To want my husband to make an effort on my birthday

[Fedupat40something]

Back Story; been together a decade and have 4 children. Husband loves birthdays (his) and all other special occasions and would be exceptionally upset not to get a gift. I generally do all of the planning and buying for DC and other family but he always reminds me when his families birthdays are coming up. In the past he has bought and celebrated his girlfriends birthdays - so he does know how to.

But he doesn’t do anything for me. This hurts.

I have told him how I feel but he always has an excuse (ran out of time/couldn’t think of anything). This is every occasion - not just my birthday. He forgets mother’s days and there isn’t ever anything for me at Christmas - not even from the little ones. Last year I really laid it out to him that it’s not ok and things have to change but yesterday was my birthday and he hadn’t planned anything and the kids were unaware it was mums birthday (they are all 7 and under). I just feel hurt.

I know some people don’t celebrate but he does. It’s the thought that counts and I feel very forgotten. I have been open with what I expect - so he doesn’t need to think that hard really. But surely it’s not normal to not get your wife/dc mum a birthday card when you would expect the same? It’s not a financial issue. Maybe I am unreasonable but I am super sad.

We have moved recently and live far from my friends so I can’t even just say “sod you all” and go out with them or make plans for a girls celebration.

Zero effort
Selfish

Does he not see you as an equal ?

Stop buying anything for his side of the family

You need to make it 100% clear that you are unhappy

It doesn't take much effort to order a present online or stop at a supermarket, or order a takeaway

Angry on your behalf !

I was a bit put out by my partners effort this year for my birthday. He's usually thoughtful but I'd told him to cut the spending back, it wasn't about the money but the lack of effort. His is a month after mine. I made a similar effort for his (spent a bit more). He said I ruined his birthday 😂 I said I don't remember you going to a lot of effort for mine to be honest.

You need to do the same OP. Match his efforts - play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

When is his birthday?

I would tell him straight up "I don't intend to buy you anything at all for Christmas. You have REALLY hurt me with your lack of effort on my birthday this time and so, I want you to know that I won't be getting you anything at Christmas. I expect a present on Christmas Day and if you don't get me one, I'll be reconsidering our whole relationship."

Personally, I'm not at all bothered about Christmas and birthday presents, but if I'd mentioned to DH that I wanted something as a present and he didn't get me one, I'd be hitting the roof.

In the past he has bought and celebrated his girlfriends birthdays

Assuming he told you this, he wants you to know just what you mean to him. Especially when he claimed you to be materialistic when you said dared to show disappointment, which is exactly what he wanted you to feel. He's not just being thoughtless here.

You are there as a mother to his children, an audience for his performance and no doubt a wank vessel. Please don't do anything to celebrate his birthdays in future @Fedupat40something , as long as you will not pay for that later.

I would seriously consider my relationship with him

YABU but only to have kept buying presents and organising things not just for him but for his family when he clearly cba doing so for you.

If you act like a doormat don't be surprised when people step on you!

Christmas is coming!

And you should buy for the DC and your own family.

Take the money you've saved not buying the ungrateful cuntmuffin anything and take DCs shopping. Let them choose lovely gifts for you. Many gifts. Get the shop to gift wrap them all pretty.

Christmas morning enjoy opening your lovely things from your DC and let your DC enjoy opening their lovely things from you.

The man who bought nothing will have nothing.

YANBU. You know how the saying goes, 'If you really want to do something, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse.' He finds excuses, and these are lame af I must say. Ran out of time? How about starting beforehand. Couldn’t think of anything? How about you ask.
Just stop doing things for him altogether. Stop with the gifts, the cards, the nice dinners, everything. If he can't be bothered to think of something you would like or even make a Happy Birthday smartshow 3d video, he can't expect that for his Birthdays, period.

This is horrible. He’s deaf to you hurting about there being no fun, no recognition, no thoughtfulness and teaching your kids this is an ok way to be. How’re things otherwise?
I personally wouldn’t stoop to his level and carry on doing things for him. But I would involve him more in sorting things for his family.

I feel you and understand

What message does this send to the children?

Mummy doesn't matter.

Do not let this continue a minute longer. You are not materialistic, you want to be acknowledged and valued which is entirely reasonable. Why couldn't he get the children to make you a card with some paper and colouring pens? Why couldn't he cook you dinner or buy your favourite dessert?

I would seriously be reconsidering my relationship. You are worth more than this. Do not let him treat you this way or let your children think this behaviour is acceptable.

I’m so sorry, this is really difficult.

Putting you down with saying you’re being materialistic is really horrible, too. He’s basically telling you that he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.

I don’t know what the answer is, if he isn’t willing to listen to your feelings an apologise when he’s been crap, the issue is a bigger one than just a birthday. I’m gonna guess he’s by far the higher earner and just thinks he’s way more important than you and doesn’t feel he needs to think about your feelings.

Sorry to ask but what is actually good about him? What do you get out of this relationship?

He ignores days and events where he should be celebrating you. He doesn’t care that it upsets you. He doesn’t make any effort to do anything differently the next time. If this was me I would feel very hurt and unimportant.

What nice or kind things does he do for you? How does he show he appreciates you? How does he show his support for you and the things you do? How does he make you feel good about yourself? X

I don't generally agree with tit for tat but bloody gell, stop treating him when he doesn't treat you. He really needs to know how it feels

Christmas is coming up. Quietly buy yourself a present. Treat yourself to something you really want and wrap it up and place it under the tree. Get yourself some nice chocolate too and also put under the tree.

These will be for your children to hand you on Christmas day so they get to hand mummy a present.

Do not buy a single present for DH. NOT A SINGLE THING! Not from you and not from kids.

If he complains, tell him you didn't realise he was so materialistic.

So does this mean you will stop buying presents and making an effort for his birthday and his family’s birthdays? Please say yes!

He sounds like an arse. But you need to make sure your DC don’t follow his example. So tell them your birthday is coming up and ask them to make you a card. Or, if they are a bit older, take them to a shop and give them some money to treat you while you look away. (Or get your parents, siblings or friends to take them shopping for a present for you.)

I wouldn't bother telling him anything anymore. You've said enough already. Don't waste any more breath on this selfish, entitled git.

Get YOURSELF a lovely Christmas present (and buy for the kids, of course). Let him go without and sort his own family's out.

I think you're finding out a lot about what he thinks about you relative to himself.

Stop doing ANYTHING for his birthday or fathers day or Christmas. Just stop it.

Absolutely this! And stop buying for his family, it is now his job to do so @Fedupat40something I can't believe he also tries to gas light you with saying you are being materialistic, ran out of time, whatever!!!

I am a big believer in 'returning another's energy' 9 times out of 10 most don't like it and will adjust their behaviour.

It's why I stopped seeing my last boyfriend - it's not about materialism. I don't care about being given stuff, I care that someone was thinking about me and what I might like. Sometimes, material stuff can represent that, but it is mostly the thought. I'd asked him to organise drinks in the pub for my 40th and suggested who to invite - and because he had acknowledged that idea, I didn't do anything, with the result that nothing ended up happening because he couldn't be arsed. He wasn't bothered about celebrating his own birthday but he knew I wanted to do stuff for mine, so at least he didn't expect treatment he wasn't reciprocating in that way.

I realised what I wanted was never going to be that important to him and I deserved more consideration - at least being single, there wasn't anyone to disappoint me the next year.

(I sorted out my 50th by myself and went on holiday alone.)

The only way he will learn that his behaviour is not acceptable is when he experiences it himself. So all gift buying for him and his family STOPS NOW.