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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is ungrateful

35 replies

AbsolutelyFedupofthisShit · 09/10/2023 18:29

I always arrange to make family dinners when DH works from home. This means we can all sit together at the table; on these days I tend to make something nicer where it is better eaten fresh.

Today I asked DH do you want me to make this meal today, or another day. He tells me to make it today as we can all eat it together. I make this meal while taking care of the dcs, needless to say I am really looking forward to sitting down and eating it. Fast forward, the meal is ready, and I call everyone to table. DH is on a long scheduled in (not beknown to me) work call that isn't finishing anytime soon. Dc1 who is 6 proclaims he isn't coming in as he is "busy watching something." I told him to get himself in there and eat, which he did to be fair. Dc2 who is 4 refused outright to sit at the table, and camped out at the bottom of the stairs crying eyes out for "Daddy!" I try repeatedly to calm him down, and eventually get him at the table, he is sobbing and refusing to eat until "Daddy does!"
At this point my meal is cold, the homemade bread has been sitting and not warm, and as appetising anymore. DH comes down eventually after dc1 and I have finished, sits there starts eating and says nothing, ans stares into his phone! He doesn't console dc2, or make any attempt to get him to ask him to eat his dinner.
I get up and clear the dishes away and DH says "what are you doing?" I said "I'm cleaning up, does anybody want any more before I put it in the fridge?" DH says "I don't know." I then put it away and he says "what if I wanted some more?" Then dc1 shouts at me about dessert! I've had enough at this point.

Does anybody else feel underappreciated? I wish I'd just served beans on toast, DH's reaction or lack of one will be the same either way I'm sure. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with an overgrown teenager. Anyway rant over, have taken myself off to be alone, I don't think any of them have even noticed either.

OP posts:
Millybob · 09/10/2023 18:32

No way would I cook for any man who has his phone out at the table. Even if it is beans on toast.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/10/2023 18:34

I wouldn't cook again for him if he can't be polite or parent his upset child instead of staring into his phone at the dinner table.

Autumnleaves89 · 09/10/2023 18:34

You are being a bit of a martyr. If he’s working, he’s working. Being annoyed the home made bread cooked down is a bit silly.
why are you allowing your 6 year old to shout at you?!

DaughterNo2 · 09/10/2023 18:37

If he’s still working raking then feed you and the children. He can heat his upstairs later

TitusMoan · 09/10/2023 18:37

I swear to god most blokes are far, far more selfish than most women. What an arse.

Original poster
AbsolutelyFedupofthisShit · 09/10/2023 18:38

@DaughterNo2 yes I tried but couldn't get upset dc2 to the table.

OP posts:
Globules · 09/10/2023 18:39

I agree with @Autumnleaves89

Stop martyring yourself. If it's that important to you, confirm with DH the time dinner will be served.

Because his body is at home, it doesn't mean his mind is focused on dinner like yours is. He's working. Let him get on with it.

Original poster
AbsolutelyFedupofthisShit · 09/10/2023 18:39

'TitusMoan · Today 18:37
I swear to god most blokes are far, far more selfish than most women. What an arse.'

Exactly, I don't think it's teaching dc's the best way to act either. I wasn't wanting a perfect TV family dinner. I only wanted everyone to come and sit at the table, it was obviously too much to ask.

OP posts:
BittIeLastard · 09/10/2023 18:39

So he was working and you were annoyed at him? Then the kids caused chaos and you were annoyed at him? The phone yes I get that, but the rest is nonsense.

TerfTalking · 09/10/2023 18:41

I’ve Always cooked from scratch, if he isn’t ready when it’s ready plate it up and stick it in the microwave. I’ve literally done that with my entire family for decades. Work is not always compatible with family meals.

Docke · 09/10/2023 18:41

Do you work or is your husband the only one financially contributing to the family?

Original poster
AbsolutelyFedupofthisShit · 09/10/2023 18:42

@Globules I totally agree with you and another poster about letting dh get on with it. The issue was I couldn't get dc2 to the table, the whole thing was a disaster. I also despise electricals at the table.

OP posts:
Catza · 09/10/2023 18:43

He just clocked off work and you expect a song and dance from him because you made dinner? The fact that he is working from home doesn't mean that he can immediately switch from one thing to the other and your expectations clearly don't align with what he was able to offer tonight.
I would stop being a martyr and find something else to focus your energy on. Maybe take an evening class and let him sort the kids and dinner once in a while.
Homemade bread cooling off... really?

newamsterdam · 09/10/2023 18:44

I think I'd be more bothered about the childrens behavior. At 6 and 4 that is ridiculous.

