other option is to offer to pay all the electric and water bill. I would assume this would still be cheaper than rent. Sometimes extreme generosity pays off in spades.

The step dad is an arse, but he could no longer complain if you are paying in full. Maybe in time you can have the satisfaction of telling him off for wasting water/electricity- but probably best not to I think.

My only comment is that older people can get fixated on things that didn’t bother them before. Though the general rule is the an old git was probably a young git before.

The final point is that your partner doesn’t get the final say.

FloweryName · 10/10/2023 12:02

Move out. It’s clear that the man doesn’t want you living in his home and he’s acting like a twat because of it. He is doing you a favour and you aren’t forced to be there.

To be fair to him, most people would struggle with two adults and a toddler moving into their home.

TheCatterall · 10/10/2023 12:02

I think it’s time to tell your partner you aren’t having it anymore and you and DC will be going to stay anywhere/with friends etc rather than stay under the IL roof. Good luck @Shannon9955

ForeveraBluebird · 10/10/2023 12:03

Have you looked at rentals abit further afield from Cardiff. Depending on your travel needs there are cheaper areas depending on which area you look. It sounds awful for you at the moment.

wildwestpioneer · 10/10/2023 12:04

Do you have room to put a static caravan, or even a large mobile caravan on the site of your new home to live in, you can always sell it in when you're in the house?

lilyblue5 · 10/10/2023 12:05

Oh my goodness - get out of there ASAP! We had to air bnb for three months of building work and it was ok.
Also pile the pressure on your builder and say you’ll have to get quotes from elsewhere if they don’t crack on.
we found moving back in really helped them to crack on with it - otherwise they were going off to other jobs and it would’ve just taken forever.
good luck OP.

Treelesschristmas · 10/10/2023 12:07

I think I would have left and never returned the moment he decided it was acceptable to call me a cunt in front of my small child. Horrible man.

Do they have a big drive? Could you get a cheap caravan and stay in it on their drive (or your own drive once there’s water and electrics) while the work is done? We lived in a clapped out old static caravan for around a year while my DD renovated the property they had bought. I’m sure it was hell for my DM, but it was great for us kids. At least then he wouldn’t be watching your every move and critiquing it.

GlitchStitch · 10/10/2023 12:12

Facebook market place always has loads of static caravans for sale for a few hundred that people are selling on after living in during renovations. I'd get looking ASAP.

caerdydd12 · 10/10/2023 12:14

Shannon9955 · 10/10/2023 11:53

I don't agree with the friend thing. I have never invited a friend over, my friend needed to drop something off and I invited her in. Do I keep her on the doorstep? I'd feel like a prisoner if I couldn't have any sanity. She was passing by, it wasn't a set up where I invited her for a cuppa and a chat

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No but the end result is she still stayed for a cuppa and a chat in someone else's kitchen. I'm not saying everything else he's doing isn't totally out of order because it is, but I still wouldn't be having friends round, invited or not, in a house I don't pay rent in. But that's just my opinion, we don't all have to think the same way.

CrotchetyQuaver · 10/10/2023 12:20

I'd get cracking on your house and get a functioning bathroom and a bedroom in it as a minimum and get the hell out of the in-laws houses ASAP and into yours

thequeenoftarts · 10/10/2023 12:21

Could you buy a mobile home and generator to power stuff and live on site until the work is done?

curtaintwitcher78 · 10/10/2023 12:24

I'm sorry you are suffering such nastiness and mingebaggery. Move into your house as soon as it is vaguely habitable, no matter how much mess and workies you have to put up with, and don't be swayed by old Rigsby there.

Ophy83 · 10/10/2023 12:25

Ask the builders to prioritise the kitchen, bathroom and the largest bedroom. As soon as those rooms are done move in.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/10/2023 12:45

Shannon9955 · 10/10/2023 11:34

I wanted to rent. I didn't care regardless but my partner wants to be able to save more. So he said stay, which we have. But it's at my expense because he works 5 days a week and is out the house for the 4 days of the week so he gets a bloody break from it all. But the step dad doesn't dare so much as blink the wrong way in the partners direction. I get all his backlash

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So you absolutely have to move out. Saving is not worth it for your mental health.

Surely your partner gets this? That it’s not the same. And the damage this will do to your child.

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