Why does she ALWAYS have to suggest an alternative?

[PalourGamer]

Fairly lighthearted as it’s not really a problem, but I’ve had a weekend of it…

If you tell my mother about a decision of any kind, even the most minor one, she insists on suggesting an alternative. It’s like she can’t handle not being involved in some way. Either that or she suggests how something that’s fine as it is could be improved.

Examples from being home this weekend:

Out for dinner. She asks what I’m going to order. I say “the risotto, I think?” Her reply is “Do you fancy the tagine?”

The next day, my dad has made a casserole. She says “Do you know what would have been really nice in this? Butternut squash.” (About the only veg he hadn’t put in it.)

It was my birthday few weeks ago and she asked what I spent my birthday money on. I said I hadn’t yet, but I really wanted some new towels and I’d seen the ones I liked in M&S. “Ooh, you know where does nice towels? Next?” I say I agree, but am set on the M&S ones. “And you know where else? George at Asda. Much better quality than you’d think”. I said “I’m sure they’re nice, but I’ve chosen them - anyway, there isn’t an Asda near me”. “Well why don’t we go while you’re here? You could look at them and then order them online…”

Whyyyyyyy?! Does anyone else’s parents do this?

It’s like she can’t handle not being involved in some way.

You may have answered your own question here.

Perhaps she thinks/hopes she's being a helpful mum?

My mum has a habit of shitting on things. I booked a hotel by the seaside for a weekend away with friends once in November. She couldn’t say have a nice time or anything like that, just went on about how cold and miserable the weather would be. I don’t think she even notices she does it. I always comment now and she back tracks. I think it comes from jealousy to be honest. Not that I have an incredible life, but she had a very traditional life of getting married and having kids young and gave up her job. My dad doesn’t really like to socialise so they don’t have many friends or go out much. She’s missed out on quite a lot so I kind of get it.

What's wrong with saying 'Because I don't want to' out loud? Why are you silencing that?

because he’s usually doing something painful to my back at the time 😆

you’re not wrong, I need to shut it down or play sports therapist bingo or not talk at all

Maybe it’s just your Mum thinking out loud . She might just be trying to be helpful.

My ds does this.

In his defence he's autistic and has a real mindset about how things should be done.

Still drives me nuts though 🤣

And I still try and tell him people don't always want an alternative. A "oooh sounds good" will suffice even if you think something else would be better.

MIL does a version of this.
Her version is the worst version of it I've ever come across.
Instead of just suggesting, she always starts every single sentence with "why don't you..." or "why haven't you..."

So towels would be: "Why don't you get your towels from George?" "Why haven't you been to Next to look at towels?" Then you have to tell her why you didn't do the exact thing she just said. She stares pointedly at you until you explain yourself. If you change the subject she brings it back. If you try and shut it down you get "I was only trying to help" and she gets nippy for weeks.

Arrrrgh I fucking hate it, it's like being forced to interact with a parrot that spent too much time around the Why Bird during its formative years. We are LC.

Sounds a lot like my mum!

It’s a mum thing. The towel convo is fine, she’s suggesting somewhere you might get better value and that’s considerate. The casserole comment is daft as it’s too late anyway but it may not be a criticism, just her thoughts.

My PIL are like that. One memorable instance was when we were staying with them and needed to get a driving licence application and we were going to a large town with a post office so were planning on going there.

My MIL insisted we stop into every tiny village on the way with a post office in case they had it. She would not accept that by the time we had stopped into all of those places they may not have the form, the big post office would be closed (back in the days when they closed at 1200 on a Saturday). She wasn't even coming with us.

We tell them nothing now (well I don't speak to them at all for other reasons) because if it isn't done their way they will literally hound us. One of them trying to dissuade us calmly over the phone while the other bellows in the background, sending us snippings from catalogues because we mentioned buying a new garden set. The last time they came to our house, they decided they didn't like something so went out and bought a replacement and were installing it when I got home from work. Was the last time they stayed.

My DP does this. We live separately so lost of what I do has no.impact on him anyway. If I say I'm going to do something a certain way he will ALWAYS say "or you could...." yes, I could but I'm choosing this way. He will also say, when commenting on my job (a profession he is not in) "obviously I'm speaking from.ignorance here but you should....". I mean why?? If you know you know nothing about X, why say anything other than generic hmmm noises.

Yes, my mother does this - to use your example, I might say I want the risotto and she’ll say “Are you sure? You can have the tagine if you want.”

Remember your mother has had the best part of 20 years trying to guide you and keep you from harm. Unless you’re over 26, she’s had more time looking after you as a child than dealing with you as an adult.

