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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my husband to make an effort on my birthday

48 replies

Fedupat40something · 10/10/2023 10:32

Back Story; been together a decade and have 4 children. Husband loves birthdays (his) and all other special occasions and would be exceptionally upset not to get a gift. I generally do all of the planning and buying for DC and other family but he always reminds me when his families birthdays are coming up. In the past he has bought and celebrated his girlfriends birthdays - so he does know how to.

But he doesn’t do anything for me. This hurts.

I have told him how I feel but he always has an excuse (ran out of time/couldn’t think of anything). This is every occasion - not just my birthday. He forgets mother’s days and there isn’t ever anything for me at Christmas - not even from the little ones. Last year I really laid it out to him that it’s not ok and things have to change but yesterday was my birthday and he hadn’t planned anything and the kids were unaware it was mums birthday (they are all 7 and under). I just feel hurt.

I know some people don’t celebrate but he does. It’s the thought that counts and I feel very forgotten. I have been open with what I expect - so he doesn’t need to think that hard really. But surely it’s not normal to not get your wife/dc mum a birthday card when you would expect the same? It’s not a financial issue. Maybe I am unreasonable but I am super sad.

We have moved recently and live far from my friends so I can’t even just say “sod you all” and go out with them or make plans for a girls celebration.

OP posts:
404usernotfound · 10/10/2023 10:33

He seems to be taking you massively for granted. Is he considerate in any other way?

Janieforever · 10/10/2023 10:35

Why are you doing it back? Just stop. Of course do kids etc, but don’t do anything for him and don’t remind the kids, or do anything from them.

Amilliondollars · 10/10/2023 10:36

Tell him that you won’t be celebrating his birthday any more as he obviously doesn’t want to make an effort for yours. Don’t even get him a card.

MrsDanversChickenSandwich · 10/10/2023 10:38

Nah. He's making a conscious decision to snub you by ignoring your birthday. He doesn't sound like a particularly nice person.

Forget his birthday and absolutely forget about his family members' birthdays.

Heatwavenotify · 10/10/2023 10:38

@Janieforever This !!
You don’t need any other comments. Just stop! Maybe think about why you have done this for a decade and then buy yourself a birthday present with the money you would have spent on his.

pointythings · 10/10/2023 10:39

He has to learn the hard way then. On his next birthday, he gets nothing. And if he asks why, you give him the same shitty excuses he gives you. Yes, it's petty. Yes, he deserves it.

Amilliondollars · 10/10/2023 10:39

He obviously knew you were disappointed yesterday? Did you all just sit in the house all evening and ignore your birthday? What would he have done if you said, go out and get me a birthday card, a box of chocolates and a takeaway for us all to celebrate? I know you shouldn’t have to but he at least could have done that.

Namerequired · 10/10/2023 10:40

Stop doing anything for his, and also for his family. Do it for the children and buy yourself something, take yourself somewhere.

MrsDanversChickenSandwich · 10/10/2023 10:40

He forgets mother’s days and there isn’t ever anything for me at Christmas - not even from the little ones.

What a mean old tosser. He's signalling loud and clear that you don't really matter to him.

What's your relationship like day to day?

Shoxfordian · 10/10/2023 10:44

He’s thoughtless and inconsiderate

There’s really no excuse for it

Original poster
Fedupat40something · 10/10/2023 10:49

Thank you all. He knew that I was disappointed yesterday but he kind of just shrugged it off.

I fully intend to buy the boots I have been trying on (with him there!) for weeks.

He said “he didn’t realise I was so materialistic” and that all I cared about was getting a present - which isn’t true. If you ask the kids about birthdays they don’t think mummy has one!

On reflection he isn’t always considerate. If he does anything he feels the need to shout about it - not just quietly do it. Almost like its a chore he can tick off.

OP posts:
Heatwavenotify · 10/10/2023 10:54

So on his next birthday when you do nothing and he complains you say, “I didn’t realise you were so materialistic and all you cared about was getting a present”. Then off you go and get on with your day.

MostlyHappyMummy · 10/10/2023 10:56

Unsure why you continue to buy presents for him and his family members.
or why you buy for his family at all.
Your issue is really your boundaries.

Thanksforreading · 10/10/2023 10:59

Heatwavenotify · 10/10/2023 10:54

So on his next birthday when you do nothing and he complains you say, “I didn’t realise you were so materialistic and all you cared about was getting a present”. Then off you go and get on with your day.

This!! I would also just pop to boots you want on his card!!

BaffledOnceAgain · 10/10/2023 10:59

Fedupat40something · 10/10/2023 10:49

Thank you all. He knew that I was disappointed yesterday but he kind of just shrugged it off.

I fully intend to buy the boots I have been trying on (with him there!) for weeks.

