Why does she ALWAYS have to suggest an alternative?

[PalourGamer]

Fairly lighthearted as it’s not really a problem, but I’ve had a weekend of it…

If you tell my mother about a decision of any kind, even the most minor one, she insists on suggesting an alternative. It’s like she can’t handle not being involved in some way. Either that or she suggests how something that’s fine as it is could be improved.

Examples from being home this weekend:

Out for dinner. She asks what I’m going to order. I say “the risotto, I think?” Her reply is “Do you fancy the tagine?”

The next day, my dad has made a casserole. She says “Do you know what would have been really nice in this? Butternut squash.” (About the only veg he hadn’t put in it.)

It was my birthday few weeks ago and she asked what I spent my birthday money on. I said I hadn’t yet, but I really wanted some new towels and I’d seen the ones I liked in M&S. “Ooh, you know where does nice towels? Next?” I say I agree, but am set on the M&S ones. “And you know where else? George at Asda. Much better quality than you’d think”. I said “I’m sure they’re nice, but I’ve chosen them - anyway, there isn’t an Asda near me”. “Well why don’t we go while you’re here? You could look at them and then order them online…”

Whyyyyyyy?! Does anyone else’s parents do this?

It’s a control thing even though they think they’re being helpful. I try so hard not to do this to my own adult daughter but I’m sure I do.

My SIL does this with everything. I don’t understand it but she’s been doing it as long as I’ve known her (over 27 years). It’s tiresome.

Oh I have so much sympathy for you with this - you're not alone! And when I say 'oh actually...' you get accused of not being open to suggestion? Or 'well whats the point of sharing if you don't want a conversation about it' 😂

Worst thing is the advice seems to change each time so I can never get it right!

Oh my god I think I do this 🙉🙉🙉

I had an interesting experience this week where I had to do a report about shopping. I realised I didn't feel I had shopped properly unless I had compared at least two alternatives. Maybe DM is like that? A bit harsh when you've already served up the non-butternut dish, but in the spirit of continuous improvement maybe....

I do this. Have got too used to fixing everything.

My husband does this all the time, to the point where I think he only disagrees with my suggestions because I’m the one making them.

We recently got new shoe storage put in and I suggested getting some mats to protect the shelves. He said, ‘no we don’t need more plastic tat,’ and had clearly forgotten about this exchange the next day when he suggested getting some mats himself 🙄

It is very annoying but I have plenty of my own flaws so not going to pull it up every time.

What's really annoying when you say "I'm going to stick with my original decision" is they add "it's up to you" making you doubt yourself!

Here, have my phrase that I deploy when my mum does this.

"That's a great idea! But I'm not going to do it."

(If she asks why not or explains more, just either repeat the phrase or say it's because you don't want to.)

Saves hours of bother.

Mmm..

Some examples there it seems like you're asking a question/open to suggestions - the risotto one does to me anyway.

Some seems to be conversational, and some seems to be a bit controlly, but is she clear you've already made your decision, when you bring these things up or is it possible she thinks you're still thinking about things?

I do this sometimes and it definitely isn't that I am trying to control people, its that I'm a problem solver/solution finder. SO if people present me with what appears to be a question, or an unresolved issue, I'll try to come up with suggestions/solutions.

Present me with a statement however 'I am doing x'... then I won't, it isn't a question.

I have to remind myself constantly though that people do present these things as a question when they actually don't want a solution or alternative. I find that quite hard work, because I don't really understand why they do this, but I do understand 'it's a thing people do'.

I'm worried i might do this!

I would never critisize a purchase already made - but i have an almost photographic memory when it comes to shopping and when someone tells me they're thinking of buying something i do make suggestions!
Eek.

My friend does this so much, I've nicknamed her "YouShould" in my house. Because whatever I'm doing, she'll chime in with a "you should do xyz" suggestion.

I went on a holiday that was a kind of spiritual retreat for me - you should take lots of photos to show people.

I stayed near an event and dipped in and out around work - you should book the whole week off.

I told her that I was planning to go to my parents with my two month old baby this Christmas - you should stay at home and chill. I told her it was fine, I had a plan B for if we weren't up for it - you shouldn't plan so much.

And if those examples sound petty or mild - imagine that WHATEVER I say I'm doing. If you search the words "you should" in WhatsApp, you get dozens and dozens of hits. It's ridiculous.

Influence peddling. No matter what is suggested thy must influence the decision by suggesting alternative. At times it is conversational to discuss other options(the towels for example)but can easily feel like oh that decision isn’t good enough.

Is it her (excruciatingly frustrating) way of striking up conversation?

I do it.
Hate myself for it . But do it.
Try this . Just say thanks mum
My DD does this now, and I know to shut up.
Your doing right about agreeing, but go one step more.... well when I take you then you can have that, I will tell you how mine taste.
Towels, Asda ones sound nice mum do you want some as your Xmas gift.....

Sometimes it goes like this:
You need to decide which one you want.

I’ve decided I don’t want either of them.

Well, you’ll have to decide.

That would drive me bonkers. Not sure how you’d get her to stop doing that. Actually, do it to her constantly and maybe she’ll have a lightbulb moment.

Good advice too.

Yes, my mother does this. It's for control.

Please please please make an effort to stop it

I know someone who does this a lot - drives me nutty - talking about holidays - me: we've booked this campsite
them: why don't you book this other campsite instead
me: (inside) BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO

This is my older sister all over. It's so annoying. Literally nothing I suggest is good enough, I think it's a dominance thing. It's a shame because it makes me feel pissed off, I then respond in a passive aggressive way because I'm annoyed and I look like the dick!

It's her way of making conversation and show that shes intrested. I'd guess she isn't very socially aware.

Of course, loads will tell you that it's gaslighting and coercive control. The tell you to go no/low contact and Google grey rock.

It's annoying but harmless. Turn it into a drinking game? Take a shot for every time she says "You should"? 😆

My mum did it. It was her way of trying to control me by trying to make me doubt myself. It didn't work, just made me not tell her anything and along with lots of other issues meant I stopped seeing her. Silly bitch.

What's wrong with saying 'Because I don't want to' out loud? Why are you silencing that?

Also, a stock answer of 'I'll think about it' stops this habit in its tracks. Or, 'Yeah, maybe'. You've taken what they're saying on board, and aren't arguing, but you're not committing to anything, so there's little else they can say.