It's not dissimilar to "I wouldn't have done it like that" or "Why did you do it like that?"

Some people just don't seem to grasp the fact that we are capable of making our own decisions without their unwanted input.

I have to remind myself constantly though that people do present these things as a question when they actually don't want a solution or alternative. I find that quite hard work, because I don't really understand why they do this, but I do understand 'it's a thing people do'.

You've made me think harder about this little bit of social trivia, @WiddlinDiddlin!

The vaguely questioning reply is offered as a conversational opener, not a request for guidance.

So, if you said-asked "I think I might have the risotto?"
I'll come back with something like "It does sound great. It's made with truffles! Haven't had those since we were in Lombardy, do you remember? But what do you think about the tagine?"

Then you might choose to discuss the relative merits of risotto or tagine, or share a reminiscence about the truffle holiday, or say "I'm going for risotto. Will you have the tagine?"

If you actually wanted advice, you'd ask my opinion: "The risotto looks good, but I'm not sure. What do you think?" (Then we'd have much the same conversation anyway.)

I have NEVER thought about this in detail before, but I suppose it's good for me 😂

my older sister does this. If I am going out to meet friends for dinner she'll ask where and when I tell her will say "why go there, it is very expensive. You'd be better off going to X restaurant" grown women with their own money.

She also tries to script conversations for me. So if I say "oh I need to get onto the water board about that leak" she'll say "you should say ... and I will get an actual script of what to say"

My cousin was trying to contact me recently as she was going to be in my town and thought we could get together. She asked my sister if she had the right number for me. I was chatting to sister and said just give me her number and I'll contact her myself. "no, what you'll do now is just let her contract you, there is no need for you to be texting her". wtf? just send me her contact. I said nothing and got her number from another cousin.

It is completely a control thing. She has many good qualities too but there are times I come off the phone ready to bang my head on something. My kids find it very funny.

Yup my FIL does this, bangs on and on at us about every decision we make, telling us we should do something different - holiday destinations, house decor, decisions for the kids. Drives me nuts but now my DH also sees it we just roll our eyes.

@GarlicGrace Yep, logically, I understand its chatty, conversational... but thats something I have to conciously work on remembering vs my instinctive response to 'solve problem!!! find solution!!!'..

It probably doesn't help that i spend a large portion of each day being paid to solve problems and offer solutions and also winkle out of people what the actual issue is and so on... which is something I am pretty good at, but could do with being switched off at times!

I do this if I don't stop myself, I have various tendencies that contribute: I'm a creative, imaginative person who enjoys researching things, also a bit of a perfectionist so I rarely just go with the first solution to hand, I always tweak recipes or go to the second page on Google searches, look up you tube to find the best way to fix things etc. I suppose I've enjoyed improving things for myself and others over the years, it's affirming to feel your knowledge or skill has impressed someone or helped them and can be a way of connecting but I've realised that's me being a bit needy and also that often people just prefer not to overcomplicate things or feel obliged to be grateful to someone. My teens taught me this... eventually, but I still find it hard to wait too be asked.
I really don't feel it's purely a control thing with me, it feels more like a desire to be needed and useful and admired, I wish I wasn't like that.
I'm trying, hopefully by the time I've got DILs I'll be able to just nod and smile at other people's ideas.

It’s hard work. I find it really draining and it makes me snappy and exasperated very quickly. I think it is due to poor social/conversational skills, not being able to snap out of “mum mode” where she has to take everything on and sort it out whether or not she’s been asked, and an inability to listen rather than involve herself in what’s been said. I don’t think it’s conscious and I wouldn’t expect her to change at this stage. The worst thing is I worry I do the same thing as I have picked it up as a bad habit 😱

Well, don't keep it inside. It's perfectly reasonable to say "I don't want to". Try it, it's liberating.

@NotSorry ah I have read on now and see he is your sports therapist - maybe not then, as he will know many ways to twinge something!

God my mother does this. It's like she thinks her considered opinion on anything should be the deciding factor and if I say 'no thanks I'm fine with X' she gets funny.

She moves furniture around when she visits (she's not round the corner!) and gets really funny when I tell her I was happy with x where it was, so please put it back'.

It's like she can't bear to have her say/make her mark.

Drives me nuts!

At that point I'd be inclined to smile and say "yes, that's very true".

How could they argue that? 🌹

@CandyLeBonBon

She moves furniture around when she visits

Have you tried tripping on a moved piece of furniture and chucking her drink all over her? Just a thought.

I might try that!