He said “he didn’t realise I was so materialistic” and that all I cared about was getting a present - which isn’t true. If you ask the kids about birthdays they don’t think mummy has one!

On reflection he isn’t always considerate. If he does anything he feels the need to shout about it - not just quietly do it. Almost like its a chore he can tick off.

Like you say, some people don't celebrate birthdays, but he does and you would like to. I like birthdays too for others and myself. His actions are really hurtful and don't let yourself or him tell you otherwise. I would go as far as to tell him that it's the last time he doesn't get you a present on a day of celebration because it just shows he doesn't care. It's not about how much or little a gift is worth, but it's about making you feel valued and cared for. I genuinely wouldn't stay with someone like this because it's about a lot more than just ignoring your birthday.

(My 15 year old DS has grown up without a dad around after DH died when DS was 5. I've always encouraged him to buy or make me something on special occasions because I want him to know that it's what people do. I paid for them myself, but he used to love choosing something. Now, he spends his own money on it. Yesterday, his girlfriend was unwell and he walked to the shop and delivered her chocolate before he got the bus to school. I feel my job here is done! Your kids need to know that everyone needs caring for and are valued as much as your DH.)

I'm really cross on your behalf!!

gamerchick · 10/10/2023 11:03

So stop.

Tell him you're not doing adults special occasions anymore because he can't be arsed. He can take care of his own family.

If you carry on doing what you've always done, you'll always.get what you've always got.

Just stop. He doesn't give a fuck so take it all out of your headspace.

SeulementUneFois · 10/10/2023 11:06

Heatwavenotify · 10/10/2023 10:54

So on his next birthday when you do nothing and he complains you say, “I didn’t realise you were so materialistic and all you cared about was getting a present”. Then off you go and get on with your day.

This.
Do nothing for his or his family's birthdays, and parrot this back to him if he says anything.

BoohooWoohoo · 10/10/2023 11:06

Stop buying gifts for him and say his shitty words back to him. It would have been better if he'd made an effort but by giving him a taste of his own medicine might make him think. How galling for you that he isn't bothered or embarrassed. Hopefully not buying at all will make you feel a little less taken for granted.

I'm a single parent and my older ones would buy something for me from the younger ones (using my money but I didn't mind this bit) when they walked home from school. They are now teen/young adult and never forgotten. Your h is an inconsiderate twat to not even buy you a safe gift like some chocolates or flowers picked from the kids.

Original poster
Fedupat40something · 10/10/2023 11:16

MostlyHappyMummy · 10/10/2023 10:56

Unsure why you continue to buy presents for him and his family members.
or why you buy for his family at all.
Your issue is really your boundaries.

I completely agree with you. I think because I feel like rubbish when it’s my birthday, I guilt myself as wouldn’t want to be like he is (if you get what I mean).

I also want the DC to experience the giving of gifts so this sometimes influences.

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 10/10/2023 11:17

He is taking you for granted.
The only workable solution is to drop any celebrations for him. Stick to it. Just don't bother. Do nothing. If your own birthday falls before his next one then book yourself a massage, buy champagne and flowers and say, "I want to feel special on my birthday, would you like a glass". If he doesn't get it then on his birthday just breezily say, "Happy birthday! Have a great day, are you going to treat yourself".

Qwertyyui · 10/10/2023 11:23

So for mothers day/your birthday/Christmas take the kids shopping with you to buy what you want. Spend the time with them on your own and treat yourself. Go for some food with them and show them things you like in a shop then give them the money and they can choose which one to get you and surprise you with it on your birthday. You can cover your eyes as they pay at the till so they think you dont know what they got you.

Stop buying him anything and tell him he has the option to do what he wants for himself!

I'm sorry but if someone was doing this to me they would be an ex in a heart beat!

Looks like you need to create your own happiness and you are already a married single person if I am honest! Even as a single parent my ex used to ensure my DD got me gifts as I did for him!

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 10/10/2023 11:24

Stop being a doormat! Stop buying gifts for him! Stop sorting out his family's gifts!

historyrepeatz · 10/10/2023 11:27

Even a busy person can buy a little cake from the supermarket or petrol station and have the kids sing their mum happy birthday and blow out the candles.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/10/2023 11:36

I’d ask him point blank why he is deliberately ignoring any special occasions that celebrate you. If he tries to say you are being materialistic ask him why he expects a present for himself.
Yes you could just stop buying for him but you are parents. And part of your job as parents is to teach your DC how to treat their partners. And he is utterly failing at that. Point that out to him. Also point out that his DC will notice as they get older and they will think poorly of him.
He needs to lift his game.

caringcarer · 10/10/2023 12:17

Stop buying him birthday gifts from you or from DC. Let him find out how it feels to be forgotten on his birthday. If he makes a comment say oh you forgot or couldn't think of what to buy him. No special birthday dinner for him, no sex, nothing. Maybe next year he will get you something.