To only invite certain family members to DDs party?

[Clairebread]

I have a family party dilemma and want to consult the minds of Mumsnet as my parents are on different sides of the coin!

Will try and keep it short.

DD is turning one in 2 months time. I am finalising the invite list for her birthday party and have an issue regarding leaving out certain family members and what to do.

*if you are someone who thinks parties for babies are pointless then this thread isn’t for you.

On my mums side of the family I have 3 aunts and 3 cousins. All cousins are from aunt 1.

Cousin 1 - I am not overly close to as they are 16 years older than me. They have 2 children, 11 and 7 - who are both amazing, well behaved children but I’ve met 2-3 times, as again, not that close.

Cousin 2 - she is also a fair amount older than I am so not close growing up, has 3 children, 9, 8 and 6 - all of which are fucking feral and were the reason I had a child free wedding 4 years ago. We held a ‘meet the baby’ get together for DD when she was 2 months old (as I haven’t seen my aunts or cousins for a couple of years (I moved away and just drifted) so wanted to extend an olive branch) and all of the children were still feral, we catered for the amount of people coming and they rushed the buffet, took 4 plates each, piled high of food they didn’t eat and rubbed cake into the carpet - that kind of feral.

Cousin 3 - I was very close to growing up as she is only 4 years older, she has 2 children, 7yo and 1 year old. We were recently invited to her youngest first birthday party (which I think is important) plus she has said she wants the babies to have a bond since they’re so close in age.

My issue is what to do regarding invites to DD’s party. Ideally I’d invite all my aunts, plus cousin 3. But I feel it’s a bit off inviting one cousin and not her siblings - even if I’m not that close to them (the cousins are all very close as siblings)

My mum thinks I should say it’s younger children only, but then it causes an issue for cousin 3 as she does have an older child who is fine, I’d be happy for them to attend and if I technically only invited one of her children she might not be able to make it.

Dad thinks I can’t invite 2/4 of a family (aunt 1 us cousin 3) and it’s all or nothing - which is the opinion I lean towards - but I really don’t want cousin 2 to attend with her feral children, if I hadn’t been invited to cousin 3’s daughters birthday I’d have invited none of them to avoid the issue entirely.

So

YABU - you have to invite all or nothing

YANBU - pick and choose

Invite whoever you want to invite to your home.

Such angst!

Just invite aunt and cousin 3. Cousin 3 has a 1yo (as well as her older child) so you can still use the "we are just inviting the little ones" excuse if need be?

Do your parents still work? Could you host it during school hours? Get around it that way

@Poppasocks yep both work as do all 60 other people invited.

Ooh I was going to say “I’m sure it’ll be fine” until I read that 60 other people are invited. I can see how this might cause a family drama. Many people will say “your house, your party” which essentially is true, but if your family are anything like mine, this will not be the end of it.

YANBU but if it were me, I would just suck it up and invite them all to save the headache. Just mentally prepare yourself for the cleanup afterwards!

Are all 60 people coming to your house? If you can, I would invite all cousins and kids but hold the party elsewhere. Maybe have a bouncy castle for the energetic kids

I initially voted yanbu but then saw 60 people are coming! That changes it , very awkward! I'd probably not invite any cousins and contact cousin 3 separately and arrange something just the 2 of you, as her baby is close in age.

@Ivebeentogeorgia its not at my house, can’t fit everyone in a 3 bed semi!

I’d invite them all just to keep the peace. It’s not at your house so they can’t trash it, and you’ve got 60 other people coming. It’d be obvious you don’t like them if you don’t invite them.

@Honeybee798 i thought that, but the meet the baby party wasn’t at our house and they still caused enough damage to lose some of our deposit (they needed a carpet clean and some patches of wall fixed as they carved into it with a fork!)

@DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz yeah we both have large families and I’ve surprised myself with my making mum friends abilities (genuinely shocked myself as I hate people ) so have a lot of people coming (60 is just the families, so with friends it might be more but I’m not sure if they’ll all come)

See I'm all for celebrating a baby's first birthday but not in such a big way as it should a really happy, low key time

So just invite the ones closest to you - grandparents and the relatives you see and matter to you.

Not the rest. It's not a christening

Not that many people will go will they? Not many people are interested in a 1 yo birthday party tbh.

You're approaching wedding numbers!

@Nanny0gg those are the people closest to me.

we had 130 at her christening

@00100001 they're the ones who have RSVPd currently. More are invited, I’ve left my mums side until I’ve sorted this dilemma out, so could be more than 60

60 people who actually care about your baby? Or a handful who care - others who can't think of a polite excuse to wriggle out - and the rest who'll go anywhere for a free drink?
Have a lovely little party for the ones who matter.

@Millybob i think you fall into the category of people who this thread isn’t for.

funnily enough many people have families who give a shit about them. I’m sorry this hasn’t been your experience.

This would be my worst nightmare. You won't even get to spend proper time with birthday child. Are you invited to all birthday parties ?
I would take little one out for the day and I have done this and no offending anyone and they got our full attention.

@paulaparticles we are out with DD for her actual birthday.

never invited to the other cousins children’s parties, but they were all before we had DD so I’m not sure it’s comparable if that makes sense.

No, I fall into the category of not worrying if I offend feral cousins.

Oh dear, that’s not on. Then maybe just be honest and say that you’re not hosting them at a party again after previous behaviour. You have my sympathy, I’ve got my DD first birthday in December too and the guest list is as long and stressful as my wedding guest list!

I’d pick and choose. If you choose to allow your children to be feral, you choose to not be invited to events and parties, regardless of where it is.

If it causes a bit of fall out, so be it.

I come from a very large family and if there were children like you described, the children would be pulled up on their behaviour as well as their parents for allowing it.

@phoenixrosehere yeah it’s a bit of a unsaid issue within mums side those fucking kids. They were the ones who made the biggest stink about our child free wedding too - but were the reason for it being needed

I'd not invite the feral family, if they ask why, state they caused you to lose your deposit and you don't want them there because of poor behaviour. Actions have consequences.

You can't not invite them without seeming unkind and possibly causing offence. I understand it's your do and your choice but with 60 people coming already you may as well include them to avoid any bad taste- it isn't really worth not inviting them.