Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Was I out of line with what I said?

45 replies

CLD92 · 09/10/2023 12:35

First post here and apologies if it's long but I don't want to drip feed!

I am perfectly willing to accept I was out of order her but at the moment I'm sure I wasn't...

DP and I have been having some issues recently and I have been sleeping in the spare room. It is well known in my household that I don't like feeling people breathe on me (when we do sleep in the same bed I sleep facing the other way etc etc), I can just about cope with feeling my DC breathe on me if they're that close.

This morning, DP came in to talk to me whilst I was still in bed. He was talking away about 10cm from my face. My words were " Can you please back off, your breathe is making me feel uncomfortable". I don't think that was out of order but apparently it was. I was rude, uncaring, I've upset him and I should be apologising. In my eyes I was just asking him to move away slightly.

Sorry this seems so trivial but it's caused WW3 in my house!

So please tell me, was I in the wrong?

YABU - that was rude, he's right, and you need to apologise

YANBU - you weren't rude, you were just asking him to move away wholst he spoke

OP posts:
RingALingADingDong · 09/10/2023 12:37

I think you sounded rude, you could have worded it better

ThinWomansBrain · 09/10/2023 12:38

why does he feel it was OK to get up so close and invade your personal space?

I wouldn't be calling it "the spare room" - if you don't like sharing a bed and you have the rooms available, make it your room.

ohdamnitjanet · 09/10/2023 12:38

You were perfect polite, he knows you don’t like it and he behaved like a twat.

TreeHuggerMum1 · 09/10/2023 12:38

Could it be that he thinks you’ve said he had bad breathe? Those words could be taken that way too…

WetBandits · 09/10/2023 12:39

Sounds like you’ve got the ick.

Coyoacan · 09/10/2023 12:51

What an unusual problem, OP. Is there no therapy you can take for it because it sounds quite antisocial?

Poppyblush · 09/10/2023 12:52

Why was he 10cm away - feels deliberate

AprilMayBeJune · 09/10/2023 12:55

I’m exactly the same op. DH & teens will, to wind me up, come really close and make a big show and like pantomime breathe over me and laugh away.
It actually makes me hyperventilate having people so close they steal my oxygen because I’m just so claustrophobic. However, I usually just say ‘you’re too close’ or ‘back up a bit’.

VisionsOfSplendour · 09/10/2023 12:56

Impossible to say without hearing your time but back off to me does sound a bit rude/agressive

anareen · 09/10/2023 12:57

Your wording was a bit rude. I would apologize for the wording of anything.

Divebar2021 · 09/10/2023 12:58

Hold on. You can’t say the OP was perfectly polite because we don’t know what the tone was. The tone changes everything.

Pinkyhairclip · 09/10/2023 12:59

You've just broadcast to him, loud and clear that you've got the ick. Problem is, you can't take it back now. It could be a watershed moment for him.

Your reaction is your reaction, you can't help it. But equally his reaction is his reaction, and you can't tell him how to feel.

towriteyoumustlive · 09/10/2023 12:59

Saying "Can you please back off, your breathe is making me feel uncomfortable" is rude. It's what you would say if you were feeling threatened or a hostile situation! Your DH was clearly trying to be nice.

I used the expression "back off" to break up fights at school and to verbally get a pupil to move away!

YABU and owe him an apology as your wording was unnecessarily aggressive and not appropriate.

Dogfureverywhere · 09/10/2023 13:00

Would depend on your tone of voice, but why did he need to get so close to your face to tell you something when he knows you don't like it?
The scenario is really a symptom of the bigger picture of what else is going on in your relationship!

Tessisme · 09/10/2023 13:00

I think 'back off', even with the word 'please' tacked on, might come across as a bit hostile. But you were well within your rights to ask him to move away a bit, especially when he knows it's a particular issue you have. Can I just ask if you have OCD? DS2 has OCD and one of the things that causes him huge anxiety is people's breath too close to him.

OrlandointheWilderness · 09/10/2023 13:01

If my DP said that to me I'd be so upset. It implies a level of dislike and disdain.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 09/10/2023 13:08

I don't think YWBU from what you've written here. As you say, he knows about the issue and was, at best, inconsiderate. Being a bit short with him does not sound like an over-reaction.

My DH hates me touching his ears and I hate him touching my knees (yup, united in for better or weirder) and if either of us does it accidentally, we apologise - no question!

BittIeLastard · 09/10/2023 13:09

Saying "do us a favour step back a bit you know what I'm like over feeling people's breath" would have been a much better way. Yes you were rude.

LemonLight · 09/10/2023 13:11

I would be upset if DH spoke to me like that tbh.

Original poster
CLD92 · 09/10/2023 13:11

If I actually took the time to go to the GP I would imagine I probably have OCD or ADHD but I have never liked it, I just don't like feeling people's breath on me, and unless they are really close, it's never normally a problem. My children are about the only people I have ever been able to cope with breathing on me!

Thank you, I take on bored everything you've all said. I feel like I said it in a normal, nice tone, but perhaps not. It's not unusual for me to say, "can you please stop breathing on me" etc, but perhaps not the back off part.

Thank you all, I needed the grounding in this situation!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 09/10/2023 13:14

I'm guessing he felt rejected as he was trying to talk to you. I struggle with this and usually excuse myself to the toilet and come back and reposition myself

Sconehenge · 09/10/2023 13:15

You’ve obviously hurt his feelings so it doesn’t really matter is mumsnet says you seem polite, it’s up to you as a person in a relationship to listen and understand where the person is coming from and attempt to repair it. Maybe you hit a nerve and as someone in a loving mature relationship you should leave space for him to articulate what the nerve was and then hopefully you can make up. Maybe your comment made him feel really rejected so you can explain that you still think he’s wonderful it’s just the breath, maybe you came across a lot more snappy than you realised so you can acknowledge this and say you’ll try to word it more gently in the future.

Seaweed42 · 09/10/2023 13:15

What was it was saying?

I guess it's the tone and the choice of words.
Could you not move your head away a bit?

It's hard to know not knowing the context.

Maybe he was trying to be quiet?
Maybe he had something important to say.

If he came up and said:

'I'll need the car from 6pm tonight for a meeting is that okay' or did he say

'I had those Lidl Crunchy Nut this morning they were actually not bad'

Original poster
CLD92 · 09/10/2023 13:19

TBH, I got so put off by feeling him breathing on me that I can't even remember what he said. I'm pretty sure it was just general chit chat but I can't be certain.

OP posts:
1month · 09/10/2023 13:19

What you said wasn’t rude, it was the way you said it that was rude.

Apologise for coming across as rude and say it wasn’t your intention but remind him that he knows you don’t like people breathing on you, which he knows.

Isn’t thing just a red herring for the actual problems in the marriage though?