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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS shouldn’t be paying for female friend when they go out?

58 replies

WestieRonald · 09/10/2023 14:26

DS always pays when he goes out with his female friend (they’re 17). She will sometimes chip in with say their meal deals but he always pays for things like the cinema, proper dinner etc. and even if this develops into a relationship, I don’t think it’s healthy for him to pay everything. AIBU?

OP posts:
sadaboutmycat · 09/10/2023 16:22

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 09/10/2023 14:34

Also, I'm sure posters would vote 100% YANBU if it was your DD and her male friend.

Well you might have but I wouldn't. And I wouldn't have done 45 years ago when I was that age!

sadaboutmycat · 09/10/2023 16:25

@SpicedAppleAndFreshCider aaaand now I've read your post again and am confused!!
But if you meant that he shouldn't be paying, I'm with you! 😊😊

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 09/10/2023 16:25

sadaboutmycat · 09/10/2023 16:22

Well you might have but I wouldn't. And I wouldn't have done 45 years ago when I was that age!

Show quote history

I would have voted YANBU either way.

It's wrong for one part of a friendship paying for everything. I don't like anyone being taken advantage of.

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 09/10/2023 16:26

sadaboutmycat · 09/10/2023 16:25

@SpicedAppleAndFreshCider aaaand now I've read your post again and am confused!!
But if you meant that he shouldn't be paying, I'm with you! 😊😊

I don't think he should pay either - so we agree 😁

ohdamnitjanet · 09/10/2023 16:29

Definitely not, they’re teenagers and should go Dutch whether it’s a date or a platonic outing. It pisses me off no end when young women expect my 23 yr old son to pay for everything - pisses him off too, he wouldn’t carry on dating someone who does this. Who do they think they are? You should pay for yourself when there isn’t much money!

Bollindger · 09/10/2023 16:31

If he told you about always paying, he knows it is wrong, but likes going out with her.
I think you should tell him that at some point he needs to face up to sharing is caring.
While you know she is his friend he should think about why she never pays.

Clairebread · 09/10/2023 16:32

he wants her to like him as more than a friend. It’s a tale as old as time

leave it be

truthhurts23 · 09/10/2023 16:38

He’s trying to get out the friend zone, tell him that girls don’t respect men that try to buy their affection, they just use them

FrippEnos · 09/10/2023 16:45

I would be concerned that he is in that "friend but not boyfriend" area where he pays for everything and she doesn't want him as a boyfriend but doesn't want anyone else to have him as a boyfriend either so is stringing him along.

ToadOnTheHill · 09/10/2023 16:45

They are friends so it shouldn't even be a question.

But if frame it like you sometimes like to buy his dad things to make him feel special and he does the same but that on he whole you basically treat eachother and pay for the same amount of things in your relationship

Than leave him to it.

DeeCeeCherry · 09/10/2023 16:47

Well presumably he wants to pay.

MN harps on ahout women paying their own way blah blah. But in real life, l I barely hear anyone going on about this. At all. He's given you his answer OP and although you may not like it, its his choice. It doesnt have to be your choice. It doesnt sound as if shes requiring megabucks to be spent on her anyway, not from what youve said.You've told him what you think so now it's best to leave it be. He's his own person.

donquixotedelamancha · 09/10/2023 16:49

Hbh17 · 09/10/2023 14:29

I'm not sure how you would know who pays, but he's 17 so ultimately it's his choice. I think you just leave him to manage his money himself.

How could anyone possibly be unable to work out how OP got this information?

@WestieRonald Presuming he's doing this because he is interested in her, I would be trying to get through to him that women don't date men they don't respect. The more he lets her milk him the less chance he has.

NnarcissaMalfoy · 09/10/2023 16:54

I think the fact that he's mentioned it to you means it's bothering him on some level, even though he says he's fine with it. He's invited your input by bringing it up, so I think it's fine to tell him your opinion (ie she's taking advantage)

SummerDawn2000 · 09/10/2023 16:56

Not how the world works. Sadly she’ll find out pretty soon.

you have raised a lovely young man though with a kind heart.

ErinAndTonic · 09/10/2023 16:57

curaçao · 09/10/2023 15:07

well i think its pretty obvious he is trying to get into her knicjkers ( if not already), so maybe he considers it a good investment.

Haha this

Jumperseason · 09/10/2023 17:07

He's trying to make her his girlfriend! My DH (when we were just friends and teenagers) always paid, he insisted. I thought he was kind natured and generous so made him my DH 😅 so this tactic does work for some women!

Disturbia81 · 09/10/2023 17:29

curaçao · 09/10/2023 15:07

well i think its pretty obvious he is trying to get into her knicjkers ( if not already), so maybe he considers it a good investment.

Gross.
And yeah imagine if it was a woman paying for a man all the time.

MatildaTheCat · 09/10/2023 17:33

Ask him if he pays for male friends? If he doesn’t then this could be considered quite sexist. Fine occasionally but all the time? No.

Clairebread · 09/10/2023 17:53

@MatildaTheCat im assuming he doesn’t want to put his bits in his male friends

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 09/10/2023 18:47

MatildaTheCat · 09/10/2023 17:33

Ask him if he pays for male friends? If he doesn’t then this could be considered quite sexist. Fine occasionally but all the time? No.

Are you calling him sexist? Poor lad.

Sayitaintso33 · 09/10/2023 19:32

WE are so busy educating our daughter about abusive men and boys we forgot to educate our sons about abusive women and girls.

We are so busy protecting our daughters from the patriarchy that we forgot to protect our sons from the patriarchy.

Disturbia81 · 10/10/2023 10:34

Clairebread · 09/10/2023 17:53

@MatildaTheCat im assuming he doesn’t want to put his bits in his male friends

Yuck so transactional.

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 10/10/2023 10:36

Disturbia81 · 10/10/2023 10:34

Yuck so transactional.

Show quote history

It's not OK to be crude about a teenager just because they are male.

NoraLuka · 10/10/2023 10:40

I only have DDs but wouldn’t be happy with this, whether they were doing the paying or being paid for.

Ask him if it would be ok the other way around and if not, why? Would it be ok if he had a much richer friend who paid for everything all the time?

Disturbia81 · 10/10/2023 10:56

@SpicedAppleAndFreshCider Eh? It's not because they are male. It's both parties! The man for buying her and the woman for expecting to be bought. I never referenced him only.

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