He was on a work call, that comes before your bread.

cocksstrideintheevening · 09/10/2023 18:44

Fuck that shit.

Original poster
AbsolutelyFedupofthisShit · 09/10/2023 18:48

'He just clocked off work and you expect a song and dance from him because you made dinner?'

Erm, no. I expected him to acknowledge us and not stare at his phone the whole time.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 09/10/2023 18:48

Sounds like both if you need to communicate more about dinner times and also make sure joint eating is firmly established.

Having his phone out at the table is beyond rude.

Original poster
AbsolutelyFedupofthisShit · 09/10/2023 18:51

'He was on a work call, that comes before your bread.'

It was about abit more than that but okay. The work call was booked in, the youngest was expecting him at the table so got really upset. If dh had communicated any of this with me I wouldn't have made the meal he asked me to make, and saved it for another time.

OP posts:
Original poster
AbsolutelyFedupofthisShit · 09/10/2023 18:53

@GrumpyPanda you're absolutely right. I did communicate all of this, it was established. If dh made a mistake about the call going ahead that's fine, I was annoyed about his attitude. Maybe this is an accumulation of every other meal I make, just feeling abit underappreciated right now in general.

OP posts:
Confusedx4 · 09/10/2023 18:54

But he didn’t communicate anything about that work call? He chose the meal so they could all sit together and eat?

SisterMichaelsHabit · 09/10/2023 18:55

I think you need to work on whichever child it was who made a gigantic drama and teach them that's not acceptable. Instead of pandering to him you should have left him on the stairs and eaten your dinner. If his dinner was cold, so be it. That's natural consequences. I am willing to bet there were zero consequences to his behaviour as you hoped DH would hear him and come down and engage.

With your DH you need a serious talk about being engaged and focusing on the kids at dinner time, not on his phone, it's teaching them they matter less than a plastic box in his hand. I also think he should stop working and come down as soon as food is ready. It's not like he could do that in an office, if he missed his lunch slot in an office he would have to go without.

Original poster
AbsolutelyFedupofthisShit · 09/10/2023 18:55

'Maybe take an evening class and let him sort the kids and dinner once in a while.'
I would if I drove, but can't as I have a chronic condition. Dh doesn't cook, and gets overwhelmed making the dcs cereal so this wouldn't work.

OP posts:
SisterMichaelsHabit · 09/10/2023 18:56

And before anyone says "but he was on a WORK CALL" like that's sacrosanct, I take calls all the time at the end of the day and I say "sorry you've got four minutes then I'm finished for the day" or similar. 90% of work calls are utter slosh anyway.

Runnerinthenight · 09/10/2023 19:04

SisterMichaelsHabit · 09/10/2023 18:56

And before anyone says "but he was on a WORK CALL" like that's sacrosanct, I take calls all the time at the end of the day and I say "sorry you've got four minutes then I'm finished for the day" or similar. 90% of work calls are utter slosh anyway.

I would never do that, unless there was somewhere urgent I had to be.

The main problem I see is that your children won't come to the table and sit down there to eat when called. Also, your DH needs to leave his phone elsewhere and interact with the family he co-created.

Quite justifiably, you are feeling unappreciated because you are the one doing all the cooking. I hope your DH compensates for his lack of skills in that department by taking responsibility for something else.

I'd have eaten my own and left your DH to reheat his and DC2's.

You need to have a conversation.

Catza · 09/10/2023 19:06

AbsolutelyFedupofthisShit · 09/10/2023 18:55

'Maybe take an evening class and let him sort the kids and dinner once in a while.'
I would if I drove, but can't as I have a chronic condition. Dh doesn't cook, and gets overwhelmed making the dcs cereal so this wouldn't work.

So how did he feed himself before you met? I bet he can cook because virtually anyone is able to follow a recipe. The issue is that they all rely on you to do things for them. If something happened to you tomorrow, I bet your husband would very quickly learn how to make a meal for himself and the kids. Please don't make excuses for him. You are digging yourself a massive hole by doing that.
He gets overwhelmed by pouring cereal. So what? He is an adult. He can deal